It only took a few minutes to get to the clubhouse and when I got there, the place was crawling with people. I wasn’t surprised. When something big happened, we congregated there, always. Losing Ashley and having Casper laid up in the hospital was big.
When I got inside, I was surprised to find that the entire place had been cleaned from top to bottom. There was no evidence that we’d had a party the night before. Not a single beer bottle or dirty glass.
People sat around the room, talking and hanging out, but I didn’t see anyone drinking. Tonight was a coffee night, if there was such a thing.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
My chest tightened and I searched for anything that would distract me.
“Hey,” I said as I dropped into a chair across from Hawk and Tommy.
“Leo!” Hawk blurted, jumping up from the couch. “Dude.”
Before I knew what she was doing, her arms were wrapped around my neck, and my head was pressed against her tits as she hugged me. Because I was sitting and she was standing, there was no way to return the hug without touching something Tommy would knock me on my ass for, so I just left my arms at my sides and allowed her to hug me.
“Come on, Heather,” Tommy said gently. “Let him go, baby.”
I jerked when Hawk pulled away and I saw the tear tracks on her cheeks. She hadn’t made a sound or given any indication that she’d been crying.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “I just can’t believe this shit is happening.”
“Me, either,” I replied with a sigh.
“How’re you holding up?” Tommy asked, pulling Hawk into his lap.
“Barely,” I replied, staring at my feet. One of my boots had a streak of green paint on the side from when I’d spray painted Gray’s trike a few weeks ago. “I’m fuckin’ barely holdin’ up.”
“How’s Gray?” Hawk asked.
“Fine.” I shook my head. “He doesn’t know shit, and even if he did, he wouldn’t understand it. Tonight, he was just happy he got to stay with Ash’s mom.”
“Is she going to be a problem?” Tommy asked reluctantly. I knew he hated to ask, but fuck, I understood why he was. Ashley’s mom didn’t like me, and she wasn’t going to be happy that I was Gray’s only parent now.
“Right now, she’s just devastated about her kid,” I said softly. “Happy to have Gray there with her, givin’ her a reason to keep her shit together.”
“Makes sense,” Hawk said. “He’s her only link to Ashley now.”
“That’s what I’m worried about,” Tommy replied quietly.
“I’m not,” I said with a shrug. “She can hate it all she wants, man. I’m Gray’s dad. She wants to fight me, she’ll lose.”
“Ash wouldn’t want her to give you grief,” Hawk said seriously.
I nodded. We may have had a casual relationship in the beginning, but as we’d worked together to raise Gray, Ashley had become one of my closest friends. I thought that it probably helped that neither of us was looking for more. There were no hard feelings that we weren’t a typical couple with a baby, no resentment or jealousy when one of us hooked up with someone else. I knew that the way we did things and the way we’d parented wasn’t the norm, but it had worked for us.
We’d rarely fought about anything, and honestly, we’d gone out of our way to help each other out when it came to Gray. If I was on a run, she’d let me have him the minute I got back into town. If she had plans to go camping or out with her friends, I rearranged my schedule so that Gray could stay with me. It worked for us because we’d worked at it. Gray was the most important thing in our worlds, and we’d done the best we could to give him the most drama-free life that we could.
I clenched my fists and breathed deep, fighting the tightness in my chest at the thought of never seeing her again.
“I’m gonna hit the sack,” I mumbled, not meeting anyone’s eyes as I stood up from the chair.
I didn’t even wait for their responses before I was striding toward my room. I needed to get away from everyone.
The minute I closed the door behind me, a shudder wracked my frame, almost bringing me to my knees. I struggled to inhale air into my lungs, and the moment I succeeded, a sob broke from my throat. I stumbled to the bed and landed hard on my ass, my hands covering my face, trying to keep everything inside.
Jesus, I couldn’t believe that she was gone.
I couldn’t imagine my life without Ashley in it. I couldn’t imagine a life where Gray didn’t light up at the sight of his mom’s face, or fall asleep curled against her chest as she laughed. I couldn’t imagine not having that one person in the world to talk to that loved my son as much as I did.