1
Fallon
I take a huge breath and slowly ease my foot off the gas pedal to coast my SUV into the long winding driveway. A quick glance in my rearview mirror reveals my son, still sound asleep in his car seat, and my heart wobbles as he mumbles something incoherent in his slumber.
My gaze rakes over him, takes in his mess of dark hair, sun-kissed skin and plump rosy lips. Honest to God, with each passing day he looks more and more like his father. But thinking of my late husband Ethan has my heart punching into my throat, forcing me to once again fight back the tears at his senseless, tragic death.
I turn my attention back to the house rising up before me. I haven’t been back to Seattle since the car accident that killed Ethan, as well as Sara’s unborn baby—Sara was engaged to Ethan’s brother Jamie, and was to become my sister in law. The four of us were close, but after the funeral, Sara left Jamie, and I needed time away.
With hardly any belongings, I hopped into my vehicle and took three-year-old Chase to my Mom’s house in Spokane to grieve in my childhood home. But it’s been a little more than a year and it’s time I got back into the work force, and start walking amongst the living again. Chase is four years old now and he needs stability, pre-school, and most importantly, a strong male influence in his life. That’s where my late husband’s brother Jamie comes in. At least that’s what I’m hoping for. He sort of fell off the grid after hockey season ended a few months ago and has stopped answering my calls or returning my texts. Jamie and I were always close, the best of friends. He was there for me when Ethan traveled, so his silence, his disappearance from my life, has left a gaping hole—in so many ways.
I kill the ignition, and Chase stirs in his seat. “Mommy,” he whines, and I unbuckle myself.
“We’re here,” I say quietly, but have no idea if he remembers the house we once lived in, the place where he was conceived, and where we made memories for three special years.
He rubs his tired eyes with his knuckles. “I’m thirsty.”
“I’ll get you a drink as soon as we get inside.”
I exit the car, and the warm night air falls over me as I open his door. When we left here a year ago, we fled with only our luggage. I’d left everything behind, the house and contents, unable to deal with the reality of the situation. I unbuckle Chase and, dinky car in hand, he jumps from his car seat onto the concrete driveway. The lights in his sneakers flash as he lands with a thud on two feet.
Since it’s way past his bedtime, I say, “After your drink, I’ll tuck you into your race car bed and you can go back to sleep.” I pause for a moment, gauge his face for recognition, and my heart stalls when I see it.
His big brown eyes go wide when he lifts his chin to sees the house. He blinks once, then twice, like he’s trying to gather his bearings. “Is Daddy here?” he asks, and I unsuccessfully try to choke down the garbled sounds rising up in my throat. A street light flickers overhead as I drop to my knees, and put my hands on his shoulders.
“Daddy is in heaven, remember, Chase?”
He glances up into the dark night sky, a black canvas shimmering with a mosaic of stars. He points. “Up there.”
“That’s right. He’s watching us from up there.”
Keep it together, Fallon.
“I want Daddy here,” he pouts, and I fight the tears.
Things might not have been perfect between Ethan and me, but he was a good father when he was home, and Chase treasured their time together. Until…
Until the fearless, no holds barred NASCAR racer who could handle any vehicle ended up driving his own over a guardrail. Unbelievable really. There are still so many unanswered questions, and while I have my own theory on what happened that day, well…I can’t bring myself to seek the truth, or even vocalize my thoughts. Can’t bring myself to charge Ethan’s phone, and read his last texts, ones that could either confirm or disprove my suspicions. Either way, it won’t bring Ethan back. Won’t bring back the guy who was wild and reckless, and at times thought he was invincible.
He wasn’t.
“Let’s go inside and get you a drink,” I say, in my best cheerful voice.
I scoop him up, and since I have no groceries, grab the cooler bag from the back seat and head to the front door. Memories bombard me and my chest constricts as I insert my key and open the door to our house, now quiet, dark…lifeless. A stale scent drifts by my nose, and I almost can’t breathe as I glance at the sofa, lit by the streetlight slanting in through the big bay window, and find Ethan’s favorite spot empty. But for Chase’s sake, I need to keep myself together. Tonight, when he’s sound asleep, I’ll snuggle up with a bottle of wine, and weep quietly for a young man taken from this earth far too early, and for a little boy who will grow up without a father. I really hope Jamie comes through for him, because I have no plans or desire to date—now or ever. Marriage isn’t in my future and right now, my son needs all my focus. Besides that, I’m in no state, mental or physical, to put myself out there again. I haven’t even lost the baby weight. If I had, maybe Ethan wouldn’t have…
I cut off those thoughts, unable to go down that road as I hold Chase against me, and shut and lock the front door. Sliding my hand along the wall, I find the switch and we both blink when the bright white light floods the entryway. I take in my once cozy place, but I’ll never think of this house as home sweet home again.