He leaned without even waiting for me to say it was what I wanted and scooped me into a hug, pulling me onto his lap. The embrace I’d imagined when I’d first seen him came to life, and I clutched the back of his shirt and buried my nose in his neck. He did the same, and we clung to one another like two people drowning. God, he felt so good. His warmth, his scent, the pressure of his arms around my body, his hot breath against my skin. Everything about him was right—like I’d finally come home—and it made me want to cry.
My heart ached, but how could I forgive him? Could I ever forgive him?
“A baby,” he said. “We’re having a baby.”
I forced myself to lean away from him so I could look into his eyes. “Are we? How can we possibly make this work, Jay? I’m not sure I’ll ever get over what happened.”
He set his jaw. “That baby is ours. I won’t listen to a second of you trying to convince yourself that you shouldn’t have it. We both know that isn’t what you want. I know you, Ivy. You want a family. You wantusto be a family.”
Tears filled my eyes, and I swallowed hard against the painful lump in my throat. “How can we be? You don’t understand how hard this is for me.”
“No, maybe I don’t, not fully, and I don’t expect you to ever forgive me for what I did. But that doesn’t make me incapable of taking care of you.” He placed his palm over mine and my stomach. “And taking care of whatever little person you’re growing inside you.”
I closed my eyes briefly, allowing myself to picture a world where this was normal and natural. I wanted it so badly, but could I ever bring myself to forgive him, or if not forgive him, somehow allow myself to leave what had happened in the past?
Emotions battled silently inside me.
I emptied my lungs of air. “The Cornells are pushing my family out of the city, and that’s fine by me. I don’t care. My father and brother blame me for getting involved with you. They think if I hadn’t then Bruno would still be alive, and maybe they’re right.”
He shook his head. “It’s not your fault.”
“I’m not so sure about that. I chose to get involved with you, even though, deep down, I always knew it would result in something like this happening.”
“You couldn’t predict the future.”
“But I did.” I sighed again. “I want a normal life, Jay. I want this baby to have a normal life. I don’t want him or her to grow up wondering if someone they fall in love with is going to end up shot one day, or if they’re going to lose one of us or a sibling to violence.”
“What are you saying?”
“Before this happened, we’d already planned on leaving. Maybe we should stick to that plan?”
His eyes widened a fraction. “You want to leave?”
“I want to get far away from here, away from London. I don’t even care where—maybe Cornwall or even Scotland. Somewhere with fields and wildlife, and in a village where everyone knows everyone else and says good morning to each other. I want our son or daughter to go to a tiny school and get invited to their friends’ houses for tea.”
He squeezed my hands.
“Baby, I would follow you to the ends of the earth if it meant we were together again. I’m nothing without you. My life is nothing.”
I blinked back tears. “Really?”
“Of course. And what about us? What would we do?”
“Whatever we wanted. Neither of us need any more money than we already have. If we get bored, we could look at starting up a little business—a legitimate business.”
“Or we could have another baby?” he suggested.
I couldn’t help the smile tweaking my cheeks. “Or that.”
He grew serious, his teeth digging into his lower lip. “Are you ever going to get to a point where you can look at me and not see the person who killed your brother?”
I pressed my lips together and glanced down, trying to figure out how to put my mixed thoughts and emotions into words.
“Honestly,” I started, “I’m not sure, but I’m willing to work on it. What happened wasn’t completely your fault. You didn’t go out that day planning to kill Bruno. I know that. What we have together is too important to throw away. We’re going to be a family.”
“What about your father and brother?”
“They’re losing their grip on North London, and they know it. Tam Cornell and the business you’ve put in place is too powerful for them. They’re going to be left scrabbling over a few pickings, and that’s not what they want either. The time is up for the Gilligans in London.”