My chest tears itself down the middle. I’m like the damn boss apocalypse, the worst boss on the planet. The worst man that Darby could ever meet. And she married me for the love of her family. But that’s not why she’s out here now. She came looking for me because she woke up alone and was scared and worried. About me.
Breathing is suddenly quite impossible.
“Leon, you’re scaring me. You’re not saying anything, and now you’re out of breath. Your eyes are…they’re kind of wild.”
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. How does one tell another person that this is everything they have ever wanted and needed but could never bring themselves to dare to want or think about or hope for? How do they say that they’re scared to death?
She says it for me.
Darby wraps her arms around my neck, twining them there so she can slide her hand down to my back. She smooths it over my tense muscles and rubs small circles as if she could see down to the knots beneath the surface and untangle them with just that gentle touch. I rest my face at the juncture of her neck and chin and inhale deeply. It’s like the first real breath I feel I’ve ever taken in my life. It’s tinged with vanilla and flowers and the fresh morning air, the lake, and me. I can smell myself on her because she was so close to me during the night, her body wrapped around mine. I don’t know if that very masculine, potent smell is a good thing.
“I smell.” I pull back, and the words are there. The ability to talk is back. “I probably smell horrible.”
Her hand keeps making those calming, agonizingly wonderful circles on my back. “You don’t.” She smooths her other hand over my hair and leans in, breathing against my cheek. “I smell the lake. I love that scent. I can smell mint and the saltiness of you.”
“I used your toothbrush. I’m sorry. I woke up, and I couldn’t…I was…I didn’t want to wake you up by digging around for my bag. I was pretty disoriented.”
“That’s okay. Don’t be sorry.”
“I’ll buy you a new one.”
“Hey, that doesn’t matter. Leon, can you look at me? I don’t care about that. I just care about you.” When I do, even though it’s hard, she smiles back at me. “Kitty is safe. She’s sleeping in my brother’s room. I looked in on her.”
“I’m glad she stayed the night. I looked in on her too on my way out here.”
“You were gone, and I was frantic. I was so worried, and then I went outside and saw you down here.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. I’m not frantic now. I found you.”
Just the way she says it makes my body scream in fresh agony. “I just wanted some fresh air. I was going to sit on the porch, but the water looked nice. It felt nice.”
I try to stand up, to take her with me and tuck her against my chest and newly beating heart because I want to keep her there forever. But I should know it’s not possible. That the trembling in my hands isn’t just my hands. It’s my whole body. I’m shaking all over, which always happens after the pain leaves. It’s like my muscles loosen themselves all at once, and I turn into a blob of jelly.
The rocks rise up, and the ground comes rushing at me, but I know the beach is close. I twist hard so that Darby lands on top when we hit the sand. Shereallylands on top, squishing all the air out of me as one of her elbows and both her knees land on my chest.
“Oomph.”
“Leon!” She scrambles up, kneeing me again, but I don’t move. She kneels over me, her legs at either side of my waist. She takes my face in her hands. “Oh my god, are you okay?”
I should tell her yes, get my ass off the ground and into the shower, and apologize to her profusely for scaring her last night. I should also check in on my sister and thank her for coming so that Darby wasn’t alone because I wasn’t capable of talking to her.
But I’m shaking. I’m shaking, and I can’t move. All I can do is grin up at her like a total fool. My cheeks feel tight. I inhale sharply, filling my lungs with the scent of the lake. It’s not a particularly good scent. It’s earthy and strange, and it smells a little bit like rotting weeds and lake muck, but I like it anyway. I like it so much.
I laugh. The sound is sharp and raw, but it feels so, so good. It’s been trapped inside me for a long time. Seriously, when was the last time I laughed?
Darby keeps my face in her hands, and she inhales too. We breathe together, saying nothing. My body feels like a wreck, but for the first time since I was a kid…no, longer than that, maybe the first time ever, there’s something that’s not ruined in me. There’s an ember of something that burns, but it’s a restorative fire. The kind that opens up new seeds and makes new life possible. Do people call that baptism by flames? I don’t know, but whatever it is, it feels like a treasure.
“Darby.” I like her name. I like the way it sounds when I say it now. Like it’s a new word. I like how she blinks down at me, and her eyes soften when I say it.
She cups my face, and she leans forward and down, then she kisses me. Her lips are so, so soft. She’s patient. She kisses me gently and slowly like as if she might hurt me. But I’m not patient. I’m not gentle.
I reach up and tangle my hands in her hair, tugging her into me. My body responds with a wild, frantic need that feels like pain but isn’t. I’m stunned by it, embarrassed by it too. But Darby isn’t. She’s not afraid of me or embarrassed by me. When my hips curl up before I can stop them, she arches into me and whimpers low in her throat. She finally breaks the kiss, her breathing hard and all over the place. I love the way her shoulders rise and fall, how her eyes are huge, and her cheeks are stained pink. The wind pulls at her hair, teasing the strands until they whip around her face and kiss-swollen lips.
“We should go in. We absolutely can’t take the chance that your sister wakes up and finds us out here making out on the beach.”
“She’d be happy.” God, she’d be so happy. Kitty has been so, so worried about me. For years.