There was quiet talking, and then I felt my face flame.
I knew without a doubt they were speaking about me.
I didn’t say a word as Diana finished my hair.
Then she urged me to go look at it in the bathroom.
I got up without looking behind me and headed straight for the bathroom. Once I looked at it—which was comical because even if I hated it I wouldn’t make her redo it—I contemplated what to do next.
Eventually, she’d want me back in here as she got ready.
“Are you coming back out anytime soon?” I heard Diana call.
“I thought I’d stay since you were just going to tell me to come back inside here so you could talk to me while you got dressed,” I called back.
Diana, laughing, met me at the bathroom door as she said, “You’re right.”
I walked with her to her bedroom.
While she got dressed, I sat on the floor on the soft, fluffy carpet that I loved.
One day, I’d have a rug exactly like it.
In the meantime, I would just lie down and think about it being mine.
“You’re so weird,” she teased as she stepped over me to get to her pants that were on the side of the bed.
Bain walked in just as Diana, in her underwear and bra, stepped over me.
“This is awkward,” he said as he watched us.
Diana and I were immune to nakedness. All that awkwardness went out the window when we’d been friends as long as we had, and had gone through some of the toughest years of our lives together.
“This is life, Bain,” Diana said. “Scoot over. I need to button these pants.”
I did, allowing her to lie next to me as she buttoned and zipped her jeans.
“I don’t know why you’re wearing those if you have to go through all that trouble to get them closed,” I said.
“I agree,” Bain concurred.
I sat up and went to the bathroom where she kept her socks. Grabbing a pair, I tossed them at her where she lay on the floor, then caught up her shoes and put those on the ground next to her.
When I was done, I stood there awkwardly, knowing I needed to leave because Bain was obviously in here for a specific reason, but not wanting to go out into the main room because that was where Etienne was.
“Thanks,” Diana said. “If you want, you can go grab my purse?”
In other words, get out so I can talk to Bain.
Fuck.
Grinding my teeth, I walked out of the room, past Bain who was practically taking up the entire doorway, and straight out of the house.
I saw Etienne as I passed, but I thought it would be better to just leave so that I didn’t say anything to him I’d regret.
Such as, I hate your fucking girlfriend.
I had enough people in my life right then to know that I didn’t need to deal with anyone else’s bullshit.
And Etienne definitely had a lot of bullshit.
Heading straight for my van, I got in it, started it up, and put it in reverse only to see Etienne’s bike parked behind me.
God. Dammit.
Throwing it back into park, I sat in my van until they all exited the house together, laughing.
I gritted my teeth.
Do you want to know what it felt like to always be on the outside looking in? To always feel like, just maybe, you weren’t really meant to be in this world?
When we’d first met, that was how Diana and I had bonded. We’d just met outside the coffee shop on campus, and it was obvious when one fucked-up person recognized another.
Diana dealt with depression and issues that stemmed from her childhood.
I dealt with it, too. But only in a more roundabout sort of way.
It wasn’t fun, or cool, or exciting to never fit in anywhere you went.
It also sucked to always wonder if you were being normal enough to hang around people.
I wasn’t normal.
Far from it, actually.
I liked to touch inappropriate things. I didn’t always have the right words to say. Sometimes, I didn’t even notice when someone was upset with me.
To make matters worse, my confidence in myself was forever going to be low thanks to the assholes I called family.
But right then, sitting in my van, watching the three of them laugh and joke—likely at my expense—I felt… sad.
Really, really fucking sad.
I looked down when they finally spotted me in my van, my fingers going to the string hanging from my shorts.
I heard a knock on my window and looked up to see Diana wave as she pointed at Bain’s bike.
I nodded, and was just in time to see Etienne walk by, his eyes on me.
I quickly looked away, but the damage was done.
My heart was racing, and my hands were now sweaty.
I reached for the stress ball that I’d squished so damn much that I now needed to find a new one.