And I’m not sure the way I feel about him will ever go away, though I kinda wish it would so I could get on with my loveless life.
Chapter Seven
Mason
EIGHT MONTHS BEFORE THE FIGHT
No one will ever truly know what causes someone to take their own life, and as I stare at the scene of the accident and take notes, I feel sick to my fucking stomach. I look around the room in the apartment, and everything is perfectly in place. A notebook lies on the bed along with her cell phone, a stack of schoolbooks, and an empty pill bottle. It was her third attempt, but this time, she succeeded. On her dresser are pictures of her with friends and family, and I wonder if she contacted any of them and told them what she was going to do.
My emotions begin to bubble to the surface, heat rushes to my face, and I have to excuse myself from the room. It’s okay not to be okay, and right now, I’m definitely not. Too many memories flash before my eyes, and I feel weak in the knees as I think back to my college days.
“Mason,” Detective Ducet calls out. I know I want to eventually go into investigations, and I have to be able to handle death and horrific scenes, but this one hits a little too close to home.
I scrub a hand over my face, then walk over toward him. “Make sure you observe how they collect the evidence. Smith is taking photos and marking the scene. I’ll see you back at the office, but I think this is a pretty cut-and-dried case. After getting statements from her parents and learning this wasn’t her first attempt, I don’t think any foul play was involved.”
I nod, listening and agreeing.
“You look like shit. You eat something bad?” he asks.
“Yeah. I think so,” I lie, not wanting to open the closet where I hide all my skeletons. “I’ll be just a second.”
I take a deep breath, pull my shit together, then go back to continue to help process the scene. Once I’ve done my due diligence, and watch the forensic investigators do their thing, I head to the office. My mind wanders, and I find myself falling into a dark place, one I try not to visit often. After the day is over, I grab my stuff and head home with a mind full of shit I don’t even want to think about. All I want to do is relax, wash off the day, and push it all away.
I think most people who have jobs of this nature have to compartmentalize it all; otherwise, it’s a lot of heaviness to deal with on a daily basis. But I also believe we’re helping people when we solve cases and find the bad guys, or at least, that’s what I tell myself.
The moment I’m home, I see Sophie and Maddie are here again hanging out with Liam. They’ve been around more and more, and though I purposely push Sophie away, wanting to keep her at arm’s length, I can’t deny that I enjoy her presence. Hearing her laughter, seeing her smile, listening to her talk about her job and how much she loves playing—all that brings me so much happiness. Sometimes when I don’t think she’s looking, I’ll smile at her, but inevitably, she catches me, so I’ll immediately put my guard back up again.
The four of us have hung out before and watched movies. We’ve even been able to laugh and hold a real conversation too. At times, I notice myself failing at keeping her at bay, my resolve vanishing, and I have to remind myself not to give Sophie the wrong idea. The last thing I want is to lead her on and have her think I can give her more, when I can’t. At those moments, I put my shield back up and push her away again.
Today was rough, bringing back memories I’ve tried to forget, and when I see there here again, frustration builds inside me. The demons I try so hard to control came back in full force today from just that one scene.
Liam greets me as soon as my eyes meet his, and Maddie mutters something under her breath about how I look like shit. Liam smirks in agreement, but he knows what my job entails and that it’s bound to hit a nerve. Instead of responding to either of their comments, I grunt and head upstairs to take a shower. I know it’s not their fault, but I need time after work to decompress and get the day out of my head.
I knew what I was getting into when I decided to major in this field and even more so when I realized where I could potentially work in the future. I knew I’d be dealing with horrendous situations like abuse and homicide, including kids, teenagers, and the elderly. In my mind, I knew what to expect. But today—today triggered me for the first time in a long time, probably years.