“You’re going to love it,” he says confidently. “Just sit there while I mount up on Chime, and we’ll head out.”
I crane my neck to watch as Max swings his leg over the saddle, mounting up with an effortless grace that my efforts had definitely lacked. He looks like a natural as he gathers up the reins, tapping Chime’s sides lightly with his heels as he rides up alongside Basil and me.
He gives me a few quick instructions on the basics as he sits there, looking as if he’s spent half his life on horseback–and who knows, maybe he did, back when he lived here.There’s a lot you still don’t know about him,I remind myself, but right now, it doesn’t feel like it matters. It’s a bright and sunny day, the sky still mostly clear except for a few incoming clouds, and as we ride out of the barn with my heart in my throat, I know I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.
My heart feels as if it broke all over again this morning–but I also feel as if I made the right choice. Whatever happens in the future, I want as much time with Max as I can have, however I can have it. If that means putting aside my feelings for him so that he doesn’t pull away–then that’s what I’ll have to do.
“How are you holding up?” Max slows down Chime, letting me catch up as Basil plods his way forward toward the trail entrance. “You can tap him a little with your heels, remember, and he’ll pick up the pace.”
“I think this is okay for now.” I laugh nervously, glancing down again. I don’t think Basil is actually that tall for a horse–probably pretty mid-sized, compared to Max’s mount–butIfeel as if I’m impossibly high up. “We’ll just take it slow.”
“Fine by me.” Max keeps the slow pace next to me despite Chime’s snorts and prancing, the silvery horse clearly eager to take off on his own. “Whatever you’re comfortable with.”’
Just that on its own makes me feel better, and I relax a tiny bit into the saddle, following Max’s suggestions on how to thread the reins through my fingers. The trail that we’re on circles above the vineyards as we head towards the less-manicured part of the estate. If I’d thought the view was beautiful when we’d walked through it before, it’s even more so now.
“This place is like paradise,” I say softly, both of us coming to a halt as we look down at the rows and rows of vines. “If I could stay here, I’d never want to leave. If there wasn’t something to go back to in New York, of course,” I add quickly, glancing at Max. That strange expression is on his face again, flitting over his features for a moment, and then they smooth carefully again.
“It might be different if you’d grown up with my family,” Max says, following my gaze out over the vineyards. “Even paradise can feel like a prison when someone else makes all your choices for you.”
Isn’t that what happened even after you left?I want to ask, but I bite back the words. It’s not for me to say, not after I’d just promised this morning to stop pushing and prodding. If Max isn’t ready to see that even the vows he’s clinging to have just been the continuation of someone else choosing his path for him, then I can’t make him–and I know I shouldn’t.
You just have to accept that part of your relationship is over–not that it ever really started.But it’s hard to believe that, to accept it, when I can still feel the ghost of Max’s hands and lips on my skin, the faint soreness between my thighs that reminds me of what we did just last night.
“Itisbeautiful,” Max says softly, interrupting my thoughts. “But it’s not my home anymore.”
He turns Chime to head up the trail, and I follow, finding enough nerve to tap Basil lightly with my heels and catch up. Max glances over at me, a smile at the corners of his lips. “There you go,” he says encouragingly. “Not so scary, right?”
I push my heels down as he’d suggested, trying to find my balance as Basil picks up the pace. “Definitely scary,” I tell him breathlessly. “But fun.”
And itisfun. The further we go down the winding trail, the better I find my seat and get more comfortable, increasing the pace little by little as we ride through the scenic back half of the estate. We slow down again as we pass several pastures filled with sheep and goats, and Max points them out, grinning when I squeal with delight.
“I’ve never been in this much nature before,” I tell him with a laugh. “I grew up in Moscow, and then was shipped to New York.”
“Well, how do you like it?” Max asks teasingly, tapping Chime with his heels again to pick up the pace. “Ready to get back to the big city?”
I shake my head, urging Basil on, too, a little more comfortable now. “I think I might be more of a countryside girl, actually. I feel so much more relaxed here–like I canbreathe.”
“Maybe I’ll just leave you in charge of the place,” Max says teasingly, and I feel my chest constrict a little.
I wouldn’t want to stay here without you.
“If it wasn’t for Caterina and the children, I might actually consider it.” I keep an equally light, teasing tone, but deep down, a part of me wishes wecouldstay–but only if Max stayed here with me.
Which seems impossible.
The clouds are starting to gather more by the time we reach a huge lake towards the back of the property. Max urges Chime forward, letting the tall horse splash through the water. “Come on,” he encourages. “They love it.”
I nudge Basil, and the horse does, in fact, eagerly splash into the water, kicking his hooves. Max and I circle each other for a moment, letting the horses drink and wade through the water. I watch Max out of the corner of my eye, enjoying the sight of him maneuvering Chime through the water.
Every time I look at him, he seems more handsome to me than before, but today especially, with the sun glinting off his dark hair and his chiseled, olive face, I can’t quite believe how beautiful he is. Watching him astride Chime is almost erotic, seeing his long-fingered hands taut on the reins, his muscled thighs gripping the saddle, his body moving with the rhythm of the animal underneath him.
It makes my heart speed up in my chest, the beat fluttering in my throat as I look at Max, and I wish more than anything in the entire world that I could be in his arms again.
“We should probably head back,” Max says finally, sounding a little reluctant as he looks up at the sky, where the clouds are coming in closer. “I don’t think you want to get caught out in a rainstorm.”
I think, privately, that I’d be fine with being caught in a rainstorm, as long as it was with Max. But I nudge Basil in the direction he’s heading with Chime, brave enough to pick up the pace a little as we ride back toward the stables.
It’s a decently far distance, and we ride in companionable silence, a little of the tension between us dispelled. I’m reminded all over again of how much I simply enjoy Max’s company, how much I want to keep him in my life, in whatever capacity that’s possible–what I would be willing to sacrifice, in order to make him feel safe enough to do so.