You are a fucking asshole, using a kid to further your business. I guess the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. I wasn’t a great man, but I didn’t think I was as bad as my father. Now I wasn’t so sure. I was a selfish asshole.
But while I wanted my freedom and the ability to pursue a singular goal in the company, I also knew that I would only bring misery to Reyna and our child if I tried to give them more. In the long run, there was only one person in my life that I loved, that I would die for, and that was Amelia. And even with her, I had let her down and hurt her so often. I still carried the guilt that I hadn’t realized my father’s plans for her and had failed to protect her from him. She told me many times to let that guilt go, especially since everything had turned out alright. She was happily married with a baby. But I think she and Max would have achieved that even without my father's interference. And while my father was in jail, that didn't mean he still didn't have influence. He could still hurt me by getting at somebody who was close to me. I felt pretty sure he was the one who told George about Reyna’s past or had asked George to investigate her past to reveal her fiancé.
It occurred to me that it made me even more of an asshole that I continued with this marriage knowing that my father and George could do something to hurt her. And now that she was pregnant, they could possibly hurt the baby.
I stopped in the middle of a succulent-lined path and pressed the palms of my hands against my head, squeezing as if that would get rid of the torment. But there was no escaping it. This I knew for sure. I'd been living it my whole life. The last two months had been so great that I'd let my guard down. But now I’d learned my lesson. Now I needed to get my shit together.
I didn’t know how long I was gone, but when I returned, Reyna was sitting on the couch, still and stoic, with her bag packed next to her.
I sighed as I moved to stand in front of her. "You don't have to go."
She lifted her gaze to me, and I was relieved that I didn't see hope in her eyes. She wasn't wishing for me to change my mind and want to be the husband and father she deserved. But even as I felt relief, my chest tightened.
"I don't know how this agreement can continue, considering." Her voice was empty, void of emotion.
Panic replaced the relief. Was it because if she left, the board would know our marriage was all a sham? Or they’d find out she was pregnant and that she left me? Or was it something else? Was it that I wanted her to stay not for business but for me? Of course, I'd ruined any chance of her wanting to stay for me.
I stepped in front of the coffee table, sitting down on it, bringing us nearly knee to knee. I let out a sigh. "It should be no surprise to you that I'm a selfish asshole. I'm sorry about that. I know the situation we’re in is just as much my fault."
She flinched at my choice of words. It told me that she didn't see this baby as a situation, a mistake. It also reconfirmed the fact that I was an asshole.
I looked down because the only thing I could think of to see us through this was selfish and insensitive. I lifted my head to look at her again. "I'm going to do everything I can to make you and the baby happy and comfortable. It's partly my responsibility."
She stared at me, but I couldn't see anything in her eyes. It was like she was completely absent. "Responsibility."
I nodded even though I knew it just added more to my assholishness. "I'm not built for the kind of life you and the baby deserve. I'm not like Amelia and Max. Surely, you know that by now. I know what that makes me, but I'm not completely heartless. I want to give you and the baby anything and everything you need."
"Except a father."
I looked down. "He's better off without me."
She didn't say anything, which was surprisingly painful. It was almost as if I expected her to contradict me, to say I could be a good father. To say that the baby needed me. It was stupid, of course, because if she did say it, I would dismiss it.
"So, what are you proposing?" Her voice remained affectless. It was like she was dead inside.I did that. The guilt and self-loathing rose, even as the anger that we were in this situation still simmered.
"We just keep doing what we've been doing. I know that it'll be harder now. I know you're angry and hurt, and it's hard to pretend you love somebody who would do that to you. But—"
She sucked in a breath, letting it out slowly. There was a curt nod as she stood. "A deal is a deal. I'm tired. I'm going to rest."
I stood and watched as she walked to the second bedroom in the suite, the self-loathing building along with a feeling of helplessness. I didn’t want her to hurt.
"I guess you were right all along. This fake marriage was a bad idea."
She stopped but didn't turn to me. Even so, I could see her press her hand over her belly. "Don't say that."
Then she disappeared into the room. She shut the door, not just to the room, but to any hope of my having decency and humanity.
I hadto hand it to Reyna, she pulled it together. After her nap, we went to dinner with the business group and their spouses. She put on an Oscar-winning act of being a loving, devoted wife. Oh, sure, I could still see the dullness in her eyes, but I doubted anyone else there did.
We returned to Las Vegas having entered negotiations with the Arizona business. The trip was a success. And once home, for all intents and purposes, life returned to normal. I went to work each day, expanding the company's reach and doing what I could to thwart the attempts of the board to get rid of me. I felt like I’d bought myself time, but who knew? Considering all that was going on with me and Reyna, everything could blow up in my face.
At home, Reyna continued to work for me doing research, organizing ideas, and preparing reports. The only thing that was different was that the friendly and fun connection we had before was gone. And, of course, she was back in her own room.
I discovered I missed her being with me. Initially, I thought it was the sex that I missed. But after a few jerk off sessions in the shower, I realized it wasn’t the orgasms I was missing, it was the connection to Reyna. When she and I first met and concocted this plan, we often butted heads, but there had been a connection. And then for a while, the tension between us dissipated, and we were enjoying a friendship that included benefits. But now, there was nothing between us. There was no tension or conflict but also, no friendliness.
I should've been relieved and grateful that she'd been able to so effectively cut any attachment to me off. But relief and gratitude weren’t what I felt. I missed her smirk and her wise-ass comments designed to poke at me. I hated not seeing her smile when I did something good or kind. I hated that the only time I could touch her was when we were out pretending to be happily married. And even then, if I held her hand, it felt stiff and cold, not warm and inviting.
Now as we were nearing the end of March, I found it increasingly untenable. It was getting to the point where I didn't want to go home because I hated the way she looked at me. Like there was nothing.