“And Sasha?”
Father Donahue is quiet for a moment. “She would remain in Boston–for the foreseeable future, out of reach and sight, and no longer a temptation to you. Of course, whatever bonds you may have formed during this time away can be confessed, but they will have to be dissolved. You will return to your old life and your old vows, and you will be able to wipe away the time in between.”
From the moment he’d begun to speak, I’d known what my answer would be. But the final sentence confirms my feelings–that my first instinct was the right one.
Nothing could ever make me want to wipe away the time I’ve spent with Sasha. And not even this could make me give it up.
“I’m sorry, Father,” I say quietly. “I know Viktor went to great lengths to plead my case, and I’m grateful. I know that you took a leap by agreeing, and I am grateful for that, too. But things have changed–and a return to the priesthood is no longer what I wish for.” I take a deep, slow breath. “Everything that I wish for is right here.”
There’s a long moment of silence. “Think about it, Max,” he says finally. “Don’t make a hasty decision. The offer will still be here tomorrow, if you sleep on it and change your mind.” Another pause. “I hope you do.”
I hear a rustling behind me in the bed, and I turn slowly as I hang up the phone to see Sasha, half-sitting up as she looks at me worriedly. “Who was that?” she asks softly, and my heart twists in my chest.
“It was Father Donahue,” I tell her honestly, and as I see her face fall, I see that she’s figured it out even faster than I did. “He offered me my old place back. A return to my life as a priest.”
30
SASHA
The words feel like a punch in the gut.
For a moment, I can’t breathe or think. It feels as if my world is falling apart around me before Max can even say anything else, my worst fear coming true in one horrifying sentence. “Max, I–”
“I told him no,” he says quickly, before I can finish. He crosses quickly to the bed as I sit there, staring at him in stunned silence, sitting down next to me as he reaches for my left hand. I see, in the dim light, that he’d slipped the ring on my finger, and my heart twists with a pain that I hadn’t known I could feel. It feels worse than anything I’ve ever endured so far.
“I made promises to you, Sasha,” Max says quietly. “I asked you to marry me. I didn’t do that lightly. That life–everything I had and was before, I walked away from it. I meant it when I told you that, when I said that I loved you, when I asked you to spend your future with me. This changes nothing.”
“I–” It’s hard to think of the right words to say. All I can think about is a future where Max becomes disillusioned with his choice, where he looks back and regrets walking away from the thing he’d wanted so much that he’d clung to it even after it left him behind–for me. At the moment, I can’t figure out which would hurt more–him walking away from me now, or walking away from me in the future, if that fear comes true.
“You need to think about it,” I whisper, still clinging to his hand.
Max looks stricken. “That’s what Father Donahue said, but Sasha–”
“No.” I shake my head, swallowing hard. “I don’t want you to make the choice only for me, Max. This is everything you wanted, up until very recently. You have to be sure, or else I’ll spend my whole life wondering if you’re looking back. It can’t be a snap decision.”
I can see the pain on Max’s face, but he nods slowly. “Sasha, I–”
“I know,” I whisper. “But you need time to think.”
I lean forward, kissing him lightly, my hand against his chiseled jaw, the scrape of stubble against my palm. “I will love you forever, no matter what you choose,” I whisper against his lips.
And then I stand up, shrugging on a robe, and slip out of the room.
—
I end up on the back patio, looking out onto the garden beyond the McGregor house. I clutch the railing, letting the brimming tears finally spill over, my heart aching.
I’d believed we had a future. To Max’s credit, I know he’d never expected that offer. I know he’d never thought he’d be allowed back into the fold. But it still hurts to have my happiness pulled away so abruptly all over again.
He said he told him no.Why did you fight it?
I have to be sure. It can’t be a whim or a quick decision. He has toknow.
“Sasha?” Ana’s voice, soft and uncertain, comes from behind me. “Are you alright? I was up to feed Brigit, and I heard footsteps–”
I swallow hard. “I–yes. I’m–”
Something crumples inside of me, and I turn to face her, tears spilling down my cheeks faster now. “I’m not,” I whisper. “Max got a call–it was Father Donahue. He offered him his old place back, he–”