Federica twisted in her chair, staring at me with accusing, wet eyes. “What will you do to her when you find her? Will you hurt her?”
“I’d never hurt her.”
“That you think you haven’t already shows how fucked up you are,” she muttered.
“I’ve hurt Mallory, and she’s hurt me too. It doesn’t matter the chunks we take out of each other and the wounds we inflict. In the end, none of that matters. The only thing that matters is that we’re together.”
10
MOLLY
The week passed in a soft blur of easy office work, cooking at Fred’s, and sleeping for twelve hours a night. I’d never been so tired. It was the pregnancy, but even more than that, it was the sadness. Anger fueled me during the day, but alone in the dark at night, I couldn’t hold back the tears. I worried about the baby growing up in such a distressing atmosphere and researched it endlessly, but in the end, I couldn’t change my feelings. All I could do was survive them.
I used the internet at the library or a tablet Leo had given Fred for his birthday one year that he didn’t know how to operate. I never checked my email. It was too risky. Instead, I researched baby-related things endlessly. Maybe if I were super prepared for every eventuality, it wouldn’t matter that the little one growing inside me had a mother with a broken heart and was being hunted by their father.
The thought of getting rid of it never crossed my mind. It wasn’t an option. The baby was mine, and the father was the only man I’d ever wanted to have a baby with. The timing might be wrong, but who its parents were wasn’t.
I’d got paid on Friday, cash in an envelope. I didn’t know what Fred told his buddy who gave me the job, but they’d never asked me to complete the proper paperwork. If I were an average person, it would suck to be off the books and not get medical or anything else, but for who I was? It was perfect. When I’d asked if they were worried about breaking the law for a stranger, the kindly owner had patted my hand and told me that in Willow Creek, they looked after each other.
Today, I was treating Fred and Leo to a takeout Sunday dinner. I’d yet to contribute much to the food bill at Fred’s house since he waved me off every time. I had been determined to buy dinner tonight, though, and he had reluctantly agreed. I planned to put the whole potential date night issue to rest with Leo by buying my favorite meal for us to eat together. I hoped the subtext was clear enough.Don’t wait for me.
On my way to pick up the takeout from a small, family-run Indian place down the street, I stopped in my usual spot to make my Sunday evening call. As always, fear and excitement battled in my chest as I listened to the line ring.
“The Blue Rabbit,” Federica answered. She sounded subdued.
“Hey, you. Everything okay?”
She was quiet for a long moment before clearing her throat. “Yeah, you?”
“Okay. Well, good enough. How’s Mara this week?”
We fell into our usual update conversation, but even talking about Theo’s engagement to Officer Tucker didn’t seem to shake Fede’s reserve.
“Seriously, what’s going on with you?” I demanded after ten minutes of stilted conversation.
“Nothing. I’m the same as always. Still a selfish bitch,” Fede muttered, stunning me for a second.
I let out an incredulous laugh. “Hey, don’t talk about my friend like that. You’re the furthest thing from selfish.”
“Maybe you don’t know me that well,” she muttered.
“Ouch,” I complained softly. “What’s going on with you? Is it Kirill? Is he making life difficult for you?” Guilt punched me in the gut.
Her laugh was raw. “My life is always difficult. I haven’t been totally honest with you or Theo. I’m not from New York. I came here three years ago.”
“Okay, cool. That’s not a big secret, is it?”
“I came here because I wanted to disappear.”
She sounded so strange and upset.I immediately wanted to soothe her turmoil. “Your secrets are yours to keep, Fede. If that’s your real name,” I joked.
“Right. Most people who want to disappear change their names, don’t they? Duh. I’d make a terrible spy,” she muttered. The words were meant to be joking but were edged with something too real.
“Yeah, you clearly need to buy Being a Spy for Dummies.” I tried to draw her out of her melancholy.
I glanced at my watch and stiffened. Shit, this whole conversation had lasted way longer than I usually stayed on the line. Granted, my knowledge of phone tapping was reserved to TV shows, but wasn’t it common knowledge that longer calls were more traceable?
“I need to run. I’ll call you next week. If you don’t mind working the Sunday still?” I knew it was a big ask. Every time Fede missed a Saturday night for a Sunday, she missed out on tips. I figured one day, she’d tell me to call a different day, and we’d try to make it work, but she hadn’t so far. Sunday was the only night quiet enough to make sure it was Fede who answered the phone.