The rush of heat that washes over me makes my knees weak. “What if I said I wanted that?” The words come out in a whisper, and I see the faint shudder that washes over Max. “What if I said that the idea of you doing those things to me turns me on?”
“Stop.” He shakes his head, turning away. “You don’t know what you’re saying, Sasha. And even if you did, I made vows, promises–I do this to myself to try to stop the wanting. To stop myself from hurting you with my own failings, over and over again–”
“You’re not hurting me. Or if you are, it’s only because you keep giving in and then pulling back–because you’re doing this to yourself.” I shake my head, feeling tears well up, my gut twisting. “If I’m the reason you’re doing this, then take it out on me instead.”
His face goes very still. “Sasha, no.”
“I mean it!” I swallow hard, trying to force down the welling emotions, but it doesn’t help. “Tell me the worst, then, if you want me to stop loving you, but I promise it won’t matter! It won’t change anything, because I don’t think you were wrong. I don’t think it was wrong to want to hurt Alexei after what he did to me and the others. Don’t you think I wanted to hurt him? Don’t you think I would have done the same, if I’d been down there in that room? I don’t think we’re wrong to want each other when every day we spend together is just more and more proof that we have everything the other person needs. So don’t keep hurting yourself.” I reach down, snatching the belt up from the floor, and thrust it out towards him, my hand shaking.
“Take your anger out on me if you have to. Punish me. But don’t hurt yourself because of me–because you’re hurting me anyway if you do. So you might as well go straight to the source.”
A look of absolute horror spreads over Max’s face. “Sasha–how could you think I would ever do something like that to you? You’ve been hurt like that before; how could you believe I could ever lay a hand on you in anger? Ever punish you for what isn’t your fault?”
“It’s not your fault, either,” I say quietly. “And you’ve done nothing wrong. So if you can do it to yourself, why not me?”
“Because I can’t!” Max snatches the belt out of my hand, throwing it to the floor. His chest is heaving, his eyes full of wild emotion as he looks at me fiercely, taking a step closer to me as he towers over me, his fists bunching.
He takes a deep, shuddering breath. “I can’t hurt someone that I love.”
11
SASHA
It feels as if the room shudders to a stop around us as I look at him, stunned.
He loves me.
Max loves me.
For the first few seconds, that’s all I can think. The elated feeling that sweeps over me is all-consuming, sending a flush of warmth through me, a tingling, champagne-bubble kind of happiness that overwhelms me–until I remember the circumstances under which he said it and what we’re arguing about here in this room, and I come sharply back down to earth.
“If you love me, and I love you,” I say quietly, a tremor running through my voice, “then I truly don’t understand why we can’t be together.” I look at Max’s handsome, tortured face, tears welling in my eyes all over again. “Your past is just that. Thepast. We can move forward–we can make something new together–”
Max shakes his head, swallowing hard. “You don’t understand.”
“Then make me!” My voice rises, high and pleading. “Max, you’re right. Idon’t. Please, help me understand.”
He rubs a hand over his mouth, his expression is pained. “It’s not just the vows I’m trying to keep, Sasha. I’m trying so desperately–trying, again and again, every time I fail–and I promised again, if you lived through that illness, that I wouldn’t touch you anymore. That I’d keep the vows I made. And then I–”
“I don’t believe that matters, Max,” I tell him quietly. “I’m sorry to say that, if you do, but I don’t think you promising to stay out of my bed, to deny us both, to keep putting us through this, is why I survived. And if it is–”
“I don’t know if I believe it anymore, either.” Max shakes his head, looking suddenly very tired. “But if I’m being honest, Sasha–I don’t know who I am without those vows. My whole life has been dedicated to being one kind of man. I have lived being him with a steadfast devotion–and I wasgoodat it, happy with it…until circumstances changed. I can’t even say they were beyond my control. To a certain extent, that’s true, but I still made choices, and then I made choices again. All of them have led me here–to stand in front of you and say that I was a man who devoted himself to loving and serving a monolith, and I don’t know how to be the man who loves you.”
He sucks in a breath, looking at me with a sudden, deep sorrow in his eyes. “I can’t trust the man that I would be in order to keep you safe forever, Sasha–if you were mine. I’ve done terrible, bloody things to get revenge for my brother and for you.” Max reaches out suddenly, his broad hands wrapping around mine, and I gasp at the heat of them against my skin. “I would kill anyone who hurt you, Sasha, tear apart anyone who touched you. Do you understand? What I feel for you–the emotions I feel, they’re so strong that it feels as if they can’t be allowed. I can’t let myself feel that much. I can’t do that to you.”
“What do you mean, do thattome?” I ask, swallowing hard. “You’re not doing anything to me, Max. Loving me isn’t–”
“I would consume you,” he says softly, and when he reaches up to touch my cheek gently, I feel a shiver rush through me. “I would want all of you, forever. And you should have a chance to be free, Sasha. You’ve experienced so little of your life. You should have the chance to explore the world if you want, date and experience other men. You should get to live, to discover who you are, make new friends, and go wherever you please, without danger or fear. You’ve never known what that means. There will always be danger around me. You can’t give yourself–commit yourself to a man like me. It’s not right–and I can’t ask that of you.” Max’s hand cups against my cheek, his thumb brushing lightly over my cheekbone. “I can’t ask you to take on my demons, Sasha.”
My heart is pounding in my chest. “None of this changes how I feel about you,” I whisper softly. “And I have demons too, Max. I have things I don’t talk about. I feel so much guilt–”
“What happened to you wasn’t your fault–”
“I know.” I reach up, covering his hand with mine. “But with Alexei, in the safe house–when he took me into that room and beat me in front of Caterina to make her submit to him–I didn’t fight the way I should have. I was so afraid of what he would do if I did. And when he beat me, it hurt so badly–”
A shudder runs through me at the memory, and Max’s arms go around me suddenly, pulling me close to him as his hand runs over my hair. “Sasha, you don’t have to–”
But the words are already spilling out, tumbling over one another as tears well up in my eyes and spill down my cheeks. “It hurt so much, what he did. I begged Caterina to give in, to let him have her, so the pain would stop. I couldn’t take it–I couldn’t bear it.”