Cassandra’s eyes light up. “Ooh. Tell us.”
“I think using the worddominatingwas perhaps a mistake, given that it’s a specific sex kink. I intended it to be more of a personality trait, not a full kink. The men that reached out were into all kinds of shit. I had one man show up with a dog collar and he asked me to put it on for the date. I immediately turned around and went home.” They laugh.
“I had another send me pictures of paddles and whips. Yet another asked if I was into being shackled in his dungeon. Then, I finally seemed to have met a decent guy, so I went out with him. When he picked me up, he asked me if we could go to a friend’s party. I agreed, but when we got there, they asked us to put our cellphones in a hat. I had safety concerns with that, so I asked my date why I needed to. I honestly thought that maybe someone famous was there and they didn’t want their picture taken. Boy was I wrong.”
Cassandra laughs. “That’s hilarious. He took you to a swinger’s party?”
I nod. “Yep. Just a totally normal first date thing. Go to a swinger’s party and have sex with all kinds of random men.”
Rayne smiles. “I guess you left that one right away too?”
Now it’s my turn to give a guilty expression. “Actually, I stayed.”
They all look at me in shock.
I hold up my hands. “I didn’t participate, but I did want to stay and see how it went down, and they let me. It’s like a different universe. I talked to a guy who said he met his wife at one of these parties. They were both married to other people at the time but fell for each other at a swinger’s party and left their spouses so they could be together. Can you imagine that? I just can’t believe they still go to the parties.”
They’re all laughing now.
“Then I went on a date with a guy who wore more jewelry than me. It was like Mr. T on steroids.”
They’re still laughing.
“Then I was getting messages from all these guys with slightly broken English. Apparently, European men are very into the whole dom/sub thing. Oh, and I’m also learning new terms. Have you heard of ENM?”
Izzy and Rayne shake their heads no. Naturally, Cassandra nods. “Ethically Non-Monogamous?”
“Yes.” Izzy and Rayne look confused. “It basically means married people who have an understanding that they will see people outside of the marriage. I got a bunch of those guys. I unknowingly went out with two before I started noticing that ENM is actually listed on their profile. Imagine my surprise when they started talking about their wives.”
They’re all shaking their heads, smiling at the insanity that is my love life.
“I had at least ten guys ask about peeing on me. Two asked if I would be willing to pee on them, one of which said I’d need to eat asparagus first. I had one guy ask me if I was into knife play. Was I okay with him cutting me during sex? Hell, no.”
I throw my hands in the air. “I’m giving up. I think my definition of dominant and other people’s definition are different. I took all that stuff off my profile.”
Izzy shakes her head. “It can’t be as bad as the guy I went out with last week. He spent the whole date texting his ex-wife and lawyer. We didn’t say a single word for like thirty straight minutes because he was attached to his phone. At some point, he excused himself to take a call from his divorce attorney. When he got up, I decided to just leave. I was so pissed off. I went outside and there was a cute guy out there smoking a joint. He and I started talking and hit it off. Long story short, we end up in my car and he was going down on me. He was really good at it. My windows were completely fogged.”
Cassandra asks, “Did you come?”
Izzy nods. “Yes. The floodgates have figuratively and literally been opened.”
“Did you ruin your car seats?”
Izzy narrows her eyes at Cassandra. “I had the foresight to lay down a towel. Anyway, the guy I was on a date with came out and started knocking on the windows. I forgot that I had told him that I’d drive him home.”
Now we all have tears running down our faces.
“I’m lying there with my skirt around my waist. I didn’t even get the opportunity to reciprocate on that poor guy in my car. I had to shamefully admit that I was on a date with another man while I let him go down on me in the car.” She covers her face. “The whole thing was a mess. I had to drive the original guy home in my car that smelled like sex.”
Once we stop laughing, I sigh. “Izzy, what do we do next? Dating at our age is horrible. I’m getting close to throwing in the towel.”
I turn to Rayne. “You’re so lucky you met your forever guy so young and don’t have to deal with modern dating. It’s a goddamn nightmare.”
Rayne gives me a weird look. I ask, “What’s the look? Is something wrong?”
She bites her lip. “I feel like a little bit of an asshole saying this.”
I wave my hand. “Just say it.”