"It's been with you. The happiest I've ever been is the time that I was with you." It occurred to me. I hadn't said the most important thing. "Reyna, I love you."
Her eyes widened and her breath hitched. "Maybe you won't believe me, considering the way I behaved. I doubt you feel the same way about me anymore. But I have to tell you that I love you. If I could make all the things I’ve done go away, I'd ask to have a life with you and our babies. I don't know how we would live because I don't currently have a job. But I have a really good severance package, and I’m smart with money. So we could do whatever we wanted. We could tour the world while looking for your passion." I could practically taste the life we could have together if she’d forgive me.
I dropped my head again because I knew all of that was impossible. "I know that I killed whatever feelings you had for me, so I'm going to have to settle for life without you, but close enough that we can raise the babies together." I sucked in a breath because I was finding it hard to breathe. "I'm going to do everything I can to be a good father."
I'd run out of words in the kitchen filled with silence. Why wasn't she saying anything? I looked up to her, and I saw tears running down her face. What did that mean?
I picked myself up off the floor and went in hunt of tissues, bringing one back to her.
"I'm sorry if I've hurt you more with all this. You have all of me, Reyna. My heart and soul. And I will willingly accept whatever it is you can give me, even if it's just a short conversation when the kids come to visit me."
Her hand trembled as it reached up and pressed over my lips. With her other hand, she wiped her eyes with the tissue. "You have to stop talking now."
Shit. Did I fuck this all up?
She let out a shuddering breath. "I'm happy that you want to be a father. And I believe you're going to be a good one."
What about the rest? I wanted to ask her. What about the fact that I love you? That everything I am is now wrapped up in you?
But she told me not to talk, so I kept my mouth shut.
"I want all those things, James. I still love you."
My heart started to dance, but there was something in her tone that had me tamping it down.
"But I don't know how we get past everything."
I took her hand away from my lips, holding it over my chest. "You mean, how to get past the type of man I am?"
She shrugged.
Fuck. This felt like an opening, but I didn't know how to get through. "What do you need for me to prove to you that I won't hurt you again?" Could I even make that promise?
"That's just it, James. You can't."
No, no, no, no, no. There had to be something. Desperation bubbled up. I was ready to get on my knees again and bag.
"Real love requires faith. Faith is something you have not because of proof. It’s something deeper. It's like trust. It's built over time."
I nodded in understanding, and at the same time, I wondered how I could give her something, anything, that would give me the opportunity to build trust and faith with her.
"I trust and have faith in you," I said. "I have no doubts." That was true. I knew now that my only chance at happiness rested with her.
She arched a brow, suggesting she didn't believe me.
I reached out, pressing my palm to her cheek. "My lack of trust and faith wasn’t in you, Reyna. It's always been in me. All my life, I have felt untethered, like I was one moment away from being blown away into the ether. So I've lived my life, trying to keep it together. To keep anything out that could turn me into nothing. What I failed to see during our time together was that you grounded me. You gave me strength and courage. But I didn’t see it, and so the pregnancy and the return of your ex tapped into that fucked up part of me. But now I get it. I really, really get it. And whatever I have to do, even if it's starting from the beginning and asking you on a date, that's what I'm going to do. And maybe it's going to take a long time. Maybe we’ll be at the twins’ graduation, and I’ll still be trying to prove to you that I can be the man you love. That I can be a man that you can have faith in." I closed my eyes, sending up a silent prayer before I looked at her again. "Just tell me what it is I need to do. Whether it's now or twenty years from now, I will do it. I love you, Reyna. You are it for me. Whether you decide I'm not worth the risk or not, I will love you forever."
CHAPTERTWENTY-SIX
Reyna
James was making it ridiculously hard to protect my heart. After all he’d done to batter and bruise it, he was saying all the words that little by little were filling the holes and healing the wounds. But I was so scared to believe his words. All I could think of were the times that I thought things were going well, but he'd then turned around and hurt me. I didn’t want to set myself up for that again.
The only thing that kept me from walking away now was recognizing that in all the time we'd been together, he'd never shared anything about how he felt. Not about his childhood and how detached he'd felt in life. He’d never said anything about how he felt about me. I recognized that opening up and sharing his feelings was not something that would've been easy for him to do. But he was doing it. He was doing it because I was important. But would it last?
My mind replayed the words I had said to him about faith and trust. He was standing here in front of me baring his heart, telling me he had faith and trust in me, and asking if I wanted a life with him and our babies. I did. I wanted that more than anything. But to have it, I'd have to surrender to the love I felt. I’d have to let the wall around my heart come down and go into it with faith and trust.
I looked into his eyes, as I had been since I arrived, and I saw sincerity. I saw the truth in all the words that he was saying.