Still smiling, I fall asleep in seconds.
Seventy
Beth
I wake up in an empty bed.
It’s evening now; red and gold light filters into the dim room through the cracks in Sebastian’s blinds. I lie there for a second, touching the cold pillow by my head. Now that I’m alone again, the old sadness comes creeping back, squeezing my throat, pressing into my chest. I roll onto my side, curling a hand over my stomach. Guilt weighs down on me.
I should be happy. I’m so glad that the guys are here. I’m so glad that they want to be with me. But even that’s not enough to ease the ache inside me. It’s going to take more than a week and a shag to get over the news of my infertility.
But that’s not the point of having boyfriends, is it? The people you love aren’t meant to heal your pain. No one can do that for you. But they can support you while you work through it.
I hear giggles coming from the living room and sit up. There are more giggles, a squeal, and then deep, male laughter. The pain in my chest eases slightly. I slip out of bed, dress quickly, and follow the sound of the noise.
Seb and Jack are in the lounge, playing with Cami. I lean in the doorway and watch. They’ve laid out Cami’s playmat, and Sebastian is stacking her favourite pink blocks in towers. Cami is bopping up and down in Jack’s arms, giggling as she watches. She’s wearing a green dinosaur onesie with little felt spikes running down the back. I’ve never seen it before, so I guess the guys must have picked it up in America.
As I watch, Sebastian takes Cami and holds her upright, walking her through the piles of blocks. She starts kicking them over, beaming, while Jack narrates in a grave voice.
“Cami the Giant Chameleon made her way through the great city, leaving chaos in her wake. Buildings collapsed before her. The city streets were filled with flame. Bridges crumbled and trees were ripped from their roots. But the Giant Cami showed no mercy.”
Cami almost trips over her bunny toy, and he swoops in to pull it out of the way.
“Citizens ran screaming, desperate to get away from her huge feet.” He tickles one of Cami’s feet, making her kick and squeal. Seb walks her over to the tallest tower of blocks.
Jack gasps. “She approached the clock tower. It was the tallest, strongest building in the city. Surely even the Cami monster couldn’t topple such a massive structure!”
Cami tries to kick it over—and misses. Her foot goes wide. She tries again and almost falls over. Sebastian swings her in his arms, and she flies into the tower. Cubes rain onto the floor, scattering across the living room.
“It was over!” Jack cries. “The Giant Chameleon had crushed the last building in the city! She raised her fists in triumph—”
Cami giggles and flops onto her stomach.
“—And then she had a rest,” Jack improvises. “Her energy was spent. The ashes of the once-thriving metropolis burned and glowed around her. She had completed her quest. She had razed the evil city of Bristol to the ground.” He reaches over and picks her up, tossing her into the air. She shouts happily, grabbing at his hair.
I lean in the doorway, my eyes burning as I watch them play together. Jack and Seb look more relaxed than I’ve ever seen them. And Cami is absolutely delighted, basking in the attention from her dads.
There’s a footstep in the corridor, then I feel a warm body behind me. I lean back into Cyrus, letting him wrap his arms around my waist.
“How do you feel?” He asks quietly, his breath brushing my hair.
“Fine. Happy.”
I expect him to nod and drop it, but he just frowns. His face is pinched. “I’m serious. Are you okay?” He rubs his eyes. “Shit, that’s a stupid question. Of course, you’re not okay. I just…” He sighs, touching my cheek. “I’m so sorry, babe. I know you really wanted kids.”
I look down. I manage to keep it together for about two seconds before I start to cry.
Cyrus makes a low noise deep in his chest. “Bethie.” He pulls me into him, and I press my face into his shirt, letting the tears soak into the soft cotton. His hand sifts slowly through my hair.
“It still hurts,” I admit. My throat is so tight it hurts to speak. “So much.”
“I know,” he whispers. “I’m so sorry. So sorry, honey.”
I cry for a while as he holds me. The sobs are silent; the others don’t hear them. It’s like me and Cyrus are in our own little private bubble. Eventually, I pull away, wiping my cheeks dry. In the background, Cami gabbles happily.
“It’ll take a while for it to stop hurting. Maybe it always will.” I sniffle, and he kisses the top of my head. “But this helps.”
“This?” He points at himself, then the other guys. “Sex?”