She nods, twisting her fingers together anxiously. We sit down on the pillows, and Jack starts to pour the wine as I open up all the takeaway containers. Beth is stiff as we dole out the food, sitting ramrod straight. Her eyes keep flicking between me and Jack, like she can’t believe what’s happening.
I slide a hand over her shoulder. “Hey,” I say quietly.
She jumps. “What?”
“You’re all tense.” I squeeze her shoulders, feeling the stiff muscles ease under my hands. She leans into my touch, her body swaying into mine. The gentle scent of apples washes over me, making my mouth water.
“Sorry. I’ve just never been on a date with two guys before. It’s odd.”
“As far as I can tell, you’ve not been on a date in a while, period,” Jack points out, handing her a glass of wine. “Why is that, by the way? Are you getting over an ex, or something? Bad breakup?”
She hesitates. “I guess…” She swirls her wine thoughtfully, stalling for time. “I just don’t like who I am, when I’m dating someone.”
I frown. “What does that mean?”
“Like…” Heat rises to her cheeks. “I realised a few years ago that whenever I date someone, I end up changing myself to fit what they like. If they like quiet people, I talk less. If they like loud people, I get more bubbly. If they like football, I’ll learn to like it too. I find all the things that make them happy, and I mould myself into that person. I don’t notice myself doing it, until we break up, and I realise that I’m nothing like the person that I was before. All of the things thatIlike and dislike just get swallowed up.”
I stay silent. That was the last thing I expected her to say. Beth’s sweet, but I certainly wouldn’t call her a pushover. She’s taken charge ever since she met us, and she’s had absolutely no problem telling off Seb.
Beth takes a gulp of wine, embarrassment all over her face. “It’s the part of myself that I’m most ashamed of. I’m like a chameleon. And I hate it. I hate that I’m not strong enough to just be myself. I hate that I’m such a people-pleaser that I’ll change my whole personality just to be liked; but for the life of me, I don’t know how to stop it. It just happens.” She shrugs awkwardly. “When I’m alone, I’m myself. I get to be me. So I think I’m better off alone. At least until I work out how to stay true to myself.”
“When did you last date?” Jack says quietly, reaching over to plop an ice cube into my wine.
“When I was twenty-two. So about four years.”
My eyebrows fly up. “Shit, Beth. That’s a long time.”
“Yeah.” She looks uncomfortable. “That’s what Benny keeps telling me.” She smiles weakly. “Even before that, I never reallydated.I just met a guy and we sort of… fell together. I don’t think anyone’s ever done anything like this for me.” She waves over the food. “It’s really sweet.”
So I was right, then. She’s not used to other people taking care of her. The thought makes my chest ache. She spends all day looking after other peoples’ children, but she’s never had someone who wants to look after her.
An odd wave of emotion surges up in me.Iwant to be that person. The person cooking her dinner and massaging her feet and kissing her when she’s sad.Iwant to take care of her.
I crush the feeling down. I fuck girls. I don’t do emotional connections with them.
But God, right now, I wish I could.
“Okay.” I take a massive bite of pasta, then set my fork down, pushing my plate away. “Why don’t we play a game? Loosen you up. Since you’re so out of practice.”
She blinks. “Like, a drinking game?”
“Sure. Get to know each other better.”
“Truth or dare,” Jack offers, winding some spaghetti around his fork.
Beth perks up a little. “Okay.” She glances between us. “But this is kinda unfair. You’re both just gonna grill me. I’ll get twice as many questions.”
“We’ll take turns,” Jack offers, and she nods.
“I’ll start,” I decide. “Have you ever fantasised about fucking two guys at once?”
Twenty-Two
Beth
I stare at Cyrus, my heart pounding. He just smiles slowly, not taking his eyes off me.
“I—” I look down, feeling my cheeks flush.