I can. I want to say. I see crystal fucking clear now.
Sergei is dead.
He will not be breathing when she can’t. I will crush him, painfully. Without mercy, and I will love every second.
I could go now. End him. Even if that took me out. At least I’d be able to give back her life, her freedom, and her right to breathe easy.
But Amari flashes in my mind, my brothers, and the pain I would leave behind.
No.
Sergei is a dead man.
But Lilly deserves everything. She said it, she knows I can give her happy. She knows just as well as me, what we have is unlike anything either of us have ever experienced. That’s why it hurts her, even if that’s not what I want. But that pain will be short, and in the meantime, I will do everything to make her smile and ease some of it.
And the dark times, I’ll take that too.
Just like this morning.
Until he takes his last breath.
But I can’t tell her this.
Instead, I just keep watching her, this time really understanding the pain he’s caused.
“Now you’re looking at me like that.” She shakes her head, annoyed.
“Like what?”
“Like that!” She waves at me. “Like you feel sorry for me. Pity me. I hate it.”
“Lilly…” I drop the edge from my voice, and she frowns more at my tone.
“What do you want me to do?” I stand taller, trying to change the look of my face, which isn’t pity but admiration at her strength.
“I want you to let me go.”
My eyes close, the words hitting me like a slap in the face. That’s not what I meant. Not at all. And I know she’s not going to like my answer.
I open them and look her dead in the eye. “I’m not letting you go.”
Never.
Her shoulders drop and she lets out a heavy sigh, but doesn’t yell or fight back.
“I didn’t think so,” she says. “But please don’t treat me differently. Don’t pity me. Don’t handle me with gloves. What happened doesn’t define me.”
There’s nothing to say, she wants that. I’ll give it. Anything.
I nod.
“And…” She points up her index finger. “I will leave. No matter what. And I won’t look back.”
Again, I nod. “Understood.”
It won’t happen, but if somehow she manages it, I know she means exactly what she says.
“Good. Now, in the meantime, it would be helpful if you were a dick.” A small smile plays on her mouth and she bites her inner lip, waiting to see what I do.