“You know what they say about taking your own advice,” I say wryly, but I order food as well, leaning back in the booth.
“So what happens after this?” I glance at Levin. “When we’ve gotten Sasha, and we’re out of here? What’s the next steps?”
“It depends,” Levin says carefully. “I don’t want to say too much, Max. I know you’re eager to look ahead to a better future, but there’s always the possibility that one or both of us gets caught in this. I’m confident in my ability to keep my mouth shut no matter what, but you–and I say this as a friend–I have less confidence in.”
I frown. “You’re saying if Obelensky catches us?”
Levin nods. “I know you’re thinking right now that you’d never say a word that would hurt Sasha, or me, or Viktor and his family–but it’s a different song that a lot of men sing when their skin starts being peeled away. Obelensky won’t give either of us the courtesy of a quick bullet. This is dangerous, Max, and the only reason I convinced Viktor to have you come with me is because we both knew that if I tried to leave you behind, you’d find your own way to Moscow. You and Sasha are very alike in that way.” He smiles humorlessly. “Brave, but reckless, and a little stupid. I say that with love.”
I raise one shoulder in a half-shrug. “I can accept it.” I drain my whiskey and push the glass to the edge of the table for a refill. “I kept myself out of this world on purpose for a long time, Levin. I chose not to be the kind of man who knew this kind of information, who made choices from the mind and not from the heart, who could withstand torture with clenched teeth and bitten lips. I tried to leave this behind.”
“Well.” Levin shrugs. “The best-laid plans.”
When we’re finished eating, we migrate to the bar, with a few drinks already in us. I’ve never been one to get heavily drunk, but the warmth of the whiskey softening the edges of my fears feels good, a welcome escape from the crashing thoughts of what could be happening to Sasha at this very moment and my helplessness to do anything about it.
“What will you do?” Levin asks suddenly, looking over at me as we’re delivered a fresh round of drinks. “When you have Sasha with you again?” He narrows his eyes, tipping back his glass. “Are you going to keep following those idiotic vows, or–”
I raise an eyebrow, taking a deep slug of my own whiskey. “I’m well aware of how stupid I’ve been, believe me.” I wrap my hands around the glass as I set it down, letting out a long breath. “To be honest, I don’t know if Sasha will want me any longer, after what I’ve done–the decisions I made. I made them all to try and protect her, but that doesn’t matter. I’ve come to see that. I hurt her anyway, and if she chooses to walk away from me after all of this–I’ll have to make my peace with that.”
Levin nods slowly, his fingertips tapping against the edge of his glass. “My wife was not unlike Sasha, you know.”
I stare at him, startled. I’ve rarely heard Levin talk about her. In fact, I’m hard-pressed to remember a conversation about the woman he’d married that was more than a few words. I’d always assumed it was too painful to recollect.
A moment of silence passes, and Levin lets out a breath, glancing sideways at me. “She was reckless, and brave, and stubborn. When she decided she wanted me, she wouldn’t be swayed, no matter the danger. She was the strongest, fiercest woman I ever knew–all the way to the end.” His lips press together, his face drawing taut. “I was lucky to have been loved by her. The same could be said for you and Sasha.” Levin tips back the glass, taking another swallow of vodka. “It’s not something to be taken for granted, Max.”
“I was wrong to do just that,” I say quietly, swirling the amber liquid in my glass. “After everything she went through, she trusted me. To the last moment I saw her, she trusted me. I don’t deserve it–but I’ll do all I can to be worthy of it one last time. And after that–the choice is in her hands.” I swallow the last of the whiskey. “I’m hers, if she’ll have me. If she’ll forgive me. I won’t make that mistake again. But that’s up to her–where it all goes next.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” Levin pats my shoulder, his gaze sliding across the bar. “It’s good that you’ve finally started to pull your head out of your ass, brother.” He clears his throat, slipping off the barstool. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a lovely brunette over there who shouldn’t be as alone as she is.”
I watch, half lonely and half-amused, as Levin makes his way towards the seat where the lovely, curvy brunette is sitting. It takes seconds for him to charm her up out of her chair, her arm slipped through his leather-clad one as he escorts her out of the bar and doubtless back up to his room.
It’s his way of deflecting; I know that. He drowns his loneliness and never gets too close, letting every relationship be for one night and no further. It makes me sorry for him and lonelier for myself, remembering a night, not unlike this one when we’d been here with Liam. Levin had ended up taking all three of the women that had approached us back upstairs with him, leaving Liam alone in his devotion and me in my celibacy.
I hadn’t been celibate that night, though, not entirely. The memory sticks with me as I leave the bar, heading back up to my lonely bed, how Sasha had slipped into my thoughts back then, a longing that I’d never expected to slake spreading through me. I’d given in to my desire that night, myneed, stripping out of my clothes and letting the temptation to stroke my aching cock overcome me as I’d fallen into bed, fantasies of Sasha running through my head as I’d made myself come hard and fast, groaning her name as I had.
The same temptation comes over me tonight, my entire body aching for her. It’s more violent than ever now that I know what it’s like for us to be together, how good it is, and the pleasure we’ve shared. The ache for her feels impossible to shake, thoughts of her filling my mind and making me hard before I even get to the room, my cock straining against my fly.
I jerk the zipper down the moment I’m in the room, leaning back against the door as I free my aching cock, a hiss of pleasure slipping between my teeth as soon as my palm wraps around the heated flesh. All I can think about is Sasha, her soft hair falling around her face and mine as she leaned over me, kissing me, the pressure of her legs wrapped around my hips as I’d sunk into her wet heat. As many times as I’d imagined what it would be like to be inside of her before we’d finally given in to temptation. Nothing could have prepared me for the reality of it–wet and hot and tight, warm velvet stroking my cock again and again, a pleasure beyond description and made all the better because it washer.
The only woman I’ve ever wanted. The only woman I’ve ever loved.
“God!” I groan out, tipping my head back against the door as my hips thrust into my fist, my cock dripping pre-cum, my shaft slick with it. I can feel myself straining, wanting, seeking more than just the pleasure of my hand rubbing over the needy flesh. “Fuck, I need you, Sasha–ohGod, oh God–”
I moan helplessly, fucking my hand harder as I imagine the softness of her breasts pressed against my chest, her fingers digging in there as she’d ridden me, the scrape of her teeth over my lower lip as I’d rolled atop her, driving into her hard and fast as I’d taken what we both so desperately needed. I imagine it all, but it’s the memory of the taste of her that throws me headlong over the edge, the sweetness of her on my lips as I sucked her clit into my mouth, feeling her drench my tongue with her arousal as she gripped my thrusting fingers, arching and crying out her pleasure as I ate her to a climax again and again–
My cock stiffens and throbs in my fist, and I barely make it to the bathroom in time to lean over the sink, jerking my hand over it hard and fast as my back arches and my toes curl. I come hard, the memory of Sasha vivid in my head as I imagine myself filling her with my cum instead, sinking deeply into her as she begs me for it, pleading me to fill her up as I spurt again and again, feeling as if my soul is being dragged out through my cock with the needy intensity of the orgasm.
I slump over when it’s finished, gripping the edges of the counter as I let go of my still-hard shaft, my body shuddering with the last aftershocks of a hollow pleasure that leaves me with very little satisfaction. It’s not just the orgasm that I want, butSasha, and the memory of her isn’t enough.
It will never be enough. And if she walks away from me when all this is done, it’s all I’ll ever have.
Sasha was my first, and my only.
Whether or not she chooses to stay with me, she will be my last.
13
SASHA