Max shakes his head. “It didn’t.”
“And it went to you?”
He nods. “My younger brother, Arturo, and I were estranged for many years. Viktor helped me find where he was, at least a couple of years ago, and that he was alive. But I haven’t been in contact with him. I tried, but–” Max shrugs. “Those efforts went unanswered. He was working as a model in Europe, just as he wanted. I’m sure he has no desire to come back to the family that wanted to make sure his dreams were never realized.”
I blink at him, my appetite suddenly gone as the reality of Max’s situation dawns on me. “So you were never meant to be a priest. It should have been your brother. Weren’t you ever–”
“Angry?” Max presses his lips together. “What good would that have done? Art chose his path, and I chose mine. I chose my family. I chose duty over my own happiness.Thathas always been my life, Sasha. My path.”
And it’s not going to change.I can hear what he’s not saying. That he’s lived a lifetime of duty, and it won’t stop now. That this is who he is–who he’s always been.
It breaks my heart more than ever, because it didn’thaveto be this way.
What does it matter?I tell myself fiercely as I stab another bite of food.If he’d lived the life he was meant to as the middle son, you’d never have met him. He’d be married to someone else now, and he would never have come into your life. So which is better?
I don’t have an answer for that.
“You need to rest,” Max says finally, when it’s clear I won’t be able to eat anymore for now. “Get some sleep, Sasha. You’re still recovering. I’ll come and check on you.”
He leans over, and for one breathless moment, I almost think he’s going to kiss me. He does, in a way, his lips brushing over my forehead. I feel my breath catch at the touch, my heart beating wildly, but I know it’s going to stop there.
And it does. He takes the tray, smiling at me reassuringly. “You’re safe here, Sasha. I won’t let anything else happen.”
I believe him. But as he leaves, I know he can’t keep me from being hurt, not entirely. He can do his best to stop anyone else from hurting me–but he can’t stop the hurt that comes from seeing him every day, being so close to him, and knowing what we’re missing.
The hurt that comes from loving someone I can never have.
4
MAX
The relief I felt when I woke to see that Sasha was awake, too, was palpable.
The last week has been one of the hardest of my life. I’d wondered every day, up until yesterday when she seemed to take a turn for the better, if that day would be the one where I would lose her. She’d suffered through days of fever, an inability to keep anything down other than a little water and bone broth, and full-body shakes that bordered on seizures. I’d been terrified for her, and my reticence about Dr. Guerera had turned rapidly into my relying on him to save her. He’d proved to be knowledgeable and competent, but he hadn’t been sure if she’d make it, either.
“Giana?” As I reach the bottom of the stairs, I call out, and she appears instantly, as if my voice summoned her by magic. “Can you call Dr. Guerera and let him know that Sasha is awake? She’s resting again now, but I’m sure he’ll want to come by later and check on her.” I hand her the tray, feeling my exhaustion suddenly down to my bones. “I need to shower.”
I haven’t showered or changed my clothes in days. I’m honestly amazed that Sasha even wanted to be near me, let alone touch me. Even when Giana or Tommas offered to take up my spot at her bedside, I hadn’t been able to pull myself away.
This is my fault.So I’d kept to my vigil. I’d stayed with her, praying, begging, promising–and she’d woken up. She’s far from a hundred percent, but she’ll live. And now comes the time for me to keep the vows I made all over again.
I know she won’t understand. I saw the hope in her eyes when I woke up, and the devastation there when I reiterated that nothing had changed. I know what she wanted me to say.
I wish you understood how hard it is for me to walk away, every time.It had taken everything in me not to tell her plainly how I feel–that Iloveher in a way that I’ve never experienced before and never expected to.
I love her down to my bones, to the depths of my soul. And it’s for that reason that I can’t let her know. I can’t keep her here with me, bind her tighter to this deadly, dangerous world that I inhabit. Whether I take up the Agosti name or not, it will always follow me.
Sighing, I strip off the dirty clothes, tossing them into a hamper as I turn on the hot water in the cream stone-tiled shower. I don’t feel at home here, regardless of the fact that this estate is where I grew up. It feels too formal, too cold, a place with no warmth or love in it. It feels like a museum of art and books and rugs and materials, a monolith of an old way of doing things and an old way of living. I find myself longing for my small guest house on Viktor’s property, sparsely comfortable, but far more to my taste.
I might bear the name of an old-world mafia family, but they made sure to send me out of it, and when they tried to call me back, I no longer felt as if I belonged here. I feel the same way now.
I step into the shower, groaning as the heat hits my tight muscles. Giana made sure the master suite was stocked with anything I might need. There’s a plethora of products in the shower for me. Still, I stand there for a long time before I actually wash anything, wallowing in the heat and steam. It feels as if it’s washing away a week’s worth of stress and tension, all of the built-up fear. By the time I actually wash and step out of the shower to dry off, I feel slightly more human again–as well as better able to take on what’s ahead of me.
It’s not going to go unnoticed that I’ve come home. Having to reach out for extra security means that other members of the Family will know that I’m here. Then they’ll wonder if that means I’ve finally decided I’m ready to claim my inheritance.
If I’m going to be an Agosti in more than just name.
I have absolutely no intention of that, of course. But I know I need to tread carefully. Not only with the other members of the Family, if they reach out or try to make overtures, but with Viktor as well. Neither he nor Levin understands my reasoning for avoiding my inheritance. After the attack on Sasha, they will understand it even less.