I slide into the car seat and slam the door shut, starting the engine. Dimly, over the sound of my car sputtering to life, I hear someone call out my name. I look up to see Carl jogging towards me, shock all over his face. Sarah stops him, holding him back as I pull out into the road. Fury lashes through me. I wind down the window and tug my bracelet off my wrist for the first time in years. It gleams bright gold between my fingers.
I’ve worn this bracelet my whole life. On my first day of school. When I started new jobs. When I went on first dates. Whenever I got broken up with, or rejected, or hurt, I was wearing this bracelet. Every time I needed my mum, I looked at it, and it gave me the strength I needed.
And it means absolutely fuck all. It’s just a piece of jewellery she probably bought at the hospital gift shop.
You are my sunshine.What a load of fucking horse crap.
I toss it out of the window, and it lands at Sarah’s feet. She starts crying harder, sobbing into her hands. Carl shouts something after me, but I slam my foot on the gas and speed away, driving until my mother’s house is completely out of sight.
For a long time, I drive in silence, not stopping to turn on the radio or the GPS. Rain starts to splash over the windshield and cold fills the car. I barely notice. Nonna’s voice swirls around my head, over and over, on a loop.
You’re upsetting my grandchildren. They’re not your siblings. You were an insufferable child. We damn well tried to love you.
My hands shake on the steering wheel. I just don’t understand. I don’t understand why I’ve never been important enough for people to care about. I don’t understand why I’m sodifficultto love.
As if in answer, my phone buzzes in my pocket. My stomach flips.
I pull up at the side of the road and pick it up numbly, praying that it’s one of the boys. My heart lurches when I see Cyrus’s name. ThankGod.I swipe to open the message, my fingers fumbling.
C:Heads up, babe, looks like we’re staying another few days. Wednesday at least. Jack has some more asses to kiss. We’ll call later xx
I feel like I’ve swallowed a lump of ice. I called them crying in a voice message, and they responded telling me that they’re extending their trip.
I squeeze my eyes shut, taking a few deep breaths, then tap out a reply.
B:Okay, great! Proud of you x
I send the text off with shaky hands, then slip the phone back into my pocket, reversing into the road again. The rain gets heavier as I make my way back to London. I only stop once on the way, to pick up my new prescription and two bottles of wine.
When I finally make it back to my flat, I’m exhausted. My whole body is aching. I lean heavily against the door and toss my keys onto the counter. They skitter across the surface, sliding to a stop next to the three empty pregnancy test packages I dumped there last night.
I stare at them. Just twenty-four hours ago, I was pacing up and down my flat, scared and nervous and excited. And now I have nothing. Nothing.
I put down my shopping bag and crack open the first bottle of wine.
Sixty-Two
Cyrus
“Something is wrong,” I insist, setting my beer glass down and squinting at my phone screen.
Neither of the others respond. I glare at them both.
It’s our eighth day in New York, and we’re at the hotel’s poolside cafe, eating lunch. The sun is beating down over our heads, and a cool breeze is rippling over the turquoise pool. Kids are playing in the water, splashing each other, sending little sparkling droplets into the air.
It’s been a busy day; we’ve already attended two panels this morning, and we’re giving a presentation on indie mobile app games in just a few hours.
For the most part, the conference is going perfectly. We have a pretty slick routine down—Sebastian and Jack write out a script for me to learn the night before, I give the presentation, and then the two of them chip in with extra info, and answer questions at the end.Legend of Azaran 2: The Forgotten Warhas been stuck at number one on the paid game charts for days, and Jack has had more offers than we can count.
Not that he cares. I watch him, sitting opposite me with Cami in his lap. He’s feeding her some gross-looking pumpkin and carrot baby food we bought at a local store. His leg is jiggling nervously, bopping her up and down as she tries to eat.
Ever since we met Hamish in the lift, he’s been jittery about their little dinner date. It’s all he talks about, and it’s pissing me off. Both him and Seb have been so busy planning and presenting and networking, they’re completely ignoring the massive problem staring us in the face.
Beth.
It’s been seven days since she spoke to us, and I’m going out of my mind. The last text was from our very first day, when I messaged her about our extended stay. She replied a few hours later.
B: Okay, great! Proud of you x