I watch him fidget with the hem of his shirt. “Okay, then what?”
“I got her address and flew to Phoenix to figure it all out. It didn’t seem like a conversation to have over the phone, especially if she didn’t want me knowing in the first place.”
“And? How’d that go?” My heart hammers in my chest.
“She wasn’t happy to see me at first and was annoyed that Laurel reached out to me, but she came around to the idea of knowing. I told her I wanted to take responsibility if he was mine, so I took a paternity test while I was there. The results won’t be back for a week, so I won’t know for sure, but he’s the spitting image of me.”
Diesel’s words gut me. As crazy as it sounds, a part of me wanted to be the only woman who gave him a child. I’ve thought about what it would be like to start a family with him. How many kids we’d have. How me and Riley’s children would grow up together. It’s almost as if I’m mourning my fantasy, something I thought about once I realized my feelings for him. Those dreams feel demolished now.
I nod, trying to keep my emotions from spilling out. If it’s his son, I don’t want to be negative about it and make him choose between a new relationship and being a dad. “Maybe it’s better that it happened this way, you know? Maybe we were never meant to last, and it was another shitty way for me to learn that I shouldn’t trust men and the empty promises they give me. Or maybe it’s the whole better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all kind of situation. Either way, you have a child and a family to take care of now, Diesel. I think it’s best if you focus on that right now instead of us.”
Diesel grimaces and shakes his head, actually looking hurt and surprised by my words. “Are you serious, Rowan? You’re just gonna walk away?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I glare at him. “You have a family to focus on now. There’s no point in starting something new when you have unfinished business to take care of.” I’m so hurt that nothing he could say right now could mend my heart.
“A family? I have a kid, not a wife. I don’t want Chelsea. You know who I want? Who I’ve always fucking wanted? You, Rowan. You. You’re the woman I dream about every single night and have since I was a teenager. I just finally got you, and there’s no way I’m going to allow this to wreck what we have. I’m not giving up on you or us. I won’t.”
I cross my arms over my chest, retreating a step. While I appreciate his effort, it’s not enough right now. “I’m not getting in the middle of this, Diesel. You need to be there for your son. You need to build a bond with him because you haven’t been in his life. And who knows, maybe once you and Chelsea are around each other, sparks will fly again. There must’ve been an attraction between you, or you would’ve never fucked her in Vegas. I’m not stupid, okay? Y’all connected enough to make a baby, so you need to focus on getting to know the mother of your child and co-parenting. Trust me when I say I’ll only get in the way, and I don’t want to live with that.” The tears build, but I push them away. I will not allow him to see how much this actually pains me. I can’t.
“I can do both, Row. I can be a father, and I can be with you.” He inches closer. “Please, let me prove it to you.”
I tighten my jaw, wishing he would allow me to just walk away. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but he’s making this much harder than it should be. I know I’m doing the right thing, even if it’s breaking me in the process, and he doesn’t agree.
“I’m not sure about that. You never replied back to my messages, Diesel. You ignored me for nearly three days after the most amazing night we had together. That meant something to me, and then you basically ghosted me. If it hadn’t been for my brother telling me, I would’ve thought something horrible happened to you. It made me feel like I was just another hookup, and it meant nothing to you. For hours, I racked my brain on what went wrong, but all along, it was you being selfish. I poured my heart out to you, which you know wasn’t easy for me, yet you still didn’t feel the need to tell me what was going on. The moment I found out the truth, from someone who wasn’t you, is the moment you walked away. And that’s okay. I’ll be just fine, and so will you.”