Crap.
Though it was the last thing I wanted to do, I got to my feet and went over to sit on the opposite side of the sofa. If we were going to do this, we might as well be able to hear each other. After all, we couldn’t tear each other apart if we kept having to say ‘what?’ all the time.
I didn’t look at him when I spoke again. “I didn’t consciously recognize you, but subconsciously I did. Every time I saw your face, I got pissed off.”
“Gee, thanks.” His voice was full of sarcasm, but it wasn’t like he hadn’t said far worse things to me.
“I’m serious. When I looked at you, I got this sense of resentment. And a sense of unfairness. I got angry every time I looked at you, and I didn’t question it. I just went with it.”
He tilted his head back as he drank from the canteen. “What’d I ever do to you?” he said. A moment later, he augmented this question. “Back then, I mean. We barely even spoke.”
“I know. But my dad was always out in the garage working on that car with you. And after he died, I began to resent all the time he spent with you. Maybe if he’d known those were his last few years, he would’ve spent more time with you.”
Gideon was silent for a moment. “He loved you.”
“I know. But he spent long hours working, and then he’d come home, have dinner, and then hang out with you instead of me.”
“He was spending time with the car. I was just along for the ride so to speak.”
“Don’t do that. You know he thought highly of you.” I stopped to gather my thoughts. “I know he didn’t know how little time he had left. None of us do. But after he died, I grew resentful.”
Gideon didn’t say anything, but I saw it in his eyes. He understood, at least that much of it.
“I even grew resentful of the Torino. I was glad when mom said we had to sell it.” I shook my head. “Before he died, I loved that car, too. I braided a little key chain, and he used it for the keys to it. But he rarely told me anything about what he was doing to fix it up. I guess he thought it was a guy thing.”
“No, he didn’t.” Gideon’s quiet response was unexpected. “It was more of an age thing. He thought you were too young, not that you were the wrong gender.”
Part of me wanted to believe that… but another part of me didn’t want to dare to hope—and then have those hopes dashed. “Now who’s rewriting history?”
He shrugged. “It’s still just you.” Then he let out a long breath. “But I guess I can kind of see how it happened. The sight of me filled you with resentment, so you decided to lash out first and ask questions never.”
“Something like that.”
“It still sucked, what you did. The inn’s already struggling, and Cole won’t let me invest any real money in it. Those videos were the only things we had going for us back then.”
Now he was definitely the one rewriting history. “My attack put you guys on the radar. Your viewership increased after that.”
Gideon gave a bitter laugh. “Which was incidental, and not at all what you wanted to happen. You wanted to tear us a new one. Me especially, and the other two by association.”
“Yeah. But don’t act all innocent. That trick at the fake Pleasure Institute humiliated me in front of thousands of people.”
He met my eyes briefly. “It wasn’t finest moment. I’m sorry.”
“Sure, you’re sorry forthat,” I spat out as my anger grew. “But you’re not sorry for saying my father would be completely disappointed in me?”
He just stared at me, not taking it back.
“It was like losing him all over again when you said that. To say I’m a disappointment to him. To disparage my entire lifestyle. To slut shame me. To—”
Gideon sat up straighter. “Wait, what?”
“Trust me, I was there. I remember all your accusations quite well.”
He looked honestly puzzled. “I never slut shamed you. I wouldn’t do that.”
His face had never looked more punchable. “I heard you. You said my father would be disappointed by everything I do. Sure, most dads probably wouldn’t be really happy to have their daughters review sex toys online, but it’s my life. I chose it, and I’m not ashamed of it.”
Gideon’s forehead was full of creases as he stared at me. “I didn’t say that or mean it. I wasn’t think of the sex toys you review at all. As far as I’m concerned, that’s no one’s business but your own.”