That doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me furious.
It does.
It makes me so fucking furious that I don’t have to find the strength to go on. It’s already there, in my anger, in my pain, as I ask, “Why?”
His fists on his sides vibrate. His chest vibrates.
His whole body shakes as he growls, “Because you don’t understand what we’re doing here. Because I told you that the minute you make this into something more, something it’s not, I’d leave.”
I can’t believe he just said that to me.
After everything that I told him, he has the audacity to make it about something as silly and petty as sex.
And not only that, he takes a step back from me.
Which I close in the next second.
In fact, I close all the distance and bridge all the gaps and stand toe to toe with him. “No,youdon’t understand what we’re doing here.”
His jaw clenches so hard that my own teeth ache. “Get the fuck away from me.”
“No.” I shake my head, fuming. “Not until I make you understand. Not until I get it through your thick Neanderthal skull that itissomething more. That this is not just sex. You love me too.”
“What the fuck?”
He looks so horrified right now.
So offended and alarmed.
Disgusted.
That it only fuels my fury even more. “Remember two weeks ago, that funeral we both went to? You lost your shit when you saw my ex-boyfriend take me to a locked room. And then you pinned me to the bathroom door and fucked me like you wouldn’t stop. And before that, do you remember how you tried to blackmail me into giving you my virginity? How you read my diary because you wanted to feel close to me. Not to mention, do you remember last week, Reign? When I wouldn’t stop talking about NYU and you got so upset.”
He did.
All because he saw a purple and white brochure on my desk when he came over: an NYU brochure.
When he picked it up and started to leaf through it, I went on a tangent talking about how excited I was, how I was so looking forward to going and how I’d just gotten information about my dorm room and accommodations and my course list and whatnot.
Yes, I admit that I might have overdone it a little bit.
Just to get a reaction out of him.
Because he hasn’t said it yet, but I know that me going to NYU is sort of like his self-imposed deadline. That is when he’s planning to let me go and be with my ex-boyfriend.
And when I kept talking and talking about it, he got all agitated and upset. He fucked me before we went on our ride. He fucked me, right by the lake. Then he ate me out right after that. And then he brought me back and fucked me two more times.
Through all of that, he had his mouth fused to mine.
He had his mouth eating me and kissing me and stealing all my breaths.
He wouldn’t let me go. He wouldn’t give me a break.
“All that, that wasn’t just sex. That was you being jealous. That was you being crazy, irrationally possessive. That was you not dealing with me leaving for college soon. Because when I leave for college, I leave you as well, don’t I? That’s when you think I go back to him. That’s when you think I start my happily ever after. With the right guy. With the guy I’msupposedto choose. But you don’t want me to. Because you want me for yourself. You want me to live my happily ever after withyou. You call yourself sick because you want me too much, don’t you? Because you’re obsessed with me. You want to protect me from everything. You want to kiss my tears away. You want to take me on bike rides, help me climb down my window. You want to listen to my ramblings about my books; you want to watch movies you hate; you want tofix thingsfor me, make me smile, send me to NYU on your dime and make my dreams come true.Don’t you?But most of all, you want me to choose a guy you think is better than you. The guy you think would give me all the things that I want. It’s because you love me. This is love. You’re lovesick, and I wish…”
Just like that, all my anger drains away.
I become exhausted and heartsore.