Why did I think he would be any different? He has no idea the evil he’s sending me back to. Or maybe he does, and he just doesn’t care.
“I’m not going back.” I cross my arms.
“Yes, you are.” The corner of his eye twitches and his jaw is so tight he might crack his teeth.
“No! No, I’m not. NO!” I stomp my foot, like that will work.
“If I don’t close this deal, it makes us look weak.”
I laugh, a crazed laugh. “Oh no, couldn’t have that. What was I thinking?” I smack my head. “You’re right, it’s fine. As long as Ren has his pride, all is good in the world. I’m sure that will comfort me when I’m lying on the cold floor in a pool of blood.”
I feel unhinged, but I can’t stop. Tears prickle the corners of my eyes. Panic, fear, and desperation grip my throat and take over my mind. All the feelings and fear that I’ve managed to keep bottled up for so long come rushing to the surface and words begin to pour out of me in a crazed ramble.
“Do you want me to tell you a story about the day I gave a hug to the doorman for his birthday?” I start to pace, and I don’t wait for him to answer.
“My dad had just shipped me off, and I didn’t realise I was living with the devil yet. Ryan, our doorman, was funny and sweet, and young, only eighteen. He was working the job while he finished high school. I’d only known him a couple of weeks, but I like to talk and Sergei, he seemed like he didn’t care.”
What a lie. I knew the devil wears a mask, I just never thought I would walk willingly into his lair. The words spill out on autopilot, telling the story of the night I discovered who Sergei really was.
“Anyway, Ryan just found out he’d made it into his Uni course. He was so excited and on top of that it was his eighteenth birthday. Silly me, I gave him a hug.” My hands fly up, over dramatic and in full story telling mode. “So dumb, right?”
He remains motionless, his gaze never breaking from mine, not uttering a single word. I take that as my cue to continue with my nervous breakdown.
“Well, what do you know? Dear old fiancé came home. Still being, what did you call it? A bit slow on the uptake, I didn’t realise my grave mistake. But I was so wrong, and Ryan… his face… there was blood everywhere. Over and over, he hit him. His eyes couldn’t open, and he was crying, begging for it to stop. I tried to help him, to stop him, but … I don’t remember what happened after that, or whatever happened to Ryan. And when I woke, I learnt the true meaning of punishment, and was it three or four days that it took me to recover enough that I was able to get out of bed? No, no, it was three.”
By this point, my heart feels like it’s going to burst through my chest, and I can’t draw a full breath. I fan myself and gasp. It doesn’t help. I try again to take in the air I so desperately need, but my body’s not having it. Not one single lungful of air.
Fuck, it’s happening again.
“I can’t breathe.” Bending at the knees, I try and take in deeper breaths.
But it’s not working, and my eyes water as I gasp for air.
“I can’t breathe.” This is it; this is how I die. A panic attack on the side of a fucking road.
A soft, gentle, warm hand touches my back, and starts to rub slow soothing circles along my spine.
“Breathe, baby.” Ren’s voice is as gentle as his touch. “In and out.”
I answer with another gasp.
He takes long deep breaths, showing me what he wants me to do. I try to match his rhythm, but panic grips my throat, choking me. My vision blurs as he begins to fade in and out.
He moves me back towards a large rock and sets me down to sit, crouching down until we are eye level.
“Hey, look at me.” With a single finger, he tilts my chin until our eyes meet. “Breathe in… ” He takes a long deep breath, holding it. “Now breathe out.” Then lets it out slowly.
“I… I can’t." My eyes well up again, threatening to spill over. “I can’t.”
“You can.” He takes my hands in his, his thumb tracing small circles in time of his breathing. “Focus on my voice. Don’t think of anything else, just breathe with me. In and out. In and out.”
His confidence makes me nod and focus on his beautiful, dark eyes. I inhale, then exhale. It’s not pretty, but I can do this. I try again, and again, every time taking in a little more oxygen than the last.
“That’s it baby.“ His voice is so soft, like an angel bringing me home and I feel the tight grip around my heart loosen. “Good girl.”
Finally, my breathing settles, the oxygen flows freely through my body, and I’m alive again… for now.
Ren sighs deeply and stares into my eyes like he’s staring straight into my soul, and in a way he is. I’ve never been this vulnerable in front of anyone before, this weak, this broken.