God, she was trying to reassure him! He choked, rubbing her hand against his temple. He’d have given his own life to have spared her this, and he was the cause of it.
“I love you,” he muttered hoarsely.
“I know,” she whispered, and went to sleep. Sabin hung over her bed for several more minutes, memorizing every line of her face for the last time. Then he straightened, and his face settled into its usual hard, blank mask. Walking briskly from the room and down the hall to where Grant and Jane waited, he said tersely, “Let’s go.”
RACHEL WALKED THE beach as she did every afternoon, her eyes on the sand as she automatically looked for shells. Joe roamed in front of her, periodically coming back as if to check on her, then going off on his own pursuits again. For weeks after she’d collected him from Honey, Joe had been almost paranoid about letting her out of his sight, but that stage had long passed. For Joe, it was as if the events of the summer had never happened.
It was early in December, and she wore a light jacket to protect her from the cool wind. The fall quarter at the college in Gainesville was finished except for the final exams, but she had enough to keep her busy. She’d worked like a Trojan in the months since July, finishing her manuscript well ahead of schedule and immediately diving into another one. There had been the class to teach, and the increasing number of tourists after the slow days of broiling summer heat had kept the two souvenir shops doing a booming business, which meant she had to drive down at least twice a week, sometimes three times.
The scar on her right side was the only reminder of what had happened in July. That, and her memories. The house had been repaired, new Sheetrock hung and painted because the damage had been too great to simply plaster over. The windows had new frames, and she had a new light fixture in the living room, as well as new furniture and new carpeting, because she’d given up hope of ever getting the glass out of the old. The house looked normal, not as if anything had ever happened that had taken weeks to repair.
Her recovery had been uneventful, and relatively short. Within a month she had been going about her normal activities, trying to salvage some of the vegetables in the garden, which had become overgrown from neglect. Still, the pain from her wound had given her some idea of what Kell had gone through exercising his leg and shoulder to regain his mobility, and it staggered her.
She hadn’t heard from him, not a word. Jane had stayed with her until she was released from the hospital, and had relayed the information that things had gone well in Washington. Rachel didn’t know if Jane knew more but wasn’t saying, or if that was all she’d been told. Probably the latter. Then Jane had left, too, to collect the twins and rejoin Grant at the farm. By now she would be round with pregnancy. For a time Rachel had thought she might be pregnant, too, from that last time Kell had taken her, but it had turned out to be a false alarm. Her system had simply gone awry from shock.
She didn’t even have that. She had nothing but her memories, and they never left her alone.
She had survived, but it was only that: survival. She had gotten through each day without finding any joy in it, though she hadn’t expected joy. At best, she would eventually find peace. Maybe.
It was as if part of her had been torn away. Losing B.B. had been terrible, but this was worse. She had been young then, and perhaps she hadn’t been as capable of loving as deeply as she was now. Grief had matured her, had given her the depth of feeling with which she loved Kell. There wasn’t a minute of the day that she didn’t miss him, that she didn’t live with pain because he wasn’t there. She couldn’t even find out about him from Jane; no information was available on Kell Sabin, ever. He had returned to his gray world of shadows and been swallowed up by them, as if he’d never been. Something could happen to him and she would never know.
That was the worst, the not knowing. He was there, but unreachable.
Sometimes she wondered if she’d dreamed it, that he’d come to her in the hospital and bent over her with his heart in his eyes as she’d never seen him before and whispered that he loved her. When she had awoken again she had expected to see him, because how could a man look like that and then walk away? But he had done exactly that. He’d been gone.
Sometimes she almost hated him. Oh, she knew all his reasons, but when she thought about it, they just didn’t seem good enough. What gave him the right to make decisions for her? He was so damn arrogant, so certain that he knew best, that she could have shaken him until his teeth rattled.
The fact was that she had recovered from her wound, but she wasn’t recovering from losing Kell. It ate at her day and night, taking away her joy in living and extinguishing the light in her eyes.
She wasn’t pining away—she was too proud to let herself do that—but she was merely existing in limbo, without plans or anticipation. Walking the beach, staring out at the incoming waves, Rachel faced the fact that she had to do something. She had two options: she could try to reach Kell, or she could do nothing. To simply give up, to do nothing, went against her grain. He had had time to change his mind and come back, if he’d been going to, so she had to accept that he wasn’t going to do it…not without incentive. If he wouldn’t come to her, she’d go to him.
Just making that decision made her feel better than she had in months, more alive. She called to Joe, then turned and walked briskly up the beach toward her house.
She had no idea how to reach him, but she had to start somewhere, so she called telephone information to get the number of the agency in Virginia. That was easy enough, though she doubted it would be that simple to get put through to Kell. She called, but the operator who answered the phone denied that anyone by that name worked there. There was no listing for him. Rachel insisted on leaving a message, anyway. If he just knew she had called, perhaps he’d call back. Maybe curiosity wouldn’t let him ignore the message.
But days went by and he didn’t call, so Rachel tried again and received the same answer. There was no record of a Kell Sabin. She began contacting all the people she had done business with years ago when she was a reporter, asking for advice on how to get through to someone protected by the secrecy of the intelligence network. She sent messages to him through five different people, but had no way of knowing if any of them actually reached him. She continued to call, hoping that eventually the operator would get so frustrated that she’d hand the message on to someone.
For a month she tried. Christmas came and went, as well as the New Year celebrations, but the focus of her life was on somehow contacting Kell. It took a month for her to admit that either there was no way of getting a message to him, or he’d gotten them and still hadn’t called.
To give up again, after trying so hard, hurt almost more than she could bear. For a while she’d had hope; now she had nothing.
She hadn’t let herself cry much; it had seemed pointless, and she had really tried to pick herself up and keep going. But that night Rachel cried as she hadn’t cried in months, lying alone in the bed she’d shared with him, aching with loneliness. She had offered him everything she had and was, and he’d walked away. The long night hours crawled by, and she lay there with her eyes wide and burning, staring at the darkness.
When the phone rang the next morning she still hadn’t slept, and her voice was dull when she answered.
“Rachel?” Jane asked hesitantly. “Is that you?”
With an effort Rachel roused herself. “Yes. Hello, Jane, how are you?”
“Round,” Jane said, summing it up in one word. “Do you feel like coming up for a visit? I warn you, I have ulterior motives. You can chase the boys while I sit with my feet up.”
Rachel didn’t know how she could bear to see Jane and Grant so happy together, surrounded by their children, but it would have been small of her to refuse. “Yes, of course,” she forced herself to reply.
Jane was silent, and too late Rachel remembered that nothing got by Jane. And being Jane, she went right to the heart of the matter. “It’s Kell, isn’t it?”
Rachel’s hand tightened on the receiver, and she closed her eyes at the pain of just
hearing his name spoken. So many people had denied his existence that it stunned her for Jane to bring up the subject. She tried to speak, but her voice broke; then suddenly she was weeping again. “I’ve tried to call him,” she said brokenly. “I can’t get through. No one will even admit that they know him. Even if they’re giving him my messages, he hasn’t called.”