“I like it,” I said with a smile. “But I’m not sure everyone does.
He paused. “You mean Simone?”
I nodded, bit my lip. “I spoke to her last week, and she was very off towards me. When I asked her what was going on, she wouldn’t tell me at first. I pushed her and she told me that she knew about us.”
Will told me about the conversation he’d had with his sister and their mother’s house.
I sat down on the bed.
“I wouldn’t worry about it,” Will said.
“But I do.” Simone was my best friend, and I didn’t know what to make of it.
“I have the feeling she thinks I’m not good enough for you,” I said. “And I mean, she’s right, I know that.”
“That’s not true.”
Will came over and sat next to me on the bed.
“Look at me,” he said. Reluctantly, I turned to face him.
“I don’t want you saying stuff like that. It’s not true. Ok?”
I nodded but I was still feeling upset.
“Look, she did say that she saw you with lots of guys over the past two years,” Will said.
I was really taken aback at that. “So, what? I’m a slut?!
“No, no, it’s just… as you know Simone doesn’t really go out.”
“I’ve had three boyfriends in two years, is that too much? They weren’t big romances or anything, just guys I was hanging out with, doing stuff with!” I jumped up and walked across the room, really upset now.
“She always made me feel kind of shitty about it, but I didn’t think that was what she thought!”
Will was trying to say something but I didn’t want to hear him defend his sister.
“I don’t like to be alone, ok?!”
Saying it out loud, I realized it was true. I’d grown up in a loud, noisy family where someone was always looking for a clean towel or bringing friends over to watch a game. There was always talking and laughing and jokes going around. Plenty of teasing and horsing around. That was what having two older brothers was like. When Sean went off to college and Kevin joined the army, the house became very quiet, and it was as if my parents and I struggled to keep our spirits up. My brothers had a boisterous, lively energy that had always made us roll our eyes at each other, yelling at them to keep it down. But without them, the house was sad and too quiet. My dad would turn up the television and my mother often switched the radio on, and I remember that I started hanging out more with other girls who weren’t really friends, going out and doing things to avoid having to go home.
I often picked boys to hang out with who reminded me of my brothers. Guys like Jerry Mitchell, who played football, like Kevin did, and liked rock music, just like Sean. Going out with him and his friends, even if it was to watch them getting drunk and being silly, was better than watching my father drain one beer after another in a heavy silence.
“It’s not like I slept with every one of them, you know.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to upset you.”
“I can’t believe Simone doesn’t want us to be together.”
It bothered me that she had spoken to him about me. My feelings were hurt, but it was more than that. I didn’t want to go against her wishes. Despite everything, I respected Simone. I knew how hard she worked, howdetermined she was to be a successful chef. She had focused on her career in a way that I admired. I knew I was flightier than her, less ambitious.
I put on the rest of my clothes.
“Maybe we should cool it for a bit,” I said.
“What does that mean?” Will asked. He came up to me, made me look at him. “Is that what you want?”
I refused to meet his eyes.