‘It would cost a fortune!’
He shrugged, prepared to spend whatever he needed to. ‘Well?’ he asked, when she didn’t say anything.
She wrinkled her nose and, after another minute of thinking, shook her head. ‘It’s a lovely offer, Cole, and I so appreciate it...but we couldn’t put you to that trouble and that expense.’
‘I’m offering,’ he pointed out.
‘Thank you, but no.
‘I appreciate you thinking of them—it was very sweet of you,’ she added in an ultra-polite voice. She didn’t sound like herself at all. And sweet? He was anything but.
Lex rolled off his lap and stood up, jamming her hands into the front pockets of her jeans and hunching her shoulders forwards. She wore a russet-coloured jersey and fluffy socks on her feet.
He sat up, reached forward and hooked his finger in the band of her jeans, pulling her to where he sat. He pulled her back down to his lap and sighed when she sat on his thighs, her back ramrod-straight, her hands between her knees.
Why did she look so miserable, so guilty? He remembered hearing that she hadn’t had any time away from them in five years. ‘It’s okay to say no, Lex.’
She turned her head to look at him. ‘This is the first time I’ve had concentrated time on my own since they arrived five years ago. This is my little holiday, my time to decompress, to simply be. I don’t want to be interrupted by someone asking me for milk or juice or how snow is made. I don’t want to have to supervise meals and bath times and read six stories before they go to sleep. I just want to be here, with you, isolated and quiet. For a few days, I just want to be me,’ she told him.
Fine with him. He didn’t have a single objection to anything she was saying.
‘But I feel so damn guilty for turning down such an amazing opportunity for them to be overawed by the helicopter ride, to play in the snow. They’ve had so little, Cole—we haven’t been able to give them much.’
He stroked his hand up and down her slim back. ‘No, only a stable house, food, the chance to go to the same school every day and sleep in the same bed every night.’
He leaned down to kiss her temple. ‘And don’t forget love and affection, Lex—you’ve given them a lot of that. They are very lucky girls.’
He’d been raised with every toy, been given the best education and had always worn designer clothing but he’d have swapped all of it in a heartbeat for a kiss goodnight, someone to read him a story, to nag him about bath and bed times. Lex had no idea how valuable her gift to her sisters was.
Lex released a huge sigh, the tension flowed out of her body and she leaned sideways to rest her head on his chest, curling into him. ‘I feel so damn guilty, Cole,’ she whispered.
‘For what, sweetheart?’
‘For resenting them, for being angry because I’ve sacrificed so much for all of them. For being jealous of Addi,’ she added, so quietly he almost didn’t hear her.
He encircled her body with his arms, keeping her clasped to his body. ‘Do you want to explain that, Lex?’
‘No.’
It was an honest and forthright answer and not unexpected. ‘C’mon, Lex,’ he coaxed her, partly because he was curious about this woman, but also because he sensed she needed to talk to someone.
‘When we were young, I loved her to death and she was my best friend—but I was angry because she was born blonde and beautiful and I wasn’t. She’s so very smart and so effortlessly lovely.’
Sure. But Lex’s sister hadn’t generated a spark of desire in him while Lex sparked an out-of-control wildfire.
‘When we were kids, I always felt like I was a step or two behind her, constantly trying to catch up. I thought that would change when we became adults but, even then, Addi always came first.’
‘Give me an example,’ Cole prompted.
‘How many do you need?’ Lex asked with a snort-laugh. ‘She got her degree first. I went out to work. I was going to go to uni when the girls arrived, but I had to stay home and look after them while Addi went out to work. I haven’t had a moment to myself lately because Addi’s been haring around Africa staying in your fancy hotels as she shows Jude Fisher around.’ She pulled away but he wouldn’t let her.
‘Go on.’
‘I feel like I’m the one who’s made the majority of the sacrifices, who’s always got the short end of the stick. I gave up my career, my love life, my student life, my degree, to look after the girls. Sometimes I feel like Cinderella, and that my sisters have had an easier ride than me. That I am the one who’s always going to be expected to make the sacrifices.’
She pushed away from him and pushed the balls of her hands into her eye sockets. ‘And I hate feeling like that, hate feeling cross and resentful and jealous. I love them, Cole.’
‘Of course you do,’ he told her. ‘You can still love them and feel angry, Lex. You are allowed to feel two emotions at once.’