She gives me a little smile. “Whatever you’re thinking about. It looks painful. It’s gonna be okay.” She checks her phone, then slides out from under me, slipping off the bed and padding across the room. “One sec,” she murmurs, heading out into the lounge.
I can hear her moving around in the kitchen, rooting through cupboards. My head starts to pound again, and I rub my eyes. It feels like someone is trying to hammer them out of my skull from the inside. I try to sit up, but my vision blurs so badly I have to lay back down.
Frustration floods me.
I really tried this weekend. After Beth told me off on Friday night, I realised that she was right. For as long as I have Cami with me, I need to prioritise her over my work. I can’t just hire a nanny and ignore my own child. All weekend, I focussed on Cami, leaving my work until the night-time when she was asleep. I really tried to look after her, but I literally,physicallycouldn’t.
Which only means one thing. I’ll have to give her away.
My stomach churns. The thought is so repulsive I think I might actually throw up.
My bedroom door cracks open again, and Beth slips back inside. “Here,” she whispers, setting a glass of water and a pill bottle on my bedside table. “Take these.”
I groan. “Beth. Please. I’m fine. Stay with Cami.”
“I texted Cyrus. He says you need to take your meds and sleep it off.” She cracks open the pill bottle and shakes out a tablet, offering it to me. “Here.”
I close my eyes. “No.”
There’s no way. Those painkillers mess with my brain. They make me fuzzy and uncoordinated. There’s no way I could take them while looking after a baby. I’d probably drop her, or fall asleep and forget to feed her, or try and run her a bath and end up burning her. So many awful scenarios flash through my mind.
No. I can’t take the pills.
Beth sighs, running a hand through my sweaty hair. “Seb, come on. There’s no reason for you to be in this much pain.”
“No.”
“Please?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“I’ll hurt her,” I mumble, rubbing my eyes. “Won’t be able to control myself.”
She goes still. “What?” I don’t reply. She touches my wrist. “Sebastian. Seb, look at me.”
I do. For the first time this evening, I reallylookat her. She clearly ran here as soon as I called; she’s wearing a t-shirt with a stain on it, and her shiny hair is pulled into a bun that’s sliding down one side of her head, hanging by her cheek. Her full lips are dry, like she’s been biting them, and her eyeliner is smudged.
She looks an absolute mess. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a woman more beautiful.
“I’m sorry I scared you,” I blurt out. “When I yelled at you.” I take a deep breath. The room spins slowly around me. I feel like I’m drunk.
She looks confused. “What are you talking about? You didn’tscareme. You pissed me off.”
“You were hurt.” I remember that. I remember the look on her face. Like I’d just slapped her. Guilt throbs in my stomach. I never meant to upset her. I can’t help it. No wonder my own daughter screams whenever I try to hold her. “Sorry. Wasn’t personal. I hurt everyone.”
“Youdidn’thurt me.” She leans closer. “Why do you think you hurt everyone?”
I shake my head. “Is Cami okay?” I mumble.
“She’s sound asleep.” She narrows her eyes. “Why are you so scared of holding her? What do you think is going to happen?”
“Don’t want to hurt her.”
“Butwhywould you hurt her?” She pauses. “Do youwantto hurt her?”
“No! I’d kill anyone who tried!” I clench my jaw. Sweat drips down the back of my neck. “I was so mad when I saw her. In the car seat. Could’ve killed someone then.”