The metaphorical knife sank deeper into my chest. “Probably not. But I’ll be sitting with you.”
Chloe looked confused, but ultimately, she was still happy as she started to put her viola away. I offered her mom an apologetic smile, which she waved off and shook her head, muttering something under her breath that I wanted to believe sounded fond.
I walked them to the street, then as I headed back down the stairs, I froze at the sound of heavy music. My reprieve had been a single day. It was just as well. I was wrung out, and I really didn’t want to think, so walking to my bed and sinking down with my face in my pillow, I let myself wallow in the acceptance of my current situation.
I was exhausted and ready to sleep, and it wasn’t until I started truly drifting off that I realized the electric sounds this time weren’t coming from a guitar.
No, this time, I was pretty damn sure they were coming from a set of cellos.
* * *
By the timeI woke up, the music was gone. It was well past sunset if the darkness in the apartment was any indication, and I had that groggy, uncomfortable feeling from sleeping too much during the day.
It took me a moment to shake the heaviness from my limbs as I headed into the kitchen. I swiped my phone off the table as I padded toward the fridge. Just as I tugged it open, the phone buzzed under my hand, and I startled, glancing down at an unfamiliar number lighting up the screen.
Unknown: Hi, I hope I have the right number. I’m looking for Julius. Joy told me to send you a text about dinner tonight.
It took me a moment of processing before I realized this was the blind date set up. I wasn’t quite sure how the hell I felt about it, but glancing around at my bare kitchen, I thought maybe a good meal in a warm restaurant might take the edge off things.
And from what I remembered from Joy’s description, he owned a yoga practice, which meant he wasn’t running off to commit his life to God or anything like that. And it meant he had his own business and was likely more put together than anyone I could have met on my own.
Maybe it was the fatigue or maybe it was just the loneliness, but the idea seemed less and less terrible the longer I stood there.
Julius: Hi. I’m sorry. Joy didn’t give me your name, but she did tell me to expect your text.
Unknown: No worries! I’m Ever. And I know this is kind of last minute, so I understand if you’re busy.
Ever. Interesting.
Julius: It’s fine. I’m in Brooklyn, though, so I’m not sure if I could get anywhere quick.
Ever: I’m in Brooklyn too. I know a really nice spot that’s usually quiet on weeknights. Meet me there in about half an hour? I’ll send you a pin.
Julius: Okay, I can make that work. What do you look like so I know how to find you?
A second later, a photo popped through, and there was every chance it was the “hot” photo guys like him used on Grindr to get an immediate swipe right, but if he was even a fraction that good looking in real life, he would have been the most attractive man I’d ever been on a date with.
He looked like a walking Ken doll with his perfectly combed hair, thick biceps, and white, straight smile. He had blue eyes, and his skin was a sort of sun-kissed olive. I couldn’t help but recoil at the thought of what his face might do the moment he saw me.
My untamed curls and perpetual frown would be the worst match in the world for that ray of sunshine.
Ever: Your sister already showed me your pic, so I know what cutie to look out for. See you soon x.
Part of me wanted to ask him why he was laying it on so thick because even if he’d seen a stage photo where I was dressed up to the nines, I was a shadow compared to him. But hell, maybe he was into that.
I walked into the bathroom and flicked on the light, staring at the dark circles under my eyes. Nothing I did would make them go away, so I wet my fingers, attempted to scrunch my curls into something a bit less fly-away, then headed into my room for a fresh sweater.
I appreciated winter for the fact that I could hide myself under thick layers and no one really gave a shit, and that was what carried me out the door and along the path toward the pin Ever had sent to my phone.
It really wasn’t too far, and in spite of the cold, the brisk air kept me grounded and just outside of my anxiety. I made a mental note to send Joy a thank-you text and maybe even a cheap Starbucks card if this went well, then I came to a stop outside a restaurant with a very dark door and tinted windows.
It was a little boujee for where I usually frequented, but that had everything to do with my bank account balance. This gave me a little taste of what life had been like, what life might have continued to be like if Nicolai had never…
But no. Fuck him.
I was so damn sick and tired of every thought coming back to rest on him. If I had still been in love with him, maybe this would have been easier. At the very least, it would have made sense. But I hadn’t loved him in years, and I wasn’t convinced I ever really had.
I just hadn’t known better.