It was weird but he was finding it hard to think of having sex with Aerin as anything but making love. His many previous encounters were only ever about sex. The physical release of temporary passion. Satisfying to a point but not in any other way than physically. But with Aerin, he found it difficult to keep his emotions separate. Knowing he was her first lover was part of it. He was woke enough not to view a woman’s virginity as a prize or trophy or even a gift on her part to bestow. But knowing he was her first, that she had chosen him, trusted him to make love to her, was an experience he knew he would not forget in a hurry.
‘There’s enough food here for a week or two at least,’ Aerin said, closing the pantry door.
‘Let’s hope we don’t have to be here that long.’ Drake knew he should have chosen his words more carefully by the crestfallen look that came over her features. He put his cup down and went over to her, running his hand down the length of her spine. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it the way it sounded.’
Aerin lifted her gaze to his, a wounded look still shimmering in hers. ‘It’s okay...’
Drake cradled her face in both of his hands. ‘It’s not okay if you feel hurt by something careless I’ve said. I like being here with you. In fact, I wish we could stay a week or two.’
‘You do?’
He planted a soft kiss to her lips, then lowered his hands from her face to take possession of her hands. ‘But we both have work and other commitments. And people are going to wonder where we’ve got to.’ He gave her hands a light squeeze. ‘Have you told anyone where you are?’
‘No, because we’re not due back in London until later tonight. But I’ll have to text Harper and Ruby to tell them I won’t be back at work for a couple of days at least.’
‘Will they put two and two together, do you think?’
‘Knowing Ruby and Harper, yes.’ A worried look came into her eyes. ‘I don’t want to lie to them. It was hard enough with my school friends but I’m not as close to them. Ruby and Harper are used to me carrying on about how cynical you are and how I always try to avoid you. I’m not sure I can be like that now that I know you better.’
Drake released her from his hold and went back to pick up his now cold coffee. But at least it was something to do with his hands. ‘We have to go back to normal, or as normal as possible.’ He put his cup down again on the table and scraped his hand through his hair. Emotions were bubbling inside him, but he was doing all he could to suppress them.
He would hurt her more if he extended their fling. He couldn’t offer her any of the things she wanted for her life. But how were they ever going to go back to normal? By making love they had changed their relationship.Hehad changed their relationship and he couldn’t change it back. He wanted her with an ache that was getting harder to manage each day. He was not used to the intensity of such feelings. He had never experienced anything quite like this before. In a weird way he was like Aerin—he wanted things he couldn’t have. Fate had decided that for him. He was always going to be the tragic boy who lost his family through the despicable actions of his father.
He could not love again.
He would not love again.
He would not fail again.
How could he guarantee his love for someone would be enough to keep them safe?
‘I guess you’ll be glad to get back to your playboy life as soon as you can,’ Aerin said with a hint of bitterness in her tone.
Drake wanted to tell her how, lately, he had started to hate his playboy life. He hated the shallow encounters, the short flings that didn’t mean anything to either party other than physical release. He had been physically close with so many women but not one of them had unpicked the lock on his emotional fortress.
But Aerin with her kind and sweet nature had cast some sort of spell on him. A spell he could feel intensifying the longer he spent with her. He had found talking about his past painful for sure, but it had also released some bound-up darkness inside him. Freeing him in a way he had not been in years. Not totally free, but free enough for him to spread his cramped emotional limbs, to shake off the numbness, the deadness, to get the blood flowing again.
Drake came back to her and took her hands in his again. ‘I will miss you, being with you like this. It’s been...something special, something really special. I want you to know that.’
She swallowed and looked at him so openly and earnestly his heart spasmed. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been snarky about your choice of lifestyle, it’s just that I hate the thought of you missing out on what a real relationship feels like, one that is not transactional or temporary but a total commitment that lasts for ever.’
‘I know you mean well, your whole working life and your personal one for that matter is about making people happy,’ Drake said. ‘But I’ve seen too many relationships fall apart, not always from lack of love, either. Sometimes it’s a clash of values or the pressure of kids and illness or caring responsibilities or financial trouble. So many things can go wrong in even the best of relationships.’
Aerin gave him a sad smile. ‘I know all of that, but you have closed yourself off from ever experiencing love. I don’t know how you can do it, how it’s even possible to be so locked down you can’t feel normal feelings. It’s not healthy, surely?’
Drake lifted her chin with his finger, locking his gaze on hers. ‘Don’t try and fix me, Goldilocks. I’m fine the way I am.’ But there was a part of him that was starting to recognise he wasn’t as fine as he had once thought. His playboy lifestyle had already begun to lose its shine even before Aerin turned up at his office to ask him to be a stand-in date.
He found his work fulfilling and time-consuming but coming home to any empty house each day was not something he looked forward to as much as he had before. Being with Aerin had shown him a new way of living. It was as if a locked door in his brain had been opened just a sliver, allowing light and healing into all his dark spaces. But how could he allow the thought of letting go of the past any traction? How could he possibly hope that his relationship with Aerin would be the perfect one she was looking for? He had faced horrendous failure at fifteen. He had spent the time since avoiding it. Entering into a permanent relationship with someone, even someone as lovely as Aerin, was only going to reinforce his deepest fear—failure. Failure to love and to protect.
A defiant light came into her grey-blue eyes. ‘But are you fine? You must get lonely at times. You must want more out of your relationships than a quick fling.’
‘Why must I?’
Aerin caught her lower lip between her teeth, her eyes shifting from his. ‘Because...never mind.’ She straightened her shoulders and reset her features into a rictus smile and turned back to the pantry. ‘I’m going to rustle up some dinner for us. You made breakfast and lunch...it must be my turn to do something around here.’
Drake stepped closer and placed his hands on the tops of her slim shoulders. He felt her shudder under the gentle press of his hands and heard her soft sigh. He swept her hair over one of her shoulders and leaned down to kiss the sensitive skin just below her hairline on her neck. The flowery fragrance of her hair reminded him of a cottage garden in summer, her skin was like silk against his lips. He slowly turned her to face him, her luminous eyes meeting his. How would he ever look at her in the future without wanting her? How would he return to his old life of casual one-night stands and not think of her touch, her taste, her sweet fragrance that clung to his skin and sent his senses into overdrive?
He brushed his bent knuckles down the creamy slope of her cheek in a light-as-air touch. ‘I’m not interested in food right now.’