Now I want more. I’m addicted to the sound of her name on my lips and the taste of her on my fingers and the way she softly sighs when she’s come. Just thinking about it has me wanting to stomp inside and tell my family and friends to go the fuck home. Because there’s only one thing I want for my birthday and it sure as hell isn’t cake.
The back door opens behind me, light from the house spilling onto the deck before Mom joins me. She leans against the porch railing next to me, surveying the winter wonderland that is my backyard.
“You shouldn’t be alone,” she says softly.
“I’m just taking a break for a minute,” I reassure her. She’s gone to a lot of effort for this party. She and Peyton both have.
“Not out here. In life. You need to be out there, seeing people.”
“People?” I repeat with a frown. I’m universally liked around town with a large circle of friends. According to my eleventh-grade biology teacher, I’m a “charming loudmouth with a love for practical jokes”. But my personality has served me well in my life.
“Women. You need to be seeing women. West has Cassie. Micah has Chloe. And you don’t even have a cat!” She sniffs.
“Ahh, ma, come on. Don’t be upset. I’ll adopt a cat tomorrow if it makes you happy.” I don’t like seeing women cry. But something about seeing my mama or Peyton cry and I turn into a superhero. I’ll say or do anything to comfort them even if it means adopting a little furball.
“I don’t want you to have a cat,” she insists.
“Well, I mean, there are dogs,” I say, thinking of Honey. The little mutt wasn’t doing well when I took her in. But I nursed her back to health until she was strong. Peyton fell in love with her and the two of them became inseparable.
“You’re missing the point.” She sighs. “You need companionship. Out of all my boys, you’re the one I worry about.”
“But I’m happy,” I reassure her. Ever since Peyton walked in tonight and told me she wanted my baby, I’ve been over the fuckin’ moon. Then she let me touch her and it’s like all the pieces of my life are finally falling into place.
“I’ve watched you grow up since you were this fifteen-year-old scrawny little thing. You’re good atappearinghappy, Ledger.”
So maybe I haven’t always been very happy in my life. But I’ve made a lot of strides toward it. Getting my eating disorder under control, taking my medication, creating a fulfilling art career outside of the family farm. There’s always been something missing though and here I thought I was the only one who noticed. Guess my mama did too.
“I’m seeing someone,” I admit then I turn. My eyes automatically search for Peyton and when I spot her through the windowpanes on my glass door, my heart nearly stops. She’s so damn pretty. “We’re keeping it quiet right now.”
Mama chuckles when she sees who I’m staring at. “I’d always hoped.”
“I have to take it slow or she’s going to run from me.”
Truth is, she wouldn’t get far. She thinks when she disappears for a few days, she’s alone. But she’s not. I turn on that tracker and I follow her. Usually to the exact same hotel each time.
I park in the lot across from her room and stand guard. I don’t even understand why I do it. Only that something compels me to always have her in my sights, always be nearby should she ever need me.
She puts a hand on my arm. “Love requires you to be bold. To be brave. To reach for the things you want more than anything.”
Her words settle in my chest. How long have we been doing this dance? How many years have I secretly hoped she’d look at me one day and see more? I wasn’t ready all those years ago. I see that now. I still had a lot of my own stuff to work through but maybe it’s possible we could find our way to each other now.
But I have to tell her. I need to be honest with her before this goes any further. She has to know that I’m in love with her. That I have been for years.
The back door swings open and Micah and West join us on the porch. “Just letting you know we’re heading out.”
“Already?” Mama asks. “But I still have that new card game for us to try.”
“Another night,” Micah says. “I have a kidney stone and appendicitis.”
As soon as she moves to fuss over him and her back is to me, I shoot him the bird. I know this is payback. I teased him about Chloe when she first showed up for the nanny position. Still, his lame excuses and terrible acting get the party breaking up and that’s exactly what I wanted. Time alone with my girl.
The house is finally empty, but Peyton slipped outside. She’s chatting with Chloe and Cassie in the driveway. The soft sound of her laughter wraps around me, warming me.
While she socializes, I start a fire in the fireplace. I get it cleaned regularly but rarely use it. Peyton likes the fireplace and she’s always cold. Besides, it’s a good way to keep my hands busy.
“It’s cozy,” she says as the flames start to lick the logs.
I didn’t even hear her come back in the house and I quickly straighten. I face her, trying to decide how to start my little speech. The one that will convince her I love her completely and that she doesn’t have to run anymore. Shit, shouldn’t there be roses and candles? Should I have gotten a ring? It definitely feels like a ring moment.