“You can.” He brushed a kiss to my hand. I tugged it back, but then he stepped forward and ran his hand up into my hair. I tilted my head up to look at him. “I want this, Amelia. I know you want this too.”
Then, he kissed me.
And oh, how I wanted that kiss to be real. For it to mean something. But it didn’t. It just … didn’t.
“No,” I said, pushing him backward a step.
He blinked at me in shock. “Amelia … I …”
“No,” I repeated roughly. “No, you don’t get to just kiss me whenever you want. I can’t be used to forget her, Ash. You can use everyone else that way, but not me. Not again.”
“Mia, I’m sorry,” he said, his eyes losing the cloudiness of the alcohol as he realized he’d overstepped.
“Maybe you are, but you need to stop it, Ash. You need to stop drinking this much and fucking around this much. You need to see someone about what happened. You need help,” I said, my voice breaking on the last word. “I’m your friend. I’ll always be your friend, but I can’t be more until you’re better. Until you’re … over her.”
He nodded once. His jaw clenched and his hands fisted. I could see it clear as day on his face. He wasn’t ready for any of this. He’d just wanted to have fun, but I couldn’t let him hurt me again like he had in New York. I wouldn’t do it.
“Happy birthday, Ash,” I said and then turned and walked away.
19
Savannah
December 25, 2020
Kathy was still dressed to the nines.
The annual Ballentine Christmas party had been canceled. It felt wrong not to celebrate the way we always had, but big parties weren’t exactly done this year.
I was in a silky red dress that I’d designed but barely sold any of. I was drinking out of a flute of champagne, sitting on a velvet chair, as Kathy stared up at the Christmas tree. Christmas music filtered in through the sound system. Derek was still in Atlanta with Marley. They’d decided against driving down for the holiday. The holiday was sort of sad.
My dad appeared then in a tuxedo, and Kathy’s face lit up as bright as the tree.
“Shall we?” he asked.
Then, he held his hand out, and she took it. He swept her up in his arms, and they moved around the room effortlessly. I could imagine the crowds around them, the laughter and entertainment. But this Christmas, it was just the three of us. I’d dumped my boyfriend a few weeks ago after he made fun of me for not wanting to take a real vacation this year. He was the third this year, and I couldn’t bring myself to get back on dating apps. Why were all the men on them terrible?
“Come on, Amelia,” my dad said, holding his hand out for me.
“I’m good.”
He arched an eyebrow. “One dance for your old man?”
Eighteen-year-old Amelia would have laughed and let her daddy take her around the room. She hadn’t quite despised him yet. But … I just couldn’t have it.
“Hard to be festive,” I said as I came to my feet. “I’m going to the library.”
My dad sighed and glanced down. “All right. Love you, honey.”
“Love you too,” I said as I retreated.
I caught Kathy’s disapproving look, but she’d asked me to come over. We’d had dinner. I’d kept it together that long. I didn’t want to dance around with him too. I should have gone home, but the library was tradition.
I snuck inside and was surprised to find the light already on. And not just that … the double doors that led to the outside had been cracked open. Alarms went off in my head, and I reached for the handle again. But then I saw who had entered our home.
“Jesus Christ, Ash, you scared the shit out of me.”
Ash stepped forward with a laugh. “Sorry. Sorry! I thought you’d already be here when I got in and I could tap on the glass to get your attention. Then, it was too cold. Do you remember last Christmas was, like, seventy? And this Christmas, it’s only thirty-four.”
I released all my anxiety and slumped back against the door. “Well, at least you’re not an actual intruder.”
“I thought I’d surprise you.”
“Oh, I’m surprised,” I said with a shaky laugh. “I thought you were going to kill me.”
He laughed. “Someone has been staying up too long, watching true crime documentaries again.”
“Guilty,” I admitted with a laugh. “They’re relaxing!”
“And look where that gets you. Jumping at shadows.”
“Okay, but you were actually there. So, not just a shadow.”
“Fine, fine,” he said, producing a bottle of champagne and offering it to me. “I took this from my dad. You know it’s tradition.”
“I thought this was the year where we skipped all traditions.”