I’ve sat in on his tours and Ledger makes every part of the process seem so fascinating. He’s an amazing entertainer, interacting with the crowds and encouraging their questions. Because of his tours, the ranch sells twice as many Christmas trees. When Micah told me that, Ledger’s chest puffed out a little.
“Are these really the ex-boyfriend cookies?” Cassie chuckles, holding up a tiny edible dick.
I nod and launch into a discussion of how I made them. I know I’m not supposed to sell baked cookies from my home kitchen. But I don’t exactly have the budget to rent a commercial kitchen.
If I can just scrape together the money to put a down payment on Harry’s bar, then I can get a small business loan from the bank. That will give me enough money to update the kitchen and get it ready for my expansion plan.
There’s a big Christmas fair in Sweetgrass River, the next town over, in a couple of days. I’ve rented a booth and I have a huge supply of Christmas themed cookies and snacks to sell, including my peppermint fudge. It should give me a few hundred dollars which puts me just a little bit closer to my dream.
As I’m talking, West’s phone dings and he pulls it out of his pocket. He nudges Cassie and shows her something, turning the screen so I can see it too.
It’s a video of Micah, his brother with Abby. She’s his new daughter, just a few weeks old. She’s making the cutest grunting noises as she finishes her bottle. Her little hand wraps around Micah’s finger as he hums to her.
A wave of longing and grief overpowers me. It’s so strong that it’s everything I can do to keep standing there and not sink to my knees. I want that. I’ve always wanted that. A family with Ledger. The chance to raise kids together and build our own home and have a million adventures. But it’ll never happen. Despite the years, he’s never crossed the line.
Last night I thought he would. We went to the dance together and he kept putting his arm around my waist. He kept teasing me in that rich, deep voice of his. There was even a moment when I thought he was going to kiss me and when he didn’t, something in me broke. My heart finally shattered.
“Y’all need anything to drink?” I ask, thankful my voice comes out calm and not thick with tears that want to fall.
Maybe I need another solo vacation. That’s what I call it when I disappear from town by myself. I’ve been doing it every so often for a few years. My friends just think I have wanderlust. No one knows that I only travel when I need to get away from Ledger for a little while. Just long enough to get my heart back under control so he doesn’t know how I feel.
The first time I left was in high school. Chelsey told all of us about how she was Ledger’s first back behind the bleachers, and I skipped school for a few days. Actually, I thought I was leaving Courage County for good. But I ended up coming back because this place is home. The people here are home.
Cassie and West both decline drinks and go back to replaying the video, barely sparing me a glance. The entire time they’re talking about how cute Abby is, I can practically feel how much they want one of their own. Of course, they do. They’ll probably get it too. Everyone gets a family but me.
Since the usual evening rush hasn’t arrived yet, I duck behind the bar and reach for the bourbon. I’m not normally one to drink on the job, but it’s not exactly frowned on by Harry or any other member of the staff. Besides, it’s almost Christmas and I’m alone. Again.
The rest of my shift passes in a blur of happy people celebrating the holidays and sips of alcohol behind the bar. Maybe a few too many sips, I realize later when I sway on my feet as I wipe down the counter.
The whole place is empty since it’s my turn to lock up. Well, it would be empty. A certain frustrating cowboy is still sitting there. Looking at me with his pretty face and his annoying concern.
“What has gotten into you lately?” He demands, coming around the counter to scowl at me. Why does he have to look handsome even when he’s scowling? Isn’t there some law against that?
I point a finger at Ledger. “There should be laws against you.”
“I think we’re closing up early tonight,” he says and pulls the cleaning rag from my hand. He puts it and the cleaning solution away underneath the counter. Or one of him does. I’m not sure about the other one. Why are there so many Ledgers? Doesn’t he realize that one of him is hard enough on my heart?
“I hate twins.” I reach for a bottle of bourbon that I’m taking home tonight. Jim and I are going to have a long heart-to-heart on my couch.
“Where’s your coat?” Ledger paws through the coat rack at the front, looking for my cute blue one with the snowman. I think I left that at home. He huffs and grabs his coat instead.
“Are you finally leaving?” I put a hand on my hip. Maybe he can leave my heart too. Maybe if I could find another cowboy, I could be happy. I bet another cowboy would give me babies. Lots of babies.
“Weare leaving.” Ledger crosses back behind the bar and puts his long coat on me. It nearly goes to the floor and it’s much too big even for my curvy frame. It smells like him too. Dammit, will the cowboy who gives me babies smell this nice?
He ushers me out the door and into the cold night air that stings my cheeks. I’m not too far from the bar. At least, I have that going for me. Ledger keeps wanting me to move in with him. He doesn’t need help with his bills. He’s just lonely. He needs a cat. He needs a cat and I need a baby. Then life will be perfect, and no one will know I love him.
“Where are you going?” A tight hand grips my upper arm.
I turn to Ledger. There’s only one of him. That’s a good thing, I think. I make the gesture for walking with my fingers. Maybe that’s the right gesture. Maybe I just did bunny ears. Doesn’t matter. Bunnies are cute.
“Yeah, we’re getting in the truck where it’s warm.” He tugs me gently toward it.
“This is your problem.” I stab him in the chest with my finger. Why isn’t he wearing a coat? It’s below freezing tonight. “You think you can ride in and rescue me, Mr. Hot Cowboy. And you can’t save anybody. Nobody can be saved. Because life is sad sometimes.”
He rolls his eyes. “Just get in my truck.”
“Not until you find me my booze. I had booze.” I was carrying a bottle of bourbon then it went away. He had to have stolen it from me.