I bite my lip. “Because of everything that happened.”
“Yeah. I…” His voice drifts off and I dig my fingers in my waist, waiting for him to speak. Then, “You hurt me, Echo. What happened hurt me. And I’ve been angry at you ever since. I’m not sure what I’m angrier about though, the fact that you ran away when I gave you that ring or that only hours later I found you kissing my best friend.”
I flinch.
“For the longest time,” he continues, “I thought that those two were connected. That you said no because you were going behind my back. That all the hatred you felt for him, all the ways you told me he made you sick was a lie. You were screwing around with him and —”
“Lucas, no,” I cut him off. “My running away, saying no to you, hadnothingto do with him. It was me. It was my weird hang-up. I would never,not ever, go behind your back. Not with your best friend. Not with anyone. And I’m so sorry that you felt that way. That Imadeyou feel that way. It was never my intention. If I could go back and undo all the damage that I’ve done, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’d… I’d take back everything that I did. And Lucas, I… Everything that you said last night… It was true. I was a bad girlfriend. I made you wait. I made you… And then I said no when you proposed to me…”
And it still remains something that I haven’t been able to figure out or fix.
I still feel trapped at the thought of saying yes.
And sometimes when I think about getting back together with him and him popping the question again, I freeze. I start to panic.
Not going to lie, I also start to panic when I think about having sex with him. Like he so clearly wanted yesterday.
How strange is that. How unfair to Lucas.
And that’s on me.
That’smyproblem.
I look up at the dark ceiling and let out a breath. And with that, all my thoughts. “These past two years, they’ve been difficult. For me definitely. But also for you. I… I know that you’vechanged. I-I mean, I saw with my own eyes. All the partying and the girls. But I also know about… your classes, your grades. About soccer. You loved soccer, Lucas. Youlovesoccer. Soccer is your life. You have so many plans. So many things that you want to do, that you always wanted to do when you got out of Bardstown. And you’ve worked so hard for it. Harder than most people. I can’t… You can’t throw that away. You can’t throw something away that you’ve worked your entire life for. Because of what I did.”
God, please let him listen.
This is important.
This is more important than anything else right now. He cannot ruin his life because of me. The guilt would eat me alive.
“So you’ve been talking to him,” he says.
And I tense.
We haven’t talked about him, have we?
We haven’t touched on the topic of his ex-best friend. Not properly at least.
And definitely not about all the things that have changed now, between him and me.
All the new developments and discoveries that I’ve made.
“Is he your friend now?” Lucas asks then.
“Yes,” I whisper.
And it’s so strange that he is. That the guy who used to make me hatesick is someone I’ve come to rely upon.
But what’s even stranger is that it feels like a lie. Calling him a friend.
He feels like so much more to me than just a friend.
Only I don’t know what else I could call him, and if I knew that, I’d tell Lucas.
“Yeah?” Lucas’s tone is hard. “Because from what I remember, you hated him. You couldn’t stand the sight of him. You fucking vandalized his bedroom. Not that he didn’t deserve it, but now you’re telling me you’re friends with him. The guy youkissedby mistake.”
“I know what it sounds like,” I tell him. “But it’s not like that. The only reason we ever started talking was because we care about you.Hecares about you. He regrets what happened. Like I did. He made a mistake like me and he’s just trying to fix things. Me too and —”