She looks up at me. I looked into these dark blue eyes for so many years. All I see in them is sadness.
“It’s nothing overly deep. I feel alone. I feel unwanted. I feel unloved. I’m afraid I’ll spend the rest of my life alone.” She whispers, “I just want what you have.”
I look down at her. “What’s that? What do I have that you want?”
“Love. The love you share with Darian.”
I step back and look at her in shock. “You’re jealous of my relationship with Darian?”
She shakes her head. “Not like you’re thinking. I’m not jealous that Darian has you because I want you. I’m jealous that you were able to find someone when I can’t. I want it too. I was in the same marriage you were in. I know we never had it. But now you have it, and I don’t. To be honest, it fucking hurts, Jackson. Am I unlovable? Am I such a mess that I can’t open my heart to someone?”
Her voice is raising. “Look at the last few years. All three of our sons fell in love. Real love. You fell in love. Everyone in our family has love but me.”
I shake my head. “Everyone loves you.”
She smacks her hand on the island. “Don’t patronize me. You know what I mean. Don’t talk to me like I’m a child.”
“What do you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell me the truth. Am I unlovable? Am I capable of giving love? And you know the kind of love I’m talking about.”
I nod in understanding. “Do you want the truth?”
“Of course.”
I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know.” I see the shock in her face. It’s not the answer she was expecting.
“You never even gave us a chance, Melissa. You resented me for getting you pregnant. You resented me for wanting to marry you. You resented me for you having to drop out of school. You resented me because we had a baby to take care of when all of your friends were out having a good time. I tried for years to bend over backwards to make you happy. I all but forced you to go back to school to get your degree. To learn all the languages you always wanted to learn. I knew how important that all was to you. I always offered to stay home with Payton when I had time, so you could be with your friends. I tried hard to make you happy and make you love me. But you never ever tried. Not even at the very beginning. At some point, I stopped trying. I had to for my own self-preservation.”
She stands there with her eyes wide open, tears welling in them, breathing deeply. I may have gone too far. She didn’t deserve that. I step toward her, “Meli…”
She holds up her hands. “No. Stop. You’re right.” Tears begin streaming down her cheeks. “You’re 100% right. I was a closed off bitch for our entire marriage. It’s on me. I ruined your life. I’m sorry.”
I shake my head. “Stop it. Yes, you were closed off. You weren’t a bitch. Maybe last night you were a bitch, but not during our marriage.”
She lets out a laugh through her tears. “Are you going to tell me what I did last night?”
I shake my head. “No. I’m not. Melissa, you didn’t ruin my life. Do I seem unhappy?”
“No, you’re the happiest motherfucker on the planet. Sometimes it drives me nuts.”
I smile at her honesty. “Iamhappy. I won’t apologize for that. But you’re a huge part of my happiness.”
She gives me a confused look. “Without you, we wouldn’t have our sons. We wouldn’t have our grandkids. And, honestly, I don’t know that I would’ve met Darian if not for you. Darian wasn’t available to me when we were younger. I believe I met her exactly when I was supposed to. Exactly when I needed her and she needed me. I don’t resent our marriage. I choose to see only the good that came from it, and a lot of good came from it. I couldn’t ask for a better, more loving mother for our boys than you.”
She has a fresh set of tears in her eyes. “Why are you so nice to me?”
I let out a laugh. “I have no reason not to be.” I shake my head. “Frankly, I think you would have preferred if I wasn’t so nice to you. You may have been more into me.”
Her eyes widen. “How… why… what makes you say that?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. Living with you for twenty-five years? I think you’d prefer a man with more edge than I have. I could be wrong. It’s just my gut instincts on it.”
The look on her face right now tells me that she knows I’m right.
I look at my watch. “I’m sorry to cut this short, but I have a meeting. Can I drop you somewhere?”
“Are you headed to the city?”