Adam rested his chin on my shoulder and spoke quietly. “It never felt like the time to change things in here, so I didn’t. Don’t be weirded out.”
The overstuffed couch was the same. The rug, the chairs, and the blanket on the back of the couch, all the same as the day I’d left for the last time. It was like I’d walked into a time capsule, and I had to grip the back of the couch to convince myself it was real. The thick knitting of the blanket was worn and soft under my fingers, just the way it’d always been.
The thing about time capsules is that they take you back, remind you of what was before. The last time I’d stood in that very spot, hand gripping the same blanket, I’d broken up with Adam and left him sitting on the couch, stunned and hurt. The look on his face haunted me. He’d wanted forever. I’d wanted that, too, but I knew better. I knew what would’ve eventually happened.
IthoughtI’d known. Standing there, with Adam’s arm around my waist and his soft breath tickling my neck, I wasn’t sure anymore.
23.
***Violet***
“Whereareyou,Violet?I’m having a hard time hearing you.” Mom’s voice was small as I stood in the middle of Adam’s massive bed and tried to stretch to get better service. “Just come over. Your sister needs you.”
“I’m busy, mom. I can come over tomorrow, okay?” The guys had gotten settled with their football game, and I could hear them shouting at the TV. I rolled my eyes and grinned at how serious they’d been about watching the game. “I’ve got to go!”
“Violet Faith, you need to show up more for Rose! It’s herwedding! If you ever get married, she’ll be there for you.” Of course, the service got better for Mom to guilt me. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you were different at Thanksgiving. Now you’re bailing on your sister? You’re flaky, sure, but you’re usually good to Rose. And the way you spoke to Uncle Roy was out of line. He was really upset about it.”
The familiar weight that came with existing as myself within my family settled on my shoulders. I took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly. “I’m not bailing on Rose. I can be there tomorrow.”
“But we need someone to finish the favors. Your sister wanted to do handmade things, but neither of us have the time for it.”
I closed my eyes and tried not to let it hurt my feelings. Of course, they just needed me to do the things they deemed themselves too busy to do. They didn’t think I had anything better to do. A week earlier, that might’ve been true. After the event I’d hosted with Adam as my model, I was getting slammed with orders and special requests. The guys had only gotten me away from my garage after helping me package and drop off a bunch of orders.
“I’m pretty busy, too, Mom.” Not to mention, it was the holiday season, which meant there were nonstop events, parties, and traditions to complete. Even if my business hadn’t picked up, there were at least two parties a week until Christmas.
“Oh, Violet. You don’t have to pretend your little business is doing great with me. I know it’s always rough with the family questioning you, but I know you. I know that you’re not busy.”
“Actually, Mom, I am busy. I’m swamped with orders, and if you want me to show up tomorrow, I will, but tonight is not happening. Text me and let me know.” I hung up and turned my phone off. It wouldn’t be like her to call and apologize for clearly upsetting me, but even on the off-chance she developed the ability to apologize, I didn’t want to talk to her again.
I got down from the bed and dropped my phone on Adam’s dresser. My hands shook from frustration and hurt. Things with my parents had always been like that. They thought so little of me. They expected even less.
Being a twin had been great until I was old enough to notice the minute details in peoples’ expressions. They would brighten and warm when they looked at Rose, who was as beautiful as her name suggested. Blonde, with huge blue eyes, she was delicate and sweet. Her mannerisms had always been careful and polite. Then, those same people would turn to me and wonder how we were twins. Nearly red hair, green eyes that weirded people out with how much they noticed, and with features that were all slightly too intense for a kid. I was clumsy, messy, louder than anyone liked, and my love of sneaking sweets kept my baby fat solidly in place.
In middle school, Rose got voted Most Likely to be Prom Queen. I’d gotten braces with headgear. In high school, Rose was valedictorian and prom queen. I hadn’t been invited to prom, but I had been invited to finish a class in the summer before the school would mail me my diploma. Then Rose went to one of the twenty colleges that had all but begged her to attend. I had to beg one of my previous teachers to talk to the admissions office at the community college and convince them that I was worth the risk. I wasn’t.
Rose went to medical school and met a doctor, Anthony, whom everyone loved. I went on a tour of the country, conveniently after breaking up with boyfriends that my family didn’t know about, using money that had been left to me by our grandparents. I’d tried my hand at owning my own business and found candles because of the way I felt about scents. Rose had bought our parents an in-ground swimming pool for their anniversary the year before. I hadn’t been able to afford a card.
Rose had come home as soon as she could and set up shop as close to our parents as possible. She was best friends with my mom. They lunched together. I was flaky because I’d missed more birthdays and anniversaries than I’d been there for. They all thought I was a waste case. We had nothing in common, and talking to me for any amount of time seemed painful for our parents.
I was the bad twin, the twin who failed to thrive, the twin with the big scar on her back and the tattoos. I was the ugly twin, the chubby twin, the twin who just couldn’t make it in their world. I was the never-good-enough twin.
Staring at myself in Adam’s mirror, the same mirror I’d dressed in a hundred times before, I tried to see what my parents saw. The older I got, the harder it was to see exactly what it was they found so terrible. I could see the physical flaws, of course, but I struggled to see why I was so unlovable. It’d been so clear to me when I was younger. The things my family said about me made so much sense. I was flaky. I was stupid, compared to Rose. I was awkward. At thirty, I tried to shed those thoughts.
It wasn’t easy, especially with the dialogue being the same from my family. They weren’t interested in seeing me as anyone other than who they’d decided I was. I’d spent so many years failing that I didn’t feel capable of succeeding at anything, including changing the way they spoke to me. Coming home to Holiday Village and starting my candle business, yet again, had started a shift in my mindset. I had faileda lot. I had started over even more, though. That had to mean something. I never stopped trying.
Accepting that maybe I wasn’t the unlovable monster I’d been convinced I was, however, meant I had to face decisions I’d made from a place of fear, motivated by that idea. I’d spent time loving each of the men in the other room, shouting at the TV. I’d loved them deeply and wholly. Each time, I’d been terrified. I hadn’t understood how they wanted me. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for them to call it off. Only when they tried to take things to another level did I wake up and run. If I allowed myself to feel their love, the moment they realized I was a failure and a waste would destroy me that much more. I didn’t want to have their love and lose it. It was easier if they just liked sleeping with me. There was less pressure that way.
My opinion of myself, my inability to believe that I was lovable, it had driven me to hurt myself and the men I’d cared so deeply for. I’d been a coward, too afraid to face their rejection, the rejection I’d justknownwas coming.
On Adam’s bedside table, a framed photo caught my attention, and when I picked it up, I saw it was a picture of the two of us. We’d looked so happy. Adam had looked so happy. He’d looked so in love.
I put the frame back as tears filled my eyes. He still had a framed picture of us next to his bed. Years later.
I shut myself in his bathroom and allowed myself a good cry. Seeing Adam’s cabin, seeing our history as his present, I felt like the monster I’d always thought myself. I’d been so wrapped up in my own self-hatred that I’d cared less about him than I should’ve. I’d done the same thing to Jayden and Ian, too. Yet they had come running to help me in under an hour, after not speaking to me for years.
That day alone, Adam had initiated a Christmas makeover on my house. Jayden had taken up for me with my family. Ian would’ve taken anyone down for me, and I knew it just as well as I knew my own name. They weren’t punishing me for what I’d done. Even if I deserved it. They’d just slipped right back into my life and started fitting in where they could, even if it meant they were standing shoulder to shoulder, for the time being, with two other men.
Overcome with the need to thank them for being the best men I could’ve ever found, I decided to do it in a way that would offer them something worthwhile. My opinion of myself was shaky, but I knew they liked my body. My gift to them still wouldn’t be selfless. The pleasure I got from them was beyond anything I’d ever imagined. They deservedsomething, though, and I had nothing else.