“Probably not, but you can try.” She smiles, but then nods.
“James reminds me of Jackson. He’s attractive, smart, nice, and treats me well. I’ve always wondered if I hadn’t gotten pregnant with Payton, and we were able to progress our relationship in a normal way, would we have fallen in love? Our relationship was stymied by the rushed marriage, a bit of resentment, a new baby, and the first few years of financial stress before Jackson started making money. Jackson’s such a wonderful man. What’s wrong with me that I couldn’t fall in love with someone like him? Was it the circumstances or am I not attracted to that type of man? Am I making sense?”
She’s quiet for a moment, deep in thought. “So, you’re saying that you think James is your Jackson do over? This time you can let things progress as you wished they could have with Jackson? Maybe fall in love with the good guy this time around?”
I nod. She gets it.
“Are you attracted to James?”
I let out a deep breath. “He’s a gorgeous, sweet surgeon. How can I not be?”
“But you’re just not hot for him? Or at least not as hot as you are for Africa guy?”
I swallow hard. “I want to be. And I’m just wondering if in time I could be. If I let this relationship progress, maybe that could happen for us. I don’t want to end it and never find out. I fear ending it with someone that makes sense for me long term for a loose cannon who will probably disappear again in a few weeks. I don’t want this to be hard. I want it to be easy. James is the easier choice.”
She lets out a laugh. “No one said love’s easy, Melissa.” She thinks for a moment. “I’m not going to tell you what to do, but I do believe that you can’t control physical attraction. It doesn’t slow play. Either it’s there or it’s not. While you may be somewhat physically attracted to James, it doesn’t sound remotely as deep as your attraction to Africa guy.”
I slowly nod and sigh, tears stinging my eyes. “I think I need to talk to Jackson. I want to understand things from his perspective. He said something to me a few weeks ago that I want to sort through. Do you know if they’re home tonight?”
“Yes, Darian mentioned staying in and watching a movie, but be warned, in four years they’ve never once actually made it through a movie.” She smiles.
I tilt my head back and take another deep breath. “In twenty-five years, we never didn’t make it through a movie.”
She gives me a compassionate smile. “Do you mind if I ask you something?”
“Go for it.”
“Were you faithful to Jackson?”
I pinch my eyebrows together at the unexpected question. “Why do you ask?”
She shrugs. “You two seem pretty ill-suited. That was a long time to be married to someone you knew you weren’t into.”
I think for a moment how to phrase this. “Cassandra, I don’t want to go into too many details because he’s married to your best friend, but Jackson and I didn’t have a bad marriage. There are a lot worse marriages than ours. There was something missing, but it wasn’t loveless or sexless. We did have some physical connection and attraction. The best way I can explain it is that it was like being married to a close friend who you like as a person, but you just don’t have that feeling that you can’t live without them. I have nothing negative to say about Jackson. He was a good husband. I wasn’t the best wife, but I was never physically unfaithful to him. My unfaithfulness came in the form of me never giving our marriage a shot from the very beginning. I wronged Jackson in that regard, and I regret how I treated him.”
“Have the two of you ever discussed it?”
“To some extent, but not directly. It’s not like we don’t have closure, though. We do.”
She nods. “Can I ask you something else?”
I sigh. “Why not?”
“How come you came to me tonight instead of Rayne or Izzy?”
That’s actually a good question. This is the only place I even considered coming. “Hmm. Izzy’s a relationship mess. This isn’t something I would ever think of going to her to discuss. Even when she was married, things were always messy for her. I guess Rayne had an easy road to love.”
I shrug. “Maybe because things were harder for you? You found love later in life. I honestly don’t know. I didn’t think about going anywhere else.” I give her a small smile. “I guess you’re like a fungus that’s grown on me.”
She laughs as I say good-bye and make my way toward Jackson’s house.
Jackson
Darian laughs in her special, sexy Darian way. “Jackson, we’re supposed to be watching the movie.”
I’m lying on our couch, between my wife’s fully clothed legs, kissing her neck, not remotely paying attention to the movie.
“I think the movie’s almost over. It’s time for you to get naked.”