“I’m in the city,” I said evasively.
“Are you hurt? Did he hurt you?” she demanded.
I shook my head, forgetting she couldn’t see me. What could I say? That this monster of a man had shot someone and tortured my father in the same night, but the only pain he’d given me was the hardest orgasms of my life? That was the kind of fucked up we were dealing with. She’d be horrified to hear how resigned I was about Henry. I was a little shocked by it myself. My love for him had hardened into cold resignation during the years he’d been terrible to my mom and me.
“No, he hasn’t. He won’t. Don’t worry about me. I was concerned about Tucker. I’m so sorry for getting you involved.”
“Lori, you need to tell me where you are. I can help. I’ll call the police.”
“The police can’t do anything against him, and you know it. You know men like him, don’t you? He told me you’re running from someone.”
“Is he forcing you to protect him by threatening me? Because I can take care of myself,” Fede said, her tone full of fire.
I noticed she didn’t deny it.How many secrets had Fede and I been keeping from each other? “It’s complicated. I’m sorry, but I can’t talk about it. I needed to know you, Theo, and Tucker were okay.”
“We’re not okay when we don’t know what’s happening with you. We’re worried about you, Lori.”
I forced a breezy tone to my voice. “Don’t be. I’m fine. That night got out of control, but it’s better now. I promise,” I said through clenched teeth. I knew I couldn’t ask her to save me. I was unsalvageable.
“If he’s making you say this—”
“He’s not. Do you think he’d let me phone you like this if I was being held against my will?”
Fede was quiet as she processed my words. “So, you’re telling me you’re choosing to be with him, despite what he’s capable of?” she asked, her tone cool.
I cringed at her judgment. I felt pathetic, like every woman I’d ever scorned for being too in love and stupid over a man to see sense.
“It’s complicated,” I repeated.
Fede laughed bitterly. “It’s really not.”
“It is. If you don’t understand it, you’ve never been in love. Knowing someone,reallyknowing them with all their ugly parts . . . it’s something different. If I abandon Kirill, I abandon myself,” I finished quietly. I’d had no idea those words were coming, but as I said them, they rang deafeningly true to my ears.
“Lori. Some people can’t be saved.”
“If he can’t, then neither can I.” I knew that was true the way I knew the world turned, and people needed air to breathe.
Fede took a moment to answer, and I could feel the weight of her disappointment over the phone. “I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ll tell Theo you’re all right. Good luck, Lori,” she said and abruptly hung up the phone.
I stared at the receiver, tears welling up inside me. Christ, that was brutal, but I couldn’t blame her. I was sorry I felt that way too.
33
MOLLY
The next few days were rough. Federica’s words wormed into my brain and played on repeat like a vine with thorns prickling at me whenever I moved. Was she right? Was all this a mistake? Could I reach Kirill one day?
Then suddenly, one day, it got worse.
It was mid-morning on a routine day. Olga and Max were in the kitchen, and I’d left them to go shower. I’d realized halfway along the corridor that I’d left my notebook in the kitchen and had a childish fear of someone, like nosy, no boundaries, Max, reading it. As I went back for it, I heard Max and Olga speaking quietly in the kitchen.
My feet moved soundlessly over the polished wooden floor as I approached the kitchen and heard their whispers. Something about their conversation set my nerves on edge. They sounded like people with something to hide, and I was paranoid these days. I slowed my approach and lingered outside the doorway.
I knew I shouldn’t listen, but I couldn’t help myself. I had always been attracted to things that would hurt me, and eavesdropping on Max and Olga talking was no different.
“His brother wouldn’t be so confident if it weren’t a done deal.” Max sounded grim.
The music of Olga loading the dishwasher punctuated her words. “Kirill hasn’t spoken about a woman except for this little caged bird he keeps here.”