The thought makes the acid in my stomach roll.
“I’m going to use the restroom.” I slide out of the booth and bolt toward the bathrooms.
A few people stop me along the way to say hello, but I keep the small talk to a minimum as I travel to the back of the bar.
The noise around me disappears as I shut the door and flip the lock. The sick churning sensation in my stomach remains, and I take a few deep breaths to ground myself.
Guilt always hits me first. It tramples all sensible thoughts, making me feel like a shitty person for being jealous of Delilah and Wyatt. Of wanting what they have and wishing it were me who was able to find someone special.
As quickly as the guilt arose, it fades away, leaving me with a hollow feeling in my chest—the same feeling I always get when I think about going home tonight and crawling into bed alone.
Better to be alone yet secure than in a relationship and worried.
It takes me a few minutes to gather myself and let the overwhelming nausea pass. By the time I return, Delilah and Violet have moved on to safer conversations and the empty feeling in my chest is no longer present.
It only took five minutes of deep breathing in a public bathroom to get there.
My mind drifts throughout the next hour. At one point, I go back to drawing mindless patterns through the condensation building on my glass of water.
“What do you think, Alana?” Delilah asks.
“What?” I blink.
“Did you hear a word of what I just said?”
I wince. “Sorry.”
“Seriously, what’s gotten into you?” Violet turns to look at me.
“I think I’m going to have to sell the house.” Even though I spent the last two days processing the news, it still doesn’t feel real.
“What? Why?” Delilah gasps.
“Cami got into Wisteria Prep.”
“I knew she would! They’d be stupid not to pick her.” Delilah claps her hands together. Her enthusiasm quickly dies as she checks out the look on my face. “Wait. Are you going to sell the house to help pay for the school?”
I swallow past the thick lump in my throat. “I don’t have any other choice.”
“What about financial aid?” Violet frowns.
“They offered me a good amount, but even with the scholarship, it’s not enough to cover everything.”
“But you love the house.” Her scowl deepens.
“And I love Cami more.” My voice cracks. “You should have seen the look on her face when she got in.” My smile wobbles. “She spent the whole morning working on her dance moves because she wants to be ready for ballet with the big girls. There is no way I can say no.”
Delilah clasps on to my hand and gives it a squeeze. “Are you sure about this?”
No, I’m not, but hopefully by the time we are prepped to sell the house, I will be ready to come to terms with leaving it, even if it means breaking a piece of my heart in the process.
I stop in front of the empty store window and stare at my reflection in the glass.
My two best friends keep walking down the sidewalk, unaware of my absence as Violet continues talking to Delilah about her neighbor from hell. “Can you believe he actually told me to go buy earplugs? Like I’m the abnormal one because I don’t want to hear him fucking like a porn star at three a.m. I swear, one of these days I’m going to bring someone home just so he can see how it feels… What do you think—hey!” Violet backtracks.
Delilah follows behind, using her cane to prop herself up. Today is a sucky arthritis day for her, but she doesn’t let that stop her from chasing after Violet.
“Sorry.” I look over at them with a wobbly smile. “I got distracted.”