“I remember what I said, before I took the gun from you. I meant every word of it. You’ve carried so much that you never thought you would, Max. The revenge for your brother, Alexei–even just the desire to get vengeance against others like Edo and Art. I know it haunts you. It’s not the same for me, Max. I can carry some of it for you–and I wanted to.”
He frowns, a small line that I have the sudden urge to kiss away appearing between his eyebrows. “What do you mean, it’s not the same for you?”
I let out a soft sigh. “You always feel so much guilt about it, no matter how justified. But I remember–” My teeth sink into my lower lip as I shake my head. “I saw Viktor shoot the man who assaulted me in the warehouse. I watched him fall dead and saw his blood run out on the docks, and I didn’t feel horrified, or afraid, or disgusted. I wasglad. And I didn’t see how that could be wrong. That man took something from me by force, something thatmattered. Even if it hadn’t mattered to me, it wasn’t his to take. He stole from me. Hehurtme. He changed me, and I have never been able to understand why I should have been horrified that he paid the price for it or that I should have grieved what happened to him.”
I swallow hard. “Everyone talks about forgiveness, Max. They say you’re supposed to forgive that kind of hurt, that kind ofviolation, that it makes you a better person. But I don’t believe it. I know you do–and that’s why I killed Art…or a part of it, at least. I killed him for you–and I killed him for me.”
Something changes on Max’s face, and I feel a stab of fear in my chest. “I–” I suck in a breath. “I understand if you feel differently about me now. I understand if this changes things. But even if it does–I can’t regret it. You’ve saved me over and over again, Max. You’ve done things you never thought you would to avenge me, to protect me, to save me. It was my turn to save you. I hope–I hope I saved us, too.”
“Oh, Sasha.” My name slips out of his mouth, and it’s said in my favorite way. The way he speaks it that sounds like a prayer, a wish, a hope. “Sasha–”
Max reaches out, his hands on my face, pulling me closer to him. “I could never feel differently about you. Nothing can change how I feel, how I want you.Nothing. I just–I didn’t want you to have to live with what I do. I didn’t want you to have that guilt.”
“Then we’ve both gotten what we wanted–because I don’t.”
We look at each other for a long moment, the words hanging between us. “You’re sure?” Max asks finally, and I nod.
“It was the right thing to do.”
—
In any other place, Max and I wouldn’t have slept for the rest of the night. But with Levin sleeping across from us, we’re content with holding each other, drifting back into sleep in each other’s arms with the promise of more later. In the morning, we eat breakfast in the room, and Levin glances between us.
“You can’t go back to New York just yet,” he says thoughtfully. “Viktor still needs to keep a distance, for now. But there might be something to be said for Boston. I’ll talk to Connor and Liam today. They’ll want to help you if they can, I think.”
“I want to go back to the estate, before we leave,” Max says. “One more look around before we go.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea–” Levin starts to say, but Max shoots him a pointed look, one that Levin seems to understand.
“It’s important,” Max says quietly. “We’ll be careful, and we’ll take security.”
Max and I set out after we eat, another car with security trailing behind us, and we make the drive back to what was the Agosti estate.
We avoid the burnt house and the memories of what happened two nights ago. Instead, Max drives us out to the vineyards and the barn, which are untouched. He parks out front, opening my door for me, and grins at the look on my face as I step out.
“You really fell in love with this place, didn’t you?” he asks, his fingers lacing through mine as we look out over the vineyard.
“Not as much as you,” I say teasingly, resting my head against his shoulder for a moment. “But yes, I love it. It breaks my heart, what happened to the house.”
Max makes a noise low in his throat. “The house I don’t care so much about,” he says finally. “There were plenty of memories there, but not too many good ones. I can have it rebuilt–better, newer, more to my liking, and probably yours. But all this out here–” he gestures to the vineyards and the stables. “This is what really mattered to me. What I’m grateful was saved.” He pauses, turning to look at me. “I have plans for it, depending on what you think.”
“You do?” I look at him in surprise, and he laughs–the first full, relaxed laugh I’ve heard from him in a while. It lifts some of the heaviness off my shoulders, making me feel like maybe, just maybe, things can start to feel a little more normal again. It’ll take time, but perhaps it won’t always be like this.
Maybe we’ll be able to have the life we dreamed of after all.
“Well, I hadn’t really had a chance to talk to you about it.” Max gives me a lopsided smile. “The whole being on the run and trying not to die thing–”
“We haven’t been doing a lot oftalkingwhen we’re alone, either.” I raise one eyebrow suggestively, and he chuckles.
“That’sdefinitelytrue.” He grins at me, his hazel eyes lighting up.
There was a time when we wouldn’t have been able to joke about it, when Max would have done anything to avoid thinking about how much we want each other. Just that small change lifts my spirits immeasurably, making the world feel more solid around me.
He loves me. He wants me. No matter what happens next, things will be different.
“So, what’s your idea?” I look out over the vineyards. “We can’t stay in Italy right now.”
“No, we can’t.” Max rubs his hand over his mouth. “But there’s no great house to keep any longer, and no one living in it even if it hadn’t been burnt down. It was a waste for a long time, having so much of the estate’s money going towards maintaining that house and having even just the skeleton staff of Giana and Tommas.”