I remember his words in the bedroom.
I don’t need her.
You’re overreacting,a voice says in the back of my mind.They’re busy. That’s why they’ve not been calling you. They’re not abandoning you.
The thing is, it wouldn’t even be abandoning me, would it? I’m not their girlfriend, I’m their employee. They can fire me whenever they want.
You’re just fragile and overemotional,the tiny voice insists.You’re not thinking straight.
Even so. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my life, it’s to never depend fully on someone else. Especially someone that hasn’t bothered to contact you for a full week. Always have a back-up plan.
“Um.” I rub my eyes. “Can I pay just one month, instead of the full quarter?”
Bill’s eyebrows fly up. “You don’t like it here?”
“No, I just…” I remember Maisie. “I got offered a job up in Bristol. Probably won’t take it. But I’d like to keep my options open, just in case.”
“Is there something wrong with my building?” He asks, his voice rising.
“No, Bill.”
“Then why is everyone leaving? How am I supposed to find new tenants at this time of year?! The men upstairs rang and told me the exact same thing.”
My stomach goes cold. “What men upstairs?”
“Your friends. The tech guys.”
I stare at him. “They got a job in Bristol?”
“They’re planning on moving out, and want to pay rent monthly.”
I feel the blood rush out of my face. “Oh. Well. This is London. I’m sure you’ll find new tenants soon. Students, or something.”
His scowl deepens. “Do I look like a bloody university hall? I’m not taking instudents!I swear to God, if I find out some other landlord is trying to poach my business—”
I cut him off. “That’s nine hundred for a month, right?”
He nods. I write out the cheque, and he snatches it out of my hand, muttering to himself as he stamps back down the corridor. I stand still for a moment, staring after him. My mind is racing, but I feel too tired to move.
They’re leaving. Without even telling me. They want to move away. Slowly, I close my door and lean against the wall, running a hand through my hair. My skin is boiling hot under my clothes.
I feel so fuckingstupid.
Why am I like this? Why am I so desperate? It’s like I never grew up at all. I might be a grown woman now, but on the inside, I’m still the same terrified, hungry girl I was as a child. So desperate to be loved and cared-for that she clings to everyone who shows her a crumb of affection. Who falls head-over-heels for a guy in a matter of weeks.
And then another guy.
And another.
This is why I’ve been so careful not to date. Because I’m absolutely pathetic. When am I going to stop being such a fucking leech, and just stand on my own two feet? I obviously need to; clearly, I was never meant to have a family. I wasmeantto be alone. The universe has practically told me as much. No parents. No kids.
I need to get over this idea that I can ever have anybody.
I’m so fuckingsadI just don’t know what to do anymore. I want to crumble into atoms and disappear.
Sixty-Four
Jack