“Wow…” I say. “That’s why she jumped to help you right away with Weston.”
“Yeah, she’s a lawyer now. She’s a few years older than us and was just going into law school when she moved in.”
“Why didn’t you guys ever talk about her before?” I ask.
He shrugs, pinching his lips together. “I guess because I knew it’d circle around to Emma, and I wasn’t ready to talk about her to you or anyone. Talking about her is still hard. I live with it every day, and it’s not something I like putting on someone else.” He finally looks up at me. “Just like you don’t want the pity looks and people to walk on eggshells around you, I felt that tenfold. Every day. My close friends knew, but I wasn’t ready for anyone else new in my life to know. It’s a lot of emotional baggage and—”
“I think everyone has some kind of emotional baggage,” I tell him truthfully. “Is that why you stopped dating altogether?” For the past three years, I’ve never seen Mason with another woman, but whether or not that was because he only slept with them and didn’t date them, I don’t ask.
“At eighteen, Emma was my first…everything. My first real relationship. My first love. My first heartache.” I see the shame and remorse in his expression. “I shut down after that. Knew my past was too much to put on someone else. Didn’t ever want to go through that again. Kept everyone at a distance so nothing more could come from it.”
It clicks then when he looks at me, his eyes soft and his lips tight. He hasn’t been in a serious relationship since her because not only does he blame himself for everything but he also refuses to let himself be happy again.
“You can’t keep punishing yourself, Mason. I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but you have a lot to offer someone. Even if you don’t believe me, Emma was responsible for her own life, too. You can’t keep all the burden on your shoulders.”
“Well, it’s really fucking hard not to. Especially when I relive that night over and over again in my mind, all the things I didn’t do, all the things I could’ve done differently, all the things I should’ve said that might’ve stopped her. It’s so goddamn hard to think I deserve anything less than living with the guilt for the rest of my life.”
His words are sharp, and I know arguing with him isn’t going to change the way he feels. And on some fucked-up level, I understand.
I take his hand and place his palm on his chest. He looks at me in confusion, and I tilt my head, hoping he can hear the sincerity in my voice. “You have the best heart, Mason Holt. Even if you shield it, even when you push people away, and even if you think otherwise. You go out of your way for the people you care for, and I do understand because I feel a different kind of guilt when it comes to what happened to Weston and how it involved you. I hate that I let him into my life and essentially yours. But what’s done is done. You have to forgive yourself for what happened to Emma because, ultimately, it was her choice. You tried to help her. Serena tried to help her, and even when you think you could’ve done more, it might not have mattered. If it hadn’t happened that night, it could’ve happened another night. She was sick, she was addicted to drugs, and she was using you as her excuse.”
Mason stares at me, expressionless, and I watch as his throat tightens.
“Forgive yourself, Mason, and live your life again. You deserve it.” I release my hand from his and give him a weak smile. “It’s because of you that I’m here, alive and safe.”
He drops his hand, letting it smack down on his thigh. “And I want to keep you that way,” he says in a rough voice, a vein in his forehead throbbing. “I don’t trust Caleb.”
“I know your guard is up, but you have to understand that even if he were interested in me, the feelings aren’t mutual,” I tell him honestly. “Caleb’s a nice guy. He’s been a shoulder to lean on, and I’ve tried my best to listen when he’s needed it, but that’s all we’ll ever be in my eyes. If he wants more, he’s going to be sadly disappointed.”
“I want to trust your judgment, Soph. But after Weston and what I’ve seen in the past few years with criminal cases, it’s hard not to feel skeptical of a guy like Caleb,” he says earnestly.
“Okay, how about this? I will only see him at the grieving circle from now on. Perhaps I’m giving him the wrong idea by being so nice, and if I back off a little, he’ll get the hint,” I tell him because the last thing I want to do is give Caleb the wrong idea. I was trying to be there for him as a friend, but nothing more is ever going to happen.