Iget Cassidy settled in her own suite—“Seriously, buy whatever you want, I don’t give a shit”—before I head back to the room I’m sharing with Brice. I can tell she’s had a little bit to drink because she didn’t argue when I said we’d be sleeping in the same bed. She looked at me like she wanted to punch me in the throat, but she didn’t say no.
A strange hope blossoms in my chest.
She’s lying in bed, still awake. I sit down near her feet and want to reach out and touch her, but I hold myself back. She looks at me and brushes hair from her face, and her eyes are sharper and more focused than I expected. That’s good, she’s not wasted, only tired.
“This feels familiar,” she says.
“It does. I wish it didn’t.”
“Do you? I don’t know, I think you like swooping in and saving the day.”
I laugh to myself. “I’ve never been the savior type. I’ve always been the guy lurking in the darkness.”
“People change.”
“Do they?”
She nods slowly. “I think so.”
“Brice—”
“Wait.” She sits up and leans her back against two pillows. “Before you say anything. Tell me why you’re here.”
“I told you already. Lanzo warned me—”
She shakes her head. “No, that’s not it. Why did you pay the Panagos when you didn’t have to?”
“I promised your grandfather.”
“That’s not it either.” She looks almost desperate and something in my chest threatens to crack to pieces. “Why are you here, Carmine? Tonight, right now? Are those guys real?”
I stare at her, and a thousand thoughts swirl through my mind. I want to crawl to her, pin her down against the bed, kiss her, feast on her, taste her and have her and hold her tight after and feel her slick sweat-covered body against mine. I want to fuck her and go soft between her legs after we’re both spent. I want her so badly it’s like an ulcer tearing my guts to pieces, and I still can’t make myself open my mouth and say the words. They’re too much, too big, too far and too out of reach. I don’t get to say things like that—I’m too broken and too dirty—and she’s too clean. She’s too perfect. I don’t get someone like her.
But here we are, alone in a hotel room again, and I don’t know if I’ll get another chance like this.
“They’re real,” I say and reach out to touch her calf. She doesn’t pull away but she stiffens. “I’m here because your father is making bad decisions and there’s nobody else thinking about your safety. I’m here because I can’t stop thinking about you, Brice. Since the day I saw you, since that very first day, I haven’t gotten you out of my head.”
“You hate me,” she whispers. “You hate everything I am.”
“You’re right, I hate everything you are, but I don’t hateyou.” I clench my jaw and try to find the words to explain, but they’re inadequate, they’ll never be enough, and they’re all I have. “I didn’t send your father to jail to get at you. It was never about you, not at first anyway. You were just another way to get closer to your family, closer to what I wanted.”
“What did you want?” she whispers, staring at me, and I feel something I’ve never experienced before.
Regret. Shame.
“Power. Money. Respectability. I wanted everything you had, and that’s why I hated you so much. I hated you because I knew I could never be you, I could never be clean, could never be pure, could never be optimistic. Your family was everything I wanted but would never get on my own, and I thought I could use you to get it. I was wrong, Brice. I was so fucking wrong.”
I move closer to her. My hand slides up her calf, up to her thigh. She shivers and tilts her head back, staring into my eyes, and I kneel there next to her. “What happened?”
“I realized you were right. Not totally right, but more than I wanted to admit. The world isn’t all darkness and hell and filth. There’s some light in here too, light between the black cracks. I didn’t understand it until you’d already left, and by then it was too late, but nothing else matters to me anymore but protecting the only good things in my life. Nothing else is important, except for keeping you safe.”
“Carmine,” she whispers and I dig my fingers into her leg.
“I should have told you from the start that I was behind getting your father sent to prison. I should have been upfront and honest, but I never dreamed I’d begin to feel this way. I didn’t think I have any light left in me. And I’m not saying I’m all puppies and rainbows now, but you changed me and I’ll always be grateful for that. You don’t owe me anything, but I’ll always look out for you, and so long as your father is making a fucking mess, I’ll be there to make sure it doesn’t blow back onto you. If you still want me to go, then I’ll go. I’ll get my own room or I’ll sleep on the couch. But just know that it didn’t start out about you, but now you’re everything.”
“Carmine,” she says, blinking back tears. “I changed too. You think you’re the only one that changed? You’re not the most fucked-up person in this room anymore.” She laughs and I move closer. “I hate what you did to Daddy, but you weren’t wrong to do it, you were only wrong to not tell me. How am I supposed to trust you again after that?”
“Ever since you really came into my life, I’ve never betrayed you. I’ve only worked to keep you safe, and I’ll keep doing that whether you ask me to or not. Tell me to go and I’ll go.”