“Yeah, I will, but I let her go, and she moved on.”
She frowned. “Why did you break up with her? That’s a mystery no one has ever understood.”
“It’s complicated.” I wasn’t telling anyone that. Not Hannah. Not a fucking soul.
She nodded as if she understood, when I knew she didn’t, couldn’t and wouldn’t. “Okay, Asher, I get it. But when you’re tired of seeing her with your brother and you’re ready to move on to something else, don’t forget me. I can wait.”
“If that day ever comes, you’ll be first I call.”
That brought a smile to her face. I liked seeing her smile. I didn’t want to think I’d been the one to take her ever-present smile away. “I could still go with you for moral support. As a fellow employee.”
I considered it. Having Hannah with me would’ve made it less awkward, but then again, it could’ve made things even more awkward, too. I shook my head. “Not this time. This is something I need to get over and deal with . . . but thank you for asking, Hannah.”
She shrugged her shoulders. “Okay, good luck, then.”
“Thanks.” Best thing I could have hoped for was for Dixie not to be home. Then I could unload, talk to Luke about work, and leave as quickly as possible.
Loading the truck didn’t take me long. I was on the road and headed to the Monroe’s in about twenty minutes. Had Hannah been sitting in the seat beside me, I might have felt a false sense of security. But that was all it would’ve been. No matter who was there, I had to face them eventually, see this through. And if Dixie was there, then I’d have to talk to her. Talk to her like my brother’s girlfriend. Accept what I said and what had to be, knowing she loved me, too. That was the hardest part. Knowing that my heart wasn’t the only one I broke. If there had been a way to save Steel in all this, I would’ve done it, but I didn’t see any other way to escape the truth.
Pulling the truck onto the dirt road that ran beside Luke’s big barn, I saw only his truck sitting there. Relieved by that, I parked and jumped down. I planned on making some small talk, unload the truck, and be gone in no time at all.
“I can help you unload that, Asher.” Dixie’s sweet, southern drawl stopped me in my tracks. I froze like a blizzard had hit me.
Motherfucking shit.
Dixie Monroe
I’D HEARD DADDY on the phone placing his order from Watson’s Feed and Seed. He didn’t know that Asher was likely to be delivering the order for them. I did. I knew it would be him. When Momma said that she had lunch ready, I told him to go on and eat with her, that I’d go out to the barn in case the delivery came. Oddly enough, he seemed fine with that. I expected it to be harder. He trusted me, but he was fatherly suspicious, as all good fathers were.
Asher’s back was still to me. He hadn’t turned around. He’d been expecting my dad and was obviously surprised when I was the one waiting there. I was relieved Hannah Watson didn’t climb from the truck. I wasn’t sure what my plan would have been if she’d been there with him. I was only focused on Asher, on speaking to him alone, even though I knew this was wrong. Even if he’d said it was over between us, I wanted to hear his voice again. See if it was truly over between us.
“Dad’s eating lunch,” I said, hoping he’d look at me.
His shoulders sagged and I felt somewhat guilty. The last two days had been hard on him. Having Scarlet rip Bray and Brent apart had been tough on all of them. He slowly turned to face me, “I’m having a hard time believing your daddy left you out here to take this delivery from me.”
Nonchalantly, I lifted my left shoulder. “He might not have known you worked for Denver.”
Asher shook his head and turned his gaze to the house. “Best I unload this and be on my way.”
He didn’t want to look at me. I knew that. Hated it even more. Did he sense desperation in my voice? Did he think that after the other night I expected more? That his showing how he felt for me by beating Bray’s face in would confuse me. Well, it did. But it also showed me that Asher was never going to hurt Steel. I had other plans. Another idea.
“We were friends once,” I said, knowing we could never actually be friends. That was no longer possible.
“No, Dix, we weren’t. I always wanted you. Never thought of you as a friend.”
I wanted to smile at that. It was something. But I didn’t smile. I didn’t let him see how much I liked hearing it because he’d just unload and run. I had to maintain some sort of wall, a barrier between us to keep him here, talking to me.
“I saw you with Hannah. Y’all dating?” I wasn’t sure what had gotten into me today, but I couldn’t shut up, had to say everything I was thinking. Jealousy was killing me.
“You also saw me with Amber. You’re not asking about her.”
“I know you’d never really feel anything for Amber. Hannah is different. You could love her.”
“I work with her. She’s a friend.”
They worked together. She saw him every day. Eventually that could lead to more. “She’s really pretty,” I replied. The words just kept spewing from my mouth.
“Yeah, she is,” he said.
Having him agree with me on that didn’t feel good at all. I continued with the stupid questions, “She likes you?” It sounded like a question but I meant it as a statement.
He shrugged. “Not important, is it, Dix? Why are you doing this?”
Everything about him was important to me. Vital, even. The fact that my heart ached for him every day and I felt empty and hollow inside mattered because this was what my life had become. I replied before I could stop myself, “Because, Asher . . . I love you.”
He closed his eyes tightly, his hands fisting at his sides. “Dixie, for the love of God, please stop. I can’t do this with you. I can’t listen to this or do anything about it. If I could, don’t you get that I would?”
The pain etched on his face, in his eyes, told me he was hurting too. And I was only making it worse. “I can’t stay with Steel. It’s not right. It feels . . . wrong to pretend. I keep pretending to love him when I’m in love with someone else. Always have been.”
Asher sighed, his breaths heavy now. He was searching for a response. “Even if you don’t stay with Steel, Dixie, I just can’t. He’s my brother. You saw what happened with Bray and Brent.”
I knew this already. But something inside me had to try one more time. It was wrong and cruel of me, but I had to try. I knew our situation was different. Bray and Scarlet had played with Brent’s emotions by using him to make the other jealous. I’d never done that to Steel. I never would. I was only guilty of loving Asher too much. But my heart knew what it wanted. Did that make me a bad person? I couldn’t find it in myself to care. My heart refused to let him go.
“I can help unload,” I said again. There was nothing else to say. I’d help him. Endure the pain of having him near and not be his, but he would be close. That would be enough.
“Why don’t you go and let your dad know I’m here? I’ll unload and then be on my way.” He said all that without once looking in my direction. The summer sun made his hair appear lighter than it was, highlighting its thick strands. His skin was tanned and I knew from summers past it would only get darker with time. The broad shoulders that made the taught fabric of his shirt cling to his skin had once been mine, to grip, hold onto, but now they weren’t mine to touch anymore. Nothing about Asher Sutton belonged to me anymore. All I had left were my memories. Every look, every touch, every kiss, everything he ever said to me. You could have put me in a box, thrown away the key, fed me enough just to keep me alive, and even after years had passed, I would have recognized his voice anywhere.