So I finally tell him why I came here.
“I can’t,” I say, shaking my head. “Not yet.”
“Why the fuck not?”
“Because you were right.”
“What?”
“I do have a thing for you.”
I thought that if I finally confessed that I have a crush on him, I would be struck down by lightning. Or at least the ground would open up and I’d fall into it.
Both very dramatic things but given the situation, quite ordinary.
Especially when I take into account that I’ve had this crush for six years now. As long as him.
That’s what he told me, didn’t he?
That he’s had a thing for me since that first night.
Well, me too.
Only I’d blocked it out. I’d shoved it down so, so deep that I almost forgot about it.
But my heart didn’t, did it?
That’s why I kissed him.
That’s why I made that first move.
“I’ve been thinking about it,” I tell him. “Ever since the night of your fight. Ever since you told me about your… crush. It was like you flipped a switch or something and now I can’t stop remembering. It’s crazy, I know. It’s crazy that I didn’t remember something soimportant. But I guess I was just… so hurt. So deeply hurt, every time you’d be an asshole to me. Every time you’d do something mean, it’d sting so bad that I just pushed it deep, deep down inside of me.”
While only moments ago he was all raw nerves and jagged emotions, he’s completely still now.
Completely frozen.
As if my words have cast a spell on him.
“I forgot how crazy I was about you,” I say, studying his beautiful face, his tall body and doing it without guilt for once. “I’d think about you constantly. After that first night, I mean. After how you lit up the whole sky, turning night into day. I thought that was the best birthday ever, meeting you in the woods. And stupid, dramatic girl that I was, I looked for you on my next birthday too. I’d found out that you were back and I went looking for you. But instead… I found the love of my life.”
I take a pause here, gather my breaths, my thoughts, my fucking heart.
Because it’s the truth.
It hurt me to think about the past and so every time I’d remember something, I’d push it down.
I tell myself to not go there.
I tell myself to look forward. To focus on the present.
To notremember.
And over time I got good at it, I guess. In forgetting.
“And you’d think that falling in love with your best friend would make my crush on you go away. Starting a relationship with him would stop it. But it didn’t. I may have pushed it deep down inside of me and forgotten about it, but my heart didn’t. My soul remembered. So yeah, kissing you wasn’t a mistake. Well, not in the way that I’ve been assuming. It was my secret forbidden wish. But…” I sigh long and hard. “That doesn’t change the fact that I still love Lucas.”
Who is a better choice.