She needed air, she needed space and she desperately needed to be alone.
Lex held up her hands and backed away. ‘This was just supposed to be about sex, Cole. Why are we shouting at each other?’
‘I’m not the one shouting,’ he pointed out, his tone ultra-reasonable. ‘And I thought we agreed that we could be friends as well as lovers.’
She held his eyes, her eyes cool. ‘One question, Cole.’
He arched one eyebrow, waiting.
‘Was deflecting me off the subject of your brother worth this argument?’ When he didn’t answer her, she spoke again, her voice as brittle as frost-eaten winter grass. ‘I’ll leave you alone to think about that.’
Lex grabbed a torch from the kitchen drawer and walked to the main building and back, kicking her way through the snow. By the time she returned, she was miserable, freezing and had a pulsing headache. Knowing that she had some pain killers in her bag, she slipped into the master suite, found her bag and the pills, swallowed them down and sat down on the edge of the bed. Would Cole sleep here with her tonight? Would they spend the rest of the trip in silence? Would he simply ignore her, deciding that she wasn’t worth his time and energy? Joelle had been the master of the silent treatment and had had a doctorate in making her feel as if she wasn’t worth her time and attention after one of their many clashes.
Lex heard his footsteps but didn’t look up. He sat down on the bed beside her and his arm snaked around her waist.
‘Are you still mad?’ Cole murmured in her ear, placing his mouth on the bare skin below her ear.
Yes. No.She was still furious, but more at herself than at him. He’d sliced away the half-truths she’d told herself, and she hadn’t liked what she’d seen. She’d been so convinced that she’d recovered from the wounds her mother had inflicted, but she hadn’t done as much healing as she’d thought, and she hated that. Hated that the past still had such a hold over her.
She shrugged and couldn’t stop herself from leaning into him, soaking up some of his strength. He felt like a barrier between her and the world. At this moment, whatever wanted to hurt her had to come through him.
Lex gave herself a mental shake, telling herself to see things as they were, not as she wanted them to be. They were short-term lovers, as he’d said—friends. It wasn’t his job to protect her.
This was all so confusing.
It shouldn’t be. He was just a fling, not someone who would be in her life long-term. She had no intention of allowing someone into her heart only to watch them walk away a few weeks or months later, dunking her in a vat of hurt and disappointment. Cole would never be able to put her, and what she needed, first.
Lex ran her hands up and down her face. ‘I don’t know,’ she answered him honestly.
‘Fair enough,’ he replied, before standing and scooping her up to hold her against his chest.
‘What are you doing?’ she demanded, wide-eyed.
‘Taking you to bed and, after I’ve made you feel boneless, you’re going to take a nap before we eat.’
‘I never nap,’ Lex told him.
Cole swiped his lips across her mouth. ‘You will,’ he promised her as he walked her to her side of the bed and lowered her down. ‘I’m sorry if what I said pushed your buttons.’
Lex noticed that he hadn’t apologised for what he’d said. Why should he, since he was right?
‘If I agree with that, will you admit that you changed the subject to avoid speaking about your brother?’
He nodded. ‘Yes. I didn’t want to talk about him any more, but I still do want you to come to France with me.’
‘I thought this would end when we got back to Cape Town.’
‘I’m still not promising you anything, Lex, but neither do I think we need to discard each other like last night’s takeaways. We’re enjoying each other, let’s keep doing that.’
She started to shake her head, to tell him she couldn’t, that it was impossible, but pulled the words back at the last minute. She was reacting out of habit, because doing something fun wasn’t what she did, wasn’t something she thought she deserved. She could go to France. Nothing was keeping her here. It was the opportunity of a lifetime. She’d never travelled out of the country and didn’t know when she’d next have the chance to use her unstamped passport. Excitement bubbled beneath her skin, skipped into her blood and coursed through her body.
It had been so long since she’d felt excited that she almost didn’t recognise the emotion. But because she was cautious, because a little voice deep inside was screaming at her not to make any impulsive decisions, she lifted her hand to his jaw and told him she’d think about it.
‘Good enough.’ Cole lay down next to her and pulled the band from her hair, combing his fingers through her bright strands. He stroked his thumb down the cord in her neck and she looked into his warm eyes. ‘Can I just say a few more things?’
Lex tensed, wishing he wouldn’t. She’d heard enough and had too many thoughts careering around her head. She just wanted to feel.
‘Although I do think you neglect yourself, I’m also in awe of you, Lex. I think you are amazing, and I have the greatest respect for you. You are raising your sisters, working, studying, juggling more than a couple of balls in the air and not letting any of them fall.’