Maybe, just maybe, we won’t be stuck in this life forever.
Captain Kirill calls the first name, a big man who’s the best in our unit. He’s so good at hand-to-hand combat that even Matvey doesn’t go near him.
I understand the choice, but I can’t help the slight drooping in my shoulders.
The second name is called. The third and the fourth follow. All are the best members of their units.
With each name that isn’t mine, my heart falls to my feet. But I don’t lose hope. Captain Kirill wouldn’t have given me so much individual attention if he wasn’t already thinking of having me join his unit.
I bet he didn’t give the ones he already picked the same attention he gave me.
Unless…he did? Maybe that’s why he sent Viktor sometimes. Maybe he preferred to use his time for better candidates like these men.
Captain Kirill’s eyes study the crowd in an emotionless manner before they fall on me. It’s a second, or merely a fraction of one, but it’s enough to stifle my breathing.
Then he addresses the soldiers again. “Vasily Korosov.”
The man in question steps forward and my heart shrivels and dies in a slow, painful death.
“Thank you, Captain…” The lieutenant general is about to take the reins, but I’ve completely zoned out.
I failed.
Again.
No matter what lengths I’ve gone to, I haven’t been able to succeed. All I do is lose, unable to protect anyone. Not even myself.
This loss hits me stronger than I expected, because I genuinely worked harder than I ever have before. I challenged my physical, mental, and emotional limits. I went so hard on myself that I started getting cramps.
Last week, on our day off, I removed my chest bandages and went to see a doctor about it.
She said it’s because the testosterone levels in my body are too high and it’s messing up my hormonal cycle. She told me it might be better to switch from the shot to pills, but that would mean having my period back, so I refused.
And yet I’ve continued at the pace that I’ve become accustomed to and go beyond the mental cage my mind designed for me.
That hypocrite Kirill even said my shooting skills are a natural talent. He also nodded when he saw my improved physical chart.
Despite all of those reassurances, I still don’t have a place in his unit.
I want to strangle him.
He could’ve just walked away. Why did he give me hope and then chose not to follow up on it?
“One more thing,” Captain Kirill says, catching the other higher-ups by surprise. “I know I picked only five, but there’s another member who has shown the most improvement since I got here and proved in action that he has the right mentality to join the special operations team. Aleksander Lipovsky, step forward.”
The first thing I see is Matvey’s open-mouthed expression that resembles a fish out of water.
The next thing I see is the blurriness in my vision, but I hold back the tears of immense gratefulness and triumph.
I don’t know how I manage to do it, but I take a step forward and salute. I’m thankful my hand doesn’t tremble and I don’t start bawling my eyes out.
Captain Kirill meets my gaze, but there’s no approval behind his icy eyes. He’s really a cold man with a stone instead of his heart.
The lieutenant general congratulates us and blah blah blah, but I can’t stop looking at the captain.
Mynew captain.
I know he’s harsh and unforgiving. I know he has a tendency to make people uncomfortable in their own skin.