“Yes of course,” I replied. “I understand. But I also offered to support us, continue working at Roma Outreach while we got everything under control. Instead you guys took the first offer that landed and beat feet as fast as you could, here one day and gone the next.”
The twins looked shamefaced, Kato almost speaking again but Karl beat him to it.
“I know what you mean, honey,” he said, “but please understand. We’d just discovered that our father had tried to get in touch with us, had wanted to know as boys and it was our mother, Violet, who’d turned us against him, painting him as a monster, a user who fucked her once and never bothered to call. So everything we based our lives on was fake, and we needed some distance to process it.”
“I understand,” I said somberly. “Sometimes getting away does wonders, look at me now after all,” I said, gesturing to the office. “I’ve come to Cambodia to refresh myself, establish a new company, find my peace, and raise my children. But there’s a big difference,” I paused. “I wasn’t leaving you behind. I held down the fort for as long as I could until it no longer made sense to.”
But Kato couldn’t hear me.
“But what happened to us was so extreme,” he protested. “Just think about it honey. Violet had based our life on lies, and we needed some time to mull it over, let it settle, that’s all,” he said persuasively. “Is that wrong?” he asked. “Is it wrong to ask for time?”
And I looked at him sharply then.
“Look at me,” I said, gesturing to my belly, the protuberance giant and swollen. “Look hard. Look how I’m carrying your children, how big they are now, waiting to be born. Can’t you see? Time waits for no one, especially not this. Your daughters are going to be born soon no matter what you say or what you do, there’s no slowing it, there’s no putting it off. So yes, there are situations when you want to be still and contemplative, to figure out what’s going on in front of you without making any drastic moves, butnot if it means leaving me behind.Absolutely not by leaving your pregnant girlfriend alone, to deal with the aftermath.”
“Plus,” I added. “I was the one who dealt with your mom, did you know that? You guys were long gone, and Violet was persona non grata with the Palace. She came to me, emptyhanded with nowhere to go, nowhere to stay, and I put her up in a little hostel for a while, helped her get her bearings after everything went down.”
And here the men paled.
“I’m so sorry,” rumbled Kristian. “We had no idea.”
“What did you think your mom did?” I asked archly. “Disappeared into the ether? Made herself invisible when it was inconvenient?”
He shook his head somberly.
“I guess we just didn’t think about it, maybe she went back to the U.S., hell maybe she reconciled with Georg, we have no idea what the fuck she got up to. I guess we were so consumed with the shit that had gone down that we didn’t think about how it affected others, we were just dealing with us,” he said slowly.
And I pounced then.
“That’s it exactly,” I said, nodding. “That’s it. You guys were dealing with you, with no thought for others. How can I be with men like that? How can I be with men who are supposed to be warriors, but left their pregnant girlfriend alone, to pick up the pieces?”
And I paused for a breath.
“And so I had to find my own peace. I talked to others, I took a lot of walks, appreciated what St. Venetia had to offer and realized, finally came to the conclusion, that I’ve got to be happy by myself first. I can’t depend on others for happiness, the way that I hung my star on our ménage. I used to live and die by our relationship, my moods would go up and down depending on your moods, if you were happy, if you were sad, if you’d had a good day or not. And I can’t be that girl anymore,” I said softly, shaking my head. “I’m my own woman now and I row my own boat, come hell or high water.”
The men looked stunned.
“You’re eighteen,” growled Kato. “You can’t be in a boat by yourself, metaphorically or not.”
“I’m nineteen now,” I replied softly. “And I’ve been rowing my own boat in Cambodia just fine for the past few months.”
“But it can’t go on forever like this,” frowned Kristian. “There’s no permanence here for the babies, there’s no Venetian heritage, no Venetian language, no sense of home. Come with us, little girl,’ he said persuasively. “We’re ready for a fresh start.”
And I sighed and shook my head. They really hadn’t understood, really hadn’t listened to what I’d been saying.
“Don’t you get it?” I asked softly. “I’m not Venetian, I never was, and neither are my children, so the Venetian heritage argument is useless if not downright offensive given everything that’s happened. And as for me, I’m “home” for these children, where I am is “home” for them, wherever in the world that might be. So please, leave us be, we’ll be just fine,” I finished.
And I turned back to my papers, looking down although I couldn’t see the words, the sentences a blur.
“And now if you’ll excuse me, Annelise is still waiting outside. She’s got an idea for a small rice farm, and I’m excited to take her through the business plan. Thanks for stopping by.”
The casual farewell did it. The fact that I’d dismissed them without so much as a kiss, a promise, a next meeting, struck the men like an anvil to the forehead. Their massive shoulders slumped, and they turned and exited quietly without saying a word, big frames departing silently. For some reason I should have been happy, happy that I’d maintained my cool in a trying encounter, that I’d had the final word. But instead my heart ached, the lump in my throat hot and heavy, making it hard to swallow. But isn’t that what love is? The happy and the sad … inexorably entwined.
KATO
Iwould have done anything to re-write history, to re-do everything that had transpired.
“Fuck!” I raged, pounding my fist against the door.