I smile at my perplexed son. “Well, why don’t you say hello. You’re going to really like Uncle Jamie.”
“Hello,” he says, tilting his head back and moving closer to my leg.
“Hi Chase,” Jamie says, and takes a distancing step backward. What the hell? Is he afraid of his nephew? He might have been absent a lot that last year, but when Jamie was around in the summer, he was definitely the fun uncle. But when my gaze meets his, sees the pain in the shadowy depths, I understand completely. Looking at Chase must be like a punch to the gut, considering he’s the spitting image of Ethan when he was the same age.
As the oldest brother by three years, Jamie would have remembered Ethan at the age of four, remembered every trait and nuance. Ethan had told me Jamie was always a good big brother, and I guess that’s why Ethan’s jealousy always confused me. Oh, he’d never come right out and say mean things, but I felt there was a hint of anger in the joking jibes spoken behind his brother’s back. It always seemed like Ethan wanted what Jamie had, and always wanted to outshine him.
But despite it all they were brothers and Jamie always looked out for his wild, reckless younger sibling, even though Jamie was known to be a risk taker too. Hence his hockey name. As I look at him now, however, I don’t get the sense he’s a guy whose about to risk anything. Not anymore. A loss will make you more cautious. That I know first-hand.
A dog barks in the distance and snaps me back to attention. “Let’s get inside.” I usher Chase in and Jamie follows. I walk around and flick all the lights on, like that will somehow chase away the ghosts that haunt me.
Chase climbs into the chair at the table, and makes noises as he runs his dinky car over the tabletop. I open and close the cupboards and fridge. I find a few canned goods, that have long ago expired, and set them on the counter to dispose of.
“I cleaned out the fridge, donated a bunch of canned goods last Christmas,” Jamie says, his voice quiet.
“Thanks, Jamie. I hate to see good food go to waste.”
“Are you hungry? I could order a pizza, or we could go to my place and I could make you something. I’m not a great cook, but I can get by.”
My stomach takes that moment to grumble. “Actually, a pizza sounds good.”
“Mario’s,” we both say at the same time and Jamie gives me the first smile of the night. It brightens his face, and reminds me of the once handsome, carefree guy from years ago. But I’m not so sure he exists anymore. We’ve both have gone through a lot since the accident. It was his pregnant fiancée in the car with my husband, and she walked away from Jamie after she lost the baby. I want to ask if he’s heard from her, but don’t want to open old wounds. Rumor has it he’s been with a lot of puck bunnies since Sara, but who am I to judge. We all grieve differently.
He pulls his phone from his pocket and punches in a number.
“Mommy, I want pizza.”
“Okay,” I say, knowing I’m going to regret feeding him pizza this late at night. He’d eaten on the drive here, but I’m not going to deny him a slice. “Can you get a cheese and pepperoni for Chase?”
Dark brown eyes so similar to Chase’s move over my face. “Pizza with the works okay for you?”
“Same as always,” I say, then go perfectly still. Nothing is the same as always. Why would I even say that? Oh, maybe because being in this house again, surrounded by all things Ethan is messing with me hard. I lean against the archway, and glance into the dining room. My gaze flickers over the framed wedding photo,
as well as the photo of us holding Chase for the first time, and that’s when it really hits me.
I can’t stay here.
A big, heavy hand lands on my shoulder and I jump a good foot in the air. I turn, and Jamie pulls me into his arms. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” He holds me tight, and my throat aches. It feels so good to be held, hugged—by him. He slowly inches back, and his eyes meet mine again. “Are you okay?”
“No, Jamie. I’m not okay. I’ll probably never be okay again.”
“Me neither,” he says, and slides his hand around my head to lay it against his pounding heart, which is just as shattered as mine.
Will we ever be able to put the pieces back together again? Find some semblance of a life?
Will either of us ever be able to find normal?
2
Jamie
Here I thought I’d been doing okay until I set eyes on Fallon. Then again, who am I kidding? I’ve not been doing okay for a very long time. But the second I looked into Fallon’s eyes, every painful memory of Sara losing the baby and leaving me, and my kid brother being rushed to the hospital only to die on the way, came crashing back in a whoosh.
Jesus Christ, I’ll never forgive myself for any of it.
How could I?
I was supposed to be the one taking Sara to her appointment. She trusted in me to get her there, and I let her down. Trust is so important to me and I totally fucked up. The damn practice went into overtime, and then we had a field of puck bunnies to push our way through. Sara had obviously turned to Ethan, could trust in my younger brother when she couldn’t trust in me, and now he’s dead, our baby is gone, and Sara fled the state, never to be heard from again. Yeah, all that is my fault and I don’t deserve to ever be okay again.