PROLOGUE
Balthazar-seventeen years old
They say that when winter comes, the heart is at its strongest; strong enough to break out of the rib cage and find its match. It must be true because right now my heart is beating so fast, I think it’s trying to kill me. I can’t tell if it’s just that excited or if it’s a warning. It’s acting like an animal that’s about to be slaughtered, pulsating with fear as if it’s wary of being broken.
My heart must be a fool because my girl would never break my heart. She has been mine from the moment she was born. I was there when her mother brought her home from the hospital, I was there by her crib, looking down at her and I wailed from happiness when she smiled at me.
Everyone laughed and told me that newborns don’t smile but I could’ve sworn...could’ve sworn my Tsarina smiled just for me. We were inseparable ever since. I shared all my sweets with her and bought her the nicest gifts I could for the little money I had. I hated every boy that was mean to her and if she ever looked at a boy with interest, I hated him too and with even more fury.
Deep down I’ve always known that Tsarina and I are meant to be. Her serene beauty never ceases to inspire me and her kind nature makes me feel like winter never truly comes to this place. It’s always summer with her-sticky mid-July heat when the bees buzz and there’s happiness in the air-that’s what it feels like being with Tsarina.
Other boys tease the hell out of me about this. They say I act like a simp but Tsarina likes how sensitive I am and whenever I get emotional, she takes my hand, looks me deep in the eyes and says she wouldn’t have me any other way.
She doesn’t care that I’m not a good fighter, or that I’m not strong enough to keep my tears to myself. She doesn’t care that I don’t go the club and screw some girl to add to my body count like the other boys my age to.
I don’t like being apart from Tsarina, wanting the two of us to be together at all times. My biggest fear is that she won’t always be by my side and sometimes the thought makes me hyperventilate and my father must come into my room, and hand me a brown paper bag to get me to settle down.
He always tells me to man up but I can’t help it. It’s just what she does to me.
Pacing back and forth by the spruces, I throw a glance at my watch. She should be here by now but Tsarina’s always late. Usually it annoys me and sometimes I scold her for it but her mother passed away only a couple of weeks ago and I have to be very gentle with her.
It’s not easy for a young girl to lose her mother. I know because Tsarina’s has been crying on my shoulder every single day since. It tears me up seeing her like that and yet it doesn’t stop me from fantasizing about clasping her chin, lifting her face to mine and giving her lips a kiss.
I worry about how she’d react if I kissed her, worry about her pushing me away and wiping off her lips. Inwardly I wince at the thought. I don’t know what I’d do if she ever rejected me in any way. Crumble probably. Turn into a monster.
It scares me just thinking about it and I pick up the box, I keep in my pocket. It’s a ring I’ve saved up for ages. I want to propose to Tsarina, though we will wait with marriage until she is eighteen (she’s merely fourteen now) but I need the ring to secure her. With the ring on her finger, other boys will know she’s taken.
And what better place to propose to her than in the pasture where we used to play as children so many times?
I put the box back into my pocket right when I hear running footsteps. My pulse begins racing and I can barely breathe, almost faint at the sight of her. Her silvery hair’s so long it reaches the back of her knees, her eyes enormous in her heart shaped face and her small frame’s drowning in her hand me down pelts.
“Beastie!” she shouts, waving around with her mitten clad fingers and my heart nearly bursts from tenderness when she rams into me so hard, we fall down into the snow. Looking down at me, she breaks into laughter before throwing a couple of playful punches and I avert them with my hands. “Punier than pussy willow,” she sniggers and the back of my ears redden because I know I’m small and scrawny for my age.
Getting up, she pulls me to my feet and there’s something different about her. She’sexcited. She can barely stay in one spot, jumping around in place like a little rabbit and it makes me nervous. Throwing me an important look, she says,
“I can’t stay with you for long but I wanted to see you one last time before I leave.”
I burst into laughter. “Leave where?” She’s being silly. There’s nowhere she can go. She’s been living with her nice neighbor since her mother died because she doesn’t have any relatives here. Clasping her shoulders I say, “There’s something I want to give you.”
Tsarina shrugs me off. “I’m leaving. To America.” Her eyes shine as if she’s already a thousand miles away. “My daddy has called, he found out about mother’s death and wants me to come live with him.” She jumps up and down again while I freeze.
America. The word echoes in my ears and to me it sounds like the most cursed word in the world.
“But...,” I whisper as I struggle to control my overwhelming emotions. “He doesn’t want you. Your father rejected you.”
Tsarina turns white in the face. “No, he didn’t!” She stomps her foot in anger. “Take that back right now, or I’ll hate you for all eternity!”
Terrified of her hatred, I struggle to gather enough air. Cowering, I gasp, “I take it back.” I apologetically raise my hands. “I take it back.”
It calms her down and she shoots me a guilty smile before putting her chin on my shoulder. “We’ll call and write to each other all the time.” Her arms go around my neck but it doesn’t warm me like it usually does. “You can come visit. We’ll do all the fun stuff, we’ll visit theme parks and spy on movie stars and....”
The more she speaks, the colder I grow and my voice is nothing but a whisper when I say, “You belong here. With me.”
She sighs as if I’m not getting it. “My daddy says it’s for my own good. And he doesn’t want me staying here. He thinks it sounds dangerous now that the guerilla is getting worse and worse.”
The guerilla has been harassing our small town for years and her father never cared then. I hate him already and the hate is so strong, I almost implode. Trembling, I turn to Tsarina’s happy face. “Stay.”
“Beastie, I can’t,” she muses and a tear slides down my face. “New adventures await me. But we’ll keep in touch.” She throws me a curious glance and sticks her hand out. “Now give me that little gift you’ve been saving for me. I’ll bring it with me and look at it whenever I want to think of you.”