“Stop,” I cut her off. “Not the same. Not an iota of similarity. My fantasies and kinks have nothing to do with reality.”
“Why do you have them, then?”
I swallowed. “Because, growing up, the way I was introduced to sex was kind of a task. That guy I told you about, Moruzzi? He made me and the other kids do bad stuff for him. And as payoff for our jobs, he’d hire prostitutes for us. The sex wasn’t optional. It was mandatory. A rite of passage. For a long time, I associated sex with something I was obligated to do.”
“So this is your way of taking back your sexuality.” She let out a breath.
“Yes.” It was the first time I admitted this to anyone.
“I get it. Then why doIget turned on by all this?”
I gave it some thought. “Maybe because you want to remind yourself of the important part.”
“Which is?”
“That you survived.”
Silence lingered before she spoke again.
“You looked like you cared about me today.” She shifted under her blanket.
“Just did my job.” I cleared my throat. It felt tight.
“It was your job to protect me, not to almost kill him.”
“Some jobs have perks.”
Another silence.
“Ransom?”
“What?”
She hesitated. I held my breath. I really shouldn’t. I’d avoided her for seven days. I had no business waiting for more of her words.
“Can you…”
No.
“Maybe…”
Fuck, no.
“…hold me?”
The worst part was that I couldn’tactuallysay no. I wanted to. I could not deny her anything right now.
I felt my body rising up and rounding the bed. I slipped behind Hallie, staying on the far end of the mattress. She didn’t turn around. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, leaving room for Jesus between us, and a few other biblical folks if they wanted to squeeze in.
She was shaking like a leaf. I wanted to butcher Craig until nothing was left of him but dust and those fake-ass veneered teeth.
Slowly, in hopes of calming her down without awakening my cock—which had no qualms about Hallie’s distress—I began stroking her hair. It was soft and long. It smelled of coconut and flowers. Since I’d never before cuddled—I doubted I’d even said the word out loud—I went off what I saw people do in movies.
Her shakes slowly subsided.
“I want to kill him,” I heard her whisper.
“I can do it for you.” I was only half-joking.